Exploding from the barrel, Luffy's stretchy
rubber arms plow through Alvira's pirate
henchmen, terrifying them. But Koby,
her young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shouting, laughing,
jabbing him about not following
his own dreams, coward Koby watches Luffy
pound Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
Some brief notes:
Afaik this is IP, or at least Accentual Pentameter, for four lines, then a tetrameter every fifth, but there are so many instances of acephalous lines with feminine endings that instead of IP a stricter reader would consider this to be Trochaic instead---indeed, you might wish to go with Trochaic, if you're not going with plain Accentual, as in the translation of the Kalevala I've encountered.
L5 could be read as Accentual Pentameter if "new kid" is considered a spondee, but I prefer to read it as an iamb.
L7 has a noteworthy 'distortion' in "following", as it's more normally read as a dactyl rather than an amphibrach.
L8 is weird in the context of L4. L4, with the regular rhythm established by previous lines, naturally reads "HER young SLAVE", so one is inclined to read the start of L8 as "HIS own DREAMS", but no, the pattern is instead "his OWN dreams". You might want to change one line or the other.
L10 is an argument for plain Accentual: "inspiring him to join Marines" is far less idiomatic than "inspiring him to join the Marines".
Rhyme scheme is very roughly ABACCDDAEE, which is kinda awkward. Indeed, if you're looking to do a strict form with a rhyme scheme, might I suggest taking a look at Spenser's The Faerie Queene, which I am currently reading: ABABBCBCC, IP every line but the final alexandrine....
As for content....well, if this really is the intro, then maybe an invocation is in order? Though that formalism aside, you could definitely expand the action into a few more stanzas.
(08-01-2026, 11:38 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Some brief notes:
Afaik this is IP, or at least Accentual Pentameter, for four lines, then a tetrameter every fifth, but there are so many instances of acephalous lines with feminine endings that instead of IP a stricter reader would consider this to be Trochaic instead---indeed, you might wish to go with Trochaic, if you're not going with plain Accentual, as in the translation of the Kalevala I've encountered.
L5 could be read as Accentual Pentameter if "new kid" is considered a spondee, but I prefer to read it as an iamb.
L7 has a noteworthy 'distortion' in "following", as it's more normally read as a dactyl rather than an amphibrach.
L8 is weird in the context of L4. L4, with the regular rhythm established by previous lines, naturally reads "HER young SLAVE", so one is inclined to read the start of L8 as "HIS own DREAMS", but no, the pattern is instead "his OWN dreams". You might want to change one line or the other.
L10 is an argument for plain Accentual: "inspiring him to join Marines" is far less idiomatic than "inspiring him to join the Marines".
Rhyme scheme is very roughly ABACCDDAEE, which is kinda awkward. Indeed, if you're looking to do a strict form with a rhyme scheme, might I suggest taking a look at Spenser's The Faerie Queene, which I am currently reading: ABABBCBCC, IP every line but the final alexandrine....
As for content....well, if this really is the intro, then maybe an invocation is in order? Though that formalism aside, you could definitely expand the action into a few more stanzas.
Hear me out, its also a sea shanty, and I didnt realize my reformatting rhymed as well! Thank you for the comments it needs some editing for sure
Exploding from the barrel, Lu-
ffy's stretchy rubber arms plow through
Alvira's pirate henchmen, terr-
ifying them. But Koby, her
young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shout-
ing, laughing, jabbing him about
not following his own dreams, cow-
ard Koby watches Luffy pound
Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
(08-01-2026, 10:42 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Exploding from the barrel, Luffy's stretchy
rubber arms plow through Alvira's pirate
henchmen, terrifying them. But Koby,
her young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shouting, laughing,
jabbing him about not following
his own dreams, coward Koby watches Luffy
pound Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
I think it's pretty dope, smooth meter, good use of enjambment, syntax is provocative and lively, gang gang
(08-01-2026, 10:42 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Exploding from the barrel, Luffy's stretchy
rubber arms plow through Alvira's pirate
henchmen, terrifying them. But Koby,
her young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shouting, laughing,
jabbing him about not following
his own dreams, coward Koby watches Luffy
pound Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
If I were to express a concern it is that the lines seem measured out like lengths of wood rather than planned which gives it the feeling of a prose poem chopped at regular intervals
(08-01-2026, 10:42 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Exploding from the barrel, Luffy's stretchy
rubber arms plow through Alvira's pirate
henchmen, terrifying them. But Koby,
her young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shouting, laughing,
jabbing him about not following
his own dreams, coward Koby watches Luffy
pound Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
If I were to express a concern it is that the lines seem measured out like lengths of wood rather than planned which gives it the feeling of a prose poem chopped at regular intervals
ngl I've heard this crit a few different places on this forum now and it rarely feels like a legitimate note to me. there are tons of highly lauded contemporary poems, many of which are even good, that have this same feeling. I don't see why it should matter.
siken, for example - lines consistently broken to fit shape, no sensibility implied.
