Providence

[matsunosuperfan]

Providence
for E.A.G.


A man was mean to me today—my prayers
have been answered! He does not know
how sweet it tastes to be so lonely you could die
and find yourself a gutless sinner
begging to be roasted. On the spit
he left behind when he pressed up
against the space I occupied and shouted

words that rhyme with bundt
are specks of DNA soon to be linked
to evidence of child abuse, goblin frottage,
trails of tears and tax evasion, murder
at his residence—us cunts, we don’t forget a face
and none of us forgive. He knows my tits are fake,
but baby, I know where you live. 

`

[alonso ramoran]

Speaking on the tone of this piece, the indignation is palpable. The language does a lot to avoid sounding like a wet blanket on the issue it's presenting, using expletives, sharp turns of phrases, exclamations to convey sarcasm. All of these I can appreciate.

Providence
for E.A.G.


A man was mean to me today—my prayers
have been answered! He does not know
how sweet it tastes to be so lonely you could die not understanding the purpose of invoking death here. i think the line would be better off condensed to something like: "...so lonely you / could find yourself..."
and find yourself a gutless sinner
begging to be roasted. On the spit missing auxiliary verb. It sounds clever using spit after mentioning roasting, but the image my mind first reaches for of course is a barbeque spit. Which could be intentional and could be purposeful in its own way, perhaps obliquely layering on an image of men that leave behind waste, but could also be one beat distracting from the narrative the speaker is detailing.
he left behind when he pressed up
against the space I occupied and shouted

words that rhyme with bundt as in more than one sort of word that rhymes? Now I wonder what those could be. For my own poetic purposes... Seriously though I think you can try including the phrase that was shouted, then see how the poem reads.
are specks of DNA soon to be linked
to evidence of child abuse, goblin frottage, goblin frottage is hilarious and I think would be even more so when paired with tax evasion in one line. Next to child abuse makes me reconsider the piece's tone. The listing of all these things together can be handled with more delicacy I think, and not without the piece's sardonic sharpness
trails of tears and tax evasion, murder
at his residence—us cunts, we don’t forget a face
and none of us forgive. He knows my tits are fake,
but baby, I know where you live.  It's not mentioned explicitly, but I imagine the speaker and her subject ride public transportation, maybe frequently, together. Which would explain this line.

`

Thank you for sharing!

[matsunosuperfan]

Speaking on the tone of this piece, the indignation is palpable. The language does a lot to avoid sounding like a wet blanket on the issue it's presenting, using expletives, sharp turns of phrases, exclamations to convey sarcasm. All of these I can appreciate.

Providence
for E.A.G.


A man was mean to me today—my prayers
have been answered! He does not know
how sweet it tastes to be so lonely you could die not understanding the purpose of invoking death here. i think the line would be better off condensed to something like: "...so lonely you / could find yourself..."
and find yourself a gutless sinner
begging to be roasted. On the spit missing auxiliary verb. It sounds clever using spit after mentioning roasting, but the image my mind first reaches for of course is a barbeque spit. Which could be intentional and could be purposeful in its own way, perhaps obliquely layering on an image of men that leave behind waste, but could also be one beat distracting from the narrative the speaker is detailing.
he left behind when he pressed up
against the space I occupied and shouted

words that rhyme with bundt as in more than one sort of word that rhymes? Now I wonder what those could be. For my own poetic purposes... Seriously though I think you can try including the phrase that was shouted, then see how the poem reads.
are specks of DNA soon to be linked
to evidence of child abuse, goblin frottage, goblin frottage is hilarious and I think would be even more so when paired with tax evasion in one line. Next to child abuse makes me reconsider the piece's tone. The listing of all these things together can be handled with more delicacy I think, and not without the piece's sardonic sharpness
trails of tears and tax evasion, murder
at his residence—us cunts, we don’t forget a face
and none of us forgive. He knows my tits are fake,
but baby, I know where you live.  It's not mentioned explicitly, but I imagine the speaker and her subject ride public transportation, maybe frequently, together. Which would explain this line.

`

Thank you for sharing!

