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A Perfect Heron
Our bodies carved an X into the earth
where we had sat for hours watching
stupid birds dip their blue heads into the fog
collapsed around the lake, like they
couldn’t find another fish, or figure out
whose turn it was to brush the water’s hair.
Sometimes, when it’s late and no one’s there
to hear the silly things I say out loud
instead of doing myself harm, I pray.
There was a short man with a long gun
on that purple evening we took Aspen down
to run wild over all the sudden flowers.
You said it looked like someone
dragged a bag of seeds behind them
overnight, and in the morning,
every ant had its own sun. Sometimes,
I like the things you say so much
I have to kiss you.
It was a perfect heron
and he killed it with one shot.
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Joined: Jan 2026
Hoping to quell your impatience and my tendency to not post here are some first impressions.
This sparks my interest, some lines I love, I don't think it's perfect yet.
(09-10-2026, 02:21 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: A Perfect Heron
Our bodies carved an X into the earth
where we had sat for hours watching
stupid birds dip their blue heads into the fog
The X works for me, it has me seeing two sitting crosslegged, together but separate. Stupid does a lot of work disabling the peace I might get from the following lines.
collapsed around the lake, like they
couldn’t find another fish, or figure out
whose turn it was to brush the water’s hair.
I love "the fog collapsed around the lake", very real and ethereal. I like "brush the water’s hair", awkward enough to make me think but the movement works.
Sometimes, when it’s late and no one’s there
to hear the silly things I say out loud
instead of doing myself harm, I pray.
Not sure these lines are needed but if they are I'd prefer a replacement for "doing myself harm". It provides the break needed for the change of scene (same location, different incident), but it's a description of a state of mind instead of an expression.
There was a short man with a long gun I like long/short.
on that purple evening we took Aspen down
to run wild over all the sudden flowers. Yes to sudden flowers.
You said it looked like someone
dragged a bag of seeds behind them
overnight, and in the morning,
You might lose these commas.
every ant had its own sun. Sometimes,
I like the things you say so much
I have to kiss you.
Beautiful and effective 6 lines.
It was a perfect heron
and he killed it with one shot.
Ugh but it's growing on me. At first it took me back to the opening morning but waiting to hunt, took me a bit to apply it to the short man. But in the end, all that loveliness blown up, so job done.
Hope this helps, made me start a poem, thanks for begging. 
Posts: 231
Threads: 59
Joined: May 2026
(09-10-2026, 08:55 PM)wasellajam Wrote: Hoping to quell your impatience and my tendency to not post here are some first impressions.
This sparks my interest, some lines I love, I don't think it's perfect yet.
(09-10-2026, 02:21 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: A Perfect Heron
Our bodies carved an X into the earth
where we had sat for hours watching
stupid birds dip their blue heads into the fog
The X works for me, it has me seeing two sitting crosslegged, together but separate. Stupid does a lot of work disabling the peace I might get from the following lines.
collapsed around the lake, like they
couldn’t find another fish, or figure out
whose turn it was to brush the water’s hair.
I love "the fog collapsed around the lake", very real and ethereal. I like "brush the water’s hair", awkward enough to make me think but the movement works.
Sometimes, when it’s late and no one’s there
to hear the silly things I say out loud
instead of doing myself harm, I pray.
Not sure these lines are needed but if they are I'd prefer a replacement for "doing myself harm". It provides the break needed for the change of scene (same location, different incident), but it's a description of a state of mind instead of an expression.
There was a short man with a long gun I like long/short.
on that purple evening we took Aspen down
to run wild over all the sudden flowers. Yes to sudden flowers.
You said it looked like someone
dragged a bag of seeds behind them
overnight, and in the morning,
You might lose these commas.
every ant had its own sun. Sometimes,
I like the things you say so much
I have to kiss you.
Beautiful and effective 6 lines.
It was a perfect heron
and he killed it with one shot.
Ugh but it's growing on me. At first it took me back to the opening morning but waiting to hunt, took me a bit to apply it to the short man. But in the end, all that loveliness blown up, so job done.
Hope this helps, made me start a poem, thanks for begging.
Ty as ever! Much appreciated... always helpful
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(09-10-2026, 02:21 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: A Perfect Heron
Our bodies carved an X into the earth
where we had sat for hours watching you could say 'four' or 'fore' hours, for a nice double meaning
stupid birds dip their blue heads into the fog
collapsed around the lake, like they
couldn’t find another fish, or figure out
whose turn it was to brush the water’s hair. I have never seen personification of water used in this way; great job!
Sometimes, when it’s late and no one’s there
to hear the silly things I say out loud a well woven confession, but try to be more subtle
instead of doing myself harm, I pray.
There was a short man with a long gun you should introduce this man eariler, and center him through the piece if he is the subject
on that purple evening we took Aspen down who is aspen? - not a criticism I just would love to know 
to run wild over all the sudden flowers.