(08-01-2026, 10:42 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Exploding from the barrel, Luffy's stretchy
rubber arms plow through Alvira's pirate
henchmen, terrifying them. But Koby,
her young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shouting, laughing,
jabbing him about not following
his own dreams, coward Koby watches Luffy
pound Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
If I were to express a concern it is that the lines seem measured out like lengths of wood rather than planned which gives it the feeling of a prose poem chopped at regular intervals
ngl I've heard this crit a few different places on this forum now and it rarely feels like a legitimate note to me. there are tons of highly lauded contemporary poems, many of which are even good, that have this same feeling. I don't see why it should matter.
siken, for example - lines consistently broken to fit shape, no sensibility implied.
In this case, hes right about it seeming like prose, every 8 syllables is a rhyming couplet, so for me I appreciate his concern, I don't know if I can truly continue this as an epic but I'm gonna try a few more, I think as it goes on, the form will become more evident, it's an experiment entirely so I appreciate the conversation here. Thanks for helping, everyone!
(08-01-2026, 10:42 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Exploding from the barrel, Luffy's stretchy
rubber arms plow through Alvira's pirate
henchmen, terrifying them. But Koby,
her young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shouting, laughing,
jabbing him about not following
his own dreams, coward Koby watches Luffy
pound Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
If I were to express a concern it is that the lines seem measured out like lengths of wood rather than planned which gives it the feeling of a prose poem chopped at regular intervals
ngl I've heard this crit a few different places on this forum now and it rarely feels like a legitimate note to me. there are tons of highly lauded contemporary poems, many of which are even good, that have this same feeling. I don't see why it should matter.
siken, for example - lines consistently broken to fit shape, no sensibility implied.
There has been much written about the power and importance of the line in poetry. If it isn't something you are interested you can disregard and move on or you can check out some of the resources on this site.
(08-02-2026, 04:31 AM)milo Wrote: If I were to express a concern it is that the lines seem measured out like lengths of wood rather than planned which gives it the feeling of a prose poem chopped at regular intervals
ngl I've heard this crit a few different places on this forum now and it rarely feels like a legitimate note to me. there are tons of highly lauded contemporary poems, many of which are even good, that have this same feeling. I don't see why it should matter.
siken, for example - lines consistently broken to fit shape, no sensibility implied.
There has been much written about the power and importance of the line in poetry. If it isn't something you are interested you can disregard and move on or you can check out some of the resources on this site.
Okay. But demurring to a vague authority appeal and implying I need to educate myself doesn't make you right lol.
(08-02-2026, 08:04 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: ngl I've heard this crit a few different places on this forum now and it rarely feels like a legitimate note to me. there are tons of highly lauded contemporary poems, many of which are even good, that have this same feeling. I don't see why it should matter.
siken, for example - lines consistently broken to fit shape, no sensibility implied.
There has been much written about the power and importance of the line in poetry. If it isn't something you are interested you can disregard and move on or you can check out some of the resources on this site.
Okay. But demurring to a vague authority appeal and implying I need to educate myself doesn't make you right lol.
yah - that's fine, I dont need to be right - it is a genuine discipline in poetry. If you don't care about it , that's fine, others may
(08-02-2026, 11:58 AM)milo Wrote: There has been much written about the power and importance of the line in poetry. If it isn't something you are interested you can disregard and move on or you can check out some of the resources on this site.
Okay. But demurring to a vague authority appeal and implying I need to educate myself doesn't make you right lol.
yah - that's fine, I dont need to be right - it is a genuine discipline in poetry. If you don't care about it , that's fine, others may
Sure, and I'm neither denying that highly intentional lineation is a thing, nor saying I don't care about it. I'm just pointing out that it's not a prerequisite, and I don't agree with the implied suggestion that by default, line breaks and end words have to be high-leverage choices. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.
(08-02-2026, 12:43 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: Okay. But demurring to a vague authority appeal and implying I need to educate myself doesn't make you right lol.
yah - that's fine, I dont need to be right - it is a genuine discipline in poetry. If you don't care about it , that's fine, others may
Sure, and I'm neither denying that highly intentional lineation is a thing, nor saying I don't care about it. I'm just pointing out that it's not a prerequisite, and I don't agree with the implied suggestion that by default, line breaks and end words have to be high-leverage choices. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.
ok - maybe one of the spots it is important is an epic - if you don't find it valuable - just ignore it, it's not your thread
(08-02-2026, 01:22 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Exploding from the barrel, Lu-
ffy's stretchy rubber arms plow through
Alvira's pirate henchmen, terr-
ifying them. But Koby, her
young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shout-
ing, laughing, jabbing him about
not following his own dreams, cow-
ard Koby watches Luffy pound
Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
The meter in this older version is more consistent: I read a hiccup only in L9, by which point it doesn't really matter. Interesting how it's basically two strophes, with the first two couplets of each strophe having a word be broken mid-line---the question is if that's going to be sustainable in the long run. Also not sure if, because this is clearly broken into two strophes, it's fine for the sense to bleed through between the first and the second: it would make it harder to memorize, I think, which makes it harder to conceive either as a labor song or as an epic.