Thank you for reading and catching my typo! Must have lost "be" in line editing. 
My main concern at present is that this draft works TOO hard to avoid being a downer, and conveys more flippancy than gravitas. I would like to have both. Agreed the list could be handled more artfully to that end. I appreciate your thoughtful comments <3

[wasellajam]

Providence
for E.A.G.


A man was mean to me today—my prayers
have been answered! He does not know
how sweet it tastes to be so lonely you could die
and find yourself a gutless sinner
begging to be roasted. On the spit
he left behind when he pressed up
against the space I occupied and shouted

words that rhyme with bundt
are specks of DNA soon to be linked
to evidence of child abuse, goblin frottage,
trails of tears and tax evasion, murder
at his residence—us cunts, we don’t forget a face
and none of us forgive. He knows my tits are fake,
but baby, I know where you live. 

`

Hi, matsuno. The roasted/spit line is slick, frottage is new and interesting to me, goblin makes it a lovely insult. I like the use of "cunts" following the coy avoidance. My only stumbling block was this:
"(snip) He does not know
how sweet it tastes to be so lonely you could die
and find yourself a gutless sinner
begging to be roasted. (snip)"

It may be obviously clear to someone else but for me it took multiple reads and some deep puzzling to get to what may be the N's state of mind. I landed on self-loathing but it didn't pop right out at me. Just fyi.

Thanks for the read. Frottage as art to goblin frottage. (cottage, wattage lol)

[matsunosuperfan]

Providence
for E.A.G.


A man was mean to me today—my prayers
have been answered! He does not know
how sweet it tastes to be so lonely you could die
and find yourself a gutless sinner
begging to be roasted. On the spit
he left behind when he pressed up
against the space I occupied and shouted

words that rhyme with bundt
are specks of DNA soon to be linked
to evidence of child abuse, goblin frottage,
trails of tears and tax evasion, murder
at his residence—us cunts, we don’t forget a face
and none of us forgive. He knows my tits are fake,
but baby, I know where you live. 

`

Hi, matsuno. The roasted/spit line is slick, frottage is new and interesting to me, goblin makes it a lovely insult. I like the use of "cunts" following the coy avoidance. My only stumbling block was this:
"(snip) He does not know
how sweet it tastes to be so lonely you could die
and find yourself a gutless sinner
begging to be roasted. (snip)"

It may be obviously clear to someone else but for me it took multiple reads and some deep puzzling to get to what may be the N's state of mind. I landed on self-loathing but it didn't pop right out at me. Just fyi.

Thanks for the read. Frottage as art to goblin frottage.  (cottage, wattage lol)

Thanks for reading! I feel so privileged to get multiple feedbacks in such a short time from one wasella <3

I also kind of hate this one the more distance I get from it, oops! I think I am not very sympathetic to my woebegone speakers right now.

[wasellajam]

Providence
for E.A.G.


A man was mean to me today—my prayers
have been answered! He does not know
how sweet it tastes to be so lonely you could die
and find yourself a gutless sinner
begging to be roasted. On the spit
he left behind when he pressed up
against the space I occupied and shouted

words that rhyme with bundt
are specks of DNA soon to be linked
to evidence of child abuse, goblin frottage,
trails of tears and tax evasion, murder
at his residence—us cunts, we don’t forget a face
and none of us forgive. He knows my tits are fake,
but baby, I know where you live. 

`

Hi, matsuno. The roasted/spit line is slick, frottage is new and interesting to me, goblin makes it a lovely insult. I like the use of "cunts" following the coy avoidance. My only stumbling block was this:
"(snip) He does not know
how sweet it tastes to be so lonely you could die
and find yourself a gutless sinner
begging to be roasted. (snip)"

It may be obviously clear to someone else but for me it took multiple reads and some deep puzzling to get to what may be the N's state of mind. I landed on self-loathing but it didn't pop right out at me. Just fyi.

Thanks for the read. Frottage as art to goblin frottage.  (cottage, wattage lol)

Thanks for reading! I feel so privileged to get multiple feedbacks in such a short time from one wasella <3

I also kind of hate this one the more distance I get from it, oops! I think I am not very sympathetic to my woebegone speakers right now.

There are some interesting ideas there, you might want to try a different view of it at sometime.