How A Marriage Ends

[robdaley]

Mid-argument,
she presents the paper
as if it were a sword --
"Sign".

Which I do.

I pour hot sake
into my cup and watch
the steam.
She shuts the shoji, opens
the bedside drawer

where I placed
her Japanese moccasin.

[matsunosuperfan]

Mid-argument,
she presents the paper
as if it were a sword --
"Sign".

Which I do.

I pour hot sake
into my cup and watch
the steam.
She shuts the shoji, opens
the bedside drawer

where I placed
her Japanese moccasin.

I almost can get down with the voice, which feels like a thin door trying to hold back a tidal wave. Maybe we need just a bit more tension seeping through the cracks. The deflated resigned thing is good but the risk is making the surface simply feel flat. That kind of happens here. It's hard not to shrug.

---

Part of the issue I think is that "which I do." Feels so final, like such a closing off. It's hard to continue after that.

But the speaker does, and they're like "I pour some booze" and I'm like great who cares?? Y'know?

[robdaley]

Mid-argument,
she presents the paper
as if it were a sword --
"Sign".

Which I do.

I pour hot sake
into my cup and watch
the steam.
She shuts the shoji, opens
the bedside drawer

where I placed
her Japanese moccasin.

I almost can get down with the voice, which feels like a thin door trying to hold back a tidal wave. Maybe we need just a bit more tension seeping through the cracks. The deflated resigned thing is good but the risk is making the surface simply feel flat. That kind of happens here. It's hard not to shrug.

---

Part of the issue I think is that "which I do." Feels so final, like such a closing off. It's hard to continue after that.

But the speaker does, and they're like "I pour some booze" and I'm like great who cares?? Y'know?

Thank you Matsuno for your comments. A Japanese moccasin is a lethal snake, which may make the ending a bit more impactful, although I did wonder whether it would?? Thanks again. Rob

[matsunosuperfan]

Mid-argument,
she presents the paper
as if it were a sword --
"Sign".

Which I do.

I pour hot sake
into my cup and watch
the steam.
She shuts the shoji, opens
the bedside drawer

where I placed
her Japanese moccasin.

I almost can get down with the voice, which feels like a thin door trying to hold back a tidal wave. Maybe we need just a bit more tension seeping through the cracks. The deflated resigned thing is good but the risk is making the surface simply feel flat. That kind of happens here. It's hard not to shrug.

---

Part of the issue I think is that "which I do." Feels so final, like such a closing off. It's hard to continue after that.

But the speaker does, and they're like "I pour some booze" and I'm like great who cares?? Y'know?

Thank you Matsuno for your comments. A Japanese moccasin is a lethal snake, which may make the ending a bit more impactful, although I did wonder whether it would?? Thanks again. Rob

ah that is clever I missed that completely, changes everything

I do wonder if this will woosh many other readers

[wasellajam]

Hi, Rob, while I like the imagery this one sticks in a few places. Some notes:

Mid-argument,
she presents the paper
as if it were a sword --
"Sign".

Which I do.
I'm not a fan of mid-argument. The papers are drawn and both parties are willing to sign, why continue to argue? Though maybe some couples do.

I pour hot sake
into my cup and watch
the steam.
She shuts the shoji, opens
the bedside drawer
This puts me in their space.

where I placed
her Japanese moccasin.
So I was lost as to the meaning of this until I read your comment. So you could use Mamushi but then you lose the double meaning of moccasin, maybe if you capitalize Moccasin I might have wondered and looked it up, too late to know now.
But on to the meaning. So this is a murder, not an agreement. I'm confused with I/Her, the Narrator (let’s say He) places her own snake in the drawer, she usually keeps it elsewhere and hasn't noticed it missing? And if it's hers it may not be a danger to her, foiled again. It's really too much to ask of me to come up with something else of hers that can kill her, above my pay grade.

So as you can see, after multiple reads I'm still confused. Maybe it will come together for someone else.