You said it looked like someone
dragged a bag of seeds behind them
overnight, and in the morning, try switching 'overnight' or 'morning' into dawn,dusk,twilight etc to keep things fresh
every ant had its own sun. Sometimes,
I like the things you say so much
I have to kiss you. is the kiss consensual? please be more descriptive here!
It was a perfect heron
and he killed it with one shot. it seems like a deliberate choice to not say who killed the bird here, was that your intention? Or was it the "short man with the long gun"?
I had a great time breaking down this piece, more fun than I have had in a long time. Thank you so much for pushing this (I do the same thing alot too) to my attention. I can't wait to read more from you in the future, and will check out previous pieces. -Deor Ana Log
You Spend To Much Time On Being Right
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(09-12-2026, 02:01 AM)Deor Ana Log Wrote: I had a great time breaking down this piece, more fun than I have had in a long time. Thank you so much for pushing this (I do the same thing alot too) to my attention. I can't wait to read more from you in the future, and will check out previous pieces. -Deor Ana Log
Thanks for the kind words and encouragement, Deor. I really do appreciate it. This one has sat for a long time before I finally felt ready to come back to it, so I'm glad you find it engaging. Great notes <3
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Joined: Aug 2017
Hey matsuno,
The piece has a nice slice-of-life voice, and the imagery is wonderful. It comes off as meditative. Comments below.
(09-10-2026, 02:21 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: A Perfect Heron
Our bodies carved an X into the earth carved doesn't seem like the right verb. maybe something along the lines of "imprinted" or "left"
where we had sat for hours watching
stupid birds dip their blue heads into the fog
collapsed around the lake, like they I find myself really wanting to hammer home their "stupidity" in these lines, to justify its use. something like: "...around the lake, then emerge / astonished that they couldn't find more fish..."
couldn’t find another fish, or figure out
whose turn it was to brush the water’s hair. thus far, the image is striking but it comes off too surreal in what has been a pretty grounded voice imo
Sometimes, when it’s late and no one’s there
to hear the silly things I say out loud comma, methinks
instead of doing myself harm, I pray. I'm tempted to wholeheartedly suggest omitting this entire stanza. I'm not quite sure what it is adding, especially if we're not delving into the specifics of this harm, what the harm means
There was a short man with a long gun
on that purple evening we took Aspen down i like purple evening. i can infer aspen is a pet---dog most like
to run wild over all the sudden flowers.
You said it looked like someone
dragged a bag of seeds behind them
overnight, and in the morning, elegant lines, previous stanza included
every ant had its own sun. Sometimes, hm, the way this is written makes it hard to imagine the addressee actually saying all of this in one breath
I like the things you say so much
I have to kiss you.
It was a perfect heron
and he killed it with one shot. i feel like something tactile is needed for the end. i want to feel that gunshot thunder in my chest
Thank you for sharing. Cheers!
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Threads: 59
Joined: May 2026
(09-12-2026, 06:56 AM)alonso ramoran Wrote: Hey matsuno,
The piece has a nice slice-of-life voice, and the imagery is wonderful. It comes off as meditative. Comments below.
(09-10-2026, 02:21 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: A Perfect Heron
Our bodies carved an X into the earth carved doesn't seem like the right verb. maybe something along the lines of "imprinted" or "left"
where we had sat for hours watching
stupid birds dip their blue heads into the fog
collapsed around the lake, like they I find myself really wanting to hammer home their "stupidity" in these lines, to justify its use. something like: "...around the lake, then emerge / astonished that they couldn't find more fish..."
couldn’t find another fish, or figure out
whose turn it was to brush the water’s hair. thus far, the image is striking but it comes off too surreal in what has been a pretty grounded voice imo
Sometimes, when it’s late and no one’s there
to hear the silly things I say out loud comma, methinks
instead of doing myself harm, I pray. I'm tempted to wholeheartedly suggest omitting this entire stanza. I'm not quite sure what it is adding, especially if we're not delving into the specifics of this harm, what the harm means
There was a short man with a long gun
on that purple evening we took Aspen down i like purple evening. i can infer aspen is a pet---dog most like
to run wild over all the sudden flowers.
You said it looked like someone
dragged a bag of seeds behind them
overnight, and in the morning, elegant lines, previous stanza included
every ant had its own sun. Sometimes, hm, the way this is written makes it hard to imagine the addressee actually saying all of this in one breath
I like the things you say so much
I have to kiss you.
It was a perfect heron
and he killed it with one shot. i feel like something tactile is needed for the end. i want to feel that gunshot thunder in my chest
Thank you for sharing. Cheers!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Very helpful insights.
I suppose I will respond to some individual notes/questions as they are being echoed:
-"carved" was actually originally "left an impression" but the line wants fewer beats, I think
- I do like mixing registers, I know it throws some people off. maybe here it is a distraction... or just needs to be more smoothly handled.
- no, no comma there 
-people don't like my favorite stanza, oh well, brush y'all haters off XD
I like your idea of making the gunshot tactile at the end. could do something with that. again very much appreciated for the detailed feedback.
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