Siren's Love Song (With Apologies to Darren Korb)

[Mostly Holy]

"Siren's Love Song (With Apologies to Darren Korb)"

Come brave sailor, drunk on ardour,
Hear my song of salt and sin.
Steer your heart into my harbour,
Where the deep will draw you in.

Come dear sailor, brave and burning,
Passions rise, wit sinks in mud.
Don’t look back now, tide’s still turning,
I smell iron, I smell blood!

Down, down,
Come dance with me and play my game.
Drown, drown,
I promise you'll forget your name.

Crash your ship against my laughter,
I’ll applaud your fine demise!
Smashed by waves as timbers splinter,
I’ll watch the light leave drowning eyes.

Down, down,
Your course is locked, no turning free.
Drown, drown,
Don’t you know you belong to me?

Heroes taste all hot and thirsty,
Fools of fear and sweet despair.
You thought my lips were made for mercy,
Now your rot adorns my lair.

Down, down,
Your tender flesh my sweet delight.
Drown, drown,
Till I find one who bites just right!

I'll wear your teeth as strings of pearls,
The water shivers while I preen.
Your name I'll scratch on coral walls,
I was the fairest you had seen.

Down, down,
Rest with fishes beneath the brine.
Drown, drown,
I was not yours, but you were mine.
Down! Down!
King of wrecks, wear your coral crown!
Drown! Drown!
The sea is queen and she'll take her own!

[Deor Ana Log]

"Siren's Love Song (With Apologies to Darren Korb)"

Come brave sailor, drunk on ardour, the lack of line break here creates much intrigue
Hear my song of salt and sin. In this context, I usually refrain from punctuation. It is nice to see someone doing something different.
Steer your heart into my harbour, here begins the rhyme scheme, which does become repetitive. It works well here though
Where the deep will draw you in. it is nice how the last line zooms out

Come dear sailor, brave and burning, alliteration pops off of the page here
Passions rise, wit sinks in mud. adding 'in mud' enhances the contrast without being overbearing
Don’t look back now, tide’s still turning, I really appreciate how the audience is directly addressed here 
I smell iron, I smell blood! wow. iron is in blood. wow.

Down, down, this course seems like song lyrics, I wonder why?
Come dance with me and play my game. simplifying the sentiment was needed, and this line delivered  
Drown, drown, adding an 'r' is genius and just sounds amazing to read
I promise you'll forget your name. is it because of the game that the forgetting happens?

Crash your ship against my laughter, a real thing moving something you can't touch, so effective
I’ll applaud your fine demise! 'fine demise' is too rhyme-y for this otherwise consise stanza
Smashed by waves as timbers splinter, the internal slant rhyme works much better here
I’ll watch the light leave drowning eyes. slant lines on slant lines and each one hits in this stanza

Down, down, my first time reading, I did not expect this stanza to come back
Your course is locked, no turning free. what does 'course' mean in this context?
Drown, drown, experiment by switching out 'drown' with other close-to-down words
Don’t you know you belong to me? 'me' and 'free' is one of the most cliche rhymes, try something else here

Heroes taste all hot and thirsty, Name a specific hero here
Fools of fear and sweet despair. again with the contrast - chefs kiss
You thought my lips were made for mercy, classic modern poetry line right here
Now your rot adorns my lair. is this a metaphor or reality?

Down, down, try repeating 'down' a third time keep the audience on their toes
Your tender flesh my sweet delight. add a commo after 'flesh'
Drown, drown, I think drown should have been brought back here
Till I find one who bites just right! switch out one word in this line with a synonym

I'll wear your teeth as strings of pearls, clean cut imagery in the best way
The water shivers while I preen. using a lesser known word here is great because you have pulled the audience in enough to experiment
Your name I'll scratch on coral walls, fully submerged in the ocean, what a twist!
I was the fairest you had seen. at last, the payoff of truth in the last line, and so worth it

Down, down, remove this, going straight into 'drown' or reverse them
Rest with fishes beneath the brine. reminds me of a line from the song "Father Figure".
Drown, drown, personalize this line in some way; name or 'me'
I was not yours, but you were mine. back to basics, but that is what this stanza needed
Down! Down! whittling down to just one 'down' here signals finality
King of wrecks, wear your coral crown! King fits really well with the queen that comes shortly after
Drown! Drown! Devolving into chants creates the atmosphere of a fade out
The sea is queen and she'll take her own! personification as the concluding line is a bold move that pays off

Straight up, this is the best poem I have read that was exlusively posted on pigpenpoetry. It is masterpiece (and possibly a song) in it's current state. Clearly above a 9 out of 10. Places to work on are, the title, which is quite long and uninviting, as well as the repetitiveness of some of the later lines. I will be rereading this many times and might even use it as a classic for one my own pieces. 

Directions to go are many and many from this point. I would love to hear these words in a song's melody. And even condensed into a single stanza. To the author: thank you so much for posting. I should have read it sooner - Deor Ana Log

[busker]

It’s a nice poem and I’m sorry the author didn’t get a single crit when it was posted. It’s possible that most of the members were taking a break at that time.

“ I'll wear your teeth as strings of pearls” is lovely. Less dangerous maiden and more an Ice Age 4 monster

The rhymes in the “Drown Drown refrain” are the weak point. Especially a line like “you belong to me”. This portion does read a bit like doggerel, though not terribly so. The idea of the refrain is good, but the execution is not at the same standard as the main body of the poem.

[Luckieman]

I've only just found this, and I'm mightily impressed. It creates a crystal clear image of the sea lady to me, and is very well crafted (importantly, a close correlation of structure to meaning which is quite rare these days). My only question is - why the italics? I don't think they contribute anything to what is already a very strong message - so strong I wasn't distracted by orthographic details such as placement of punctuation. But in a way, the italics over-emphasise - causing a slight dislocation of the flow.

I await more from this poet with interest.