[busker]

Capitalising the “M” would help
The Mocassin would be a bad choice though. Not quite as deadly as a taipan or cobra, but the victim goes to the hospital.
N would end up in gaol.

Nice one.

[matsunosuperfan]

What if some compression e.g. "she presents the paper / like a sword / for me to sign"
Agree it's best to leave the argument bit unsaid

[robdaley]

Hi, Rob, while I like the imagery this one sticks in a few places. Some notes:

Mid-argument,
she presents the paper
as if it were a sword --
"Sign".

Which I do.
I'm not a fan of mid-argument. The papers are drawn and both parties are willing to sign, why continue to argue? Though maybe some couples do.

I pour hot sake
into my cup and watch
the steam.
She shuts the shoji, opens
the bedside drawer
This puts me in their space.

where I placed
her Japanese moccasin.
So I was lost as to the meaning of this until I read your comment. So you could use Mamushi but then you lose the double meaning of moccasin, maybe if you capitalize Moccasin I might have wondered and looked it up, too late to know now.
But on to the meaning. So this is a murder, not an agreement. I'm confused with I/Her, the Narrator (let’s say He) places her own snake in the drawer, she usually keeps it elsewhere and hasn't noticed it missing? And if it's hers it may not be a danger to her, foiled again. It's really too much to ask of me to come up with something else of hers that can kill her, above my pay grade. 

So as you can see, after multiple reads I'm still confused. Maybe it will come together for someone else.

Hi Wasellajam, you have raised some valid queries. This is based on a true event snd the pspers were brought out (out of the blue) mid-argument. That is why I included it but maybe I have not expressed it like that? Maybe it is better to cut mid-arguemnt as Matsuno suggests. Maybe 'her snake' doesn't work for the resons you have given? I'll think about all of this.  Rob

---

I should add the snake part is obviously made up!

[wasellajam]

Hi, Rob, while I like the imagery this one sticks in a few places. Some notes:

Mid-argument,
she presents the paper
as if it were a sword --
"Sign".

Which I do.
I'm not a fan of mid-argument. The papers are drawn and both parties are willing to sign, why continue to argue? Though maybe some couples do.

I pour hot sake
into my cup and watch
the steam.
She shuts the shoji, opens
the bedside drawer
This puts me in their space.

where I placed
her Japanese moccasin.
So I was lost as to the meaning of this until I read your comment. So you could use Mamushi but then you lose the double meaning of moccasin, maybe if you capitalize Moccasin I might have wondered and looked it up, too late to know now.
But on to the meaning. So this is a murder, not an agreement. I'm confused with I/Her, the Narrator (let’s say He) places her own snake in the drawer, she usually keeps it elsewhere and hasn't noticed it missing? And if it's hers it may not be a danger to her, foiled again. It's really too much to ask of me to come up with something else of hers that can kill her, above my pay grade. 

So as you can see, after multiple reads I'm still confused. Maybe it will come together for someone else.

Hi Wasellajam, you have raised some valid queries. This is based on a true event snd the pspers were brought out (out of the blue) mid-argument. That is why I included it but maybe I have not expressed it like that? Maybe it is better to cut mid-arguemnt as Matsuno suggests. Maybe 'her snake' doesn't work for the resons you have given? I'll think about all of this.  Rob

---

I should add the snake part is obviously made up!

Ha, Narrators can do what they like.
Please don't be too quick to cut mid-argument. That comment may have just been my own POV. Maybe somehow you can clarify that it was a surprise, keeping the sharp
"she presents the paper
as if it were a sword --"
but maybe adding something, (hidden, concealed, not those but something). Or change "presents", it has the coldness but not the thrust.

[matsunosuperfan]

Maybe to specify would bring the argument to life 

"I was making a fantastic point
about prong collars 
when she shoved the papers 
underneath my nose"

type shi

[robdaley]

Maybe to specify would bring the argument to life 

"I was making a fantastic point
about prong collars 
when she shoved the papers 
underneath my nose"

type shi

Thank you Matsuno for a great suggestion and to everyone for taking the time to comment. I am on the way to making this poem work! (I think)