Friday Night with Opioid

[matsunosuperfan]

Friday Night with Opioid


My German friend is lovely. She listens
when you speak, and we’ve got no end
of private jokes. They buried her last week.

My best friend from Japan has gone
ten years without forgetting to give me a ring
on my birthday. His boys have stopped bedwetting,

while I throttle love with my bare hands, cook lavish meals
for one. My doctor is an optimist: “What’s done,”
she says, “is done.”

[opal.zzz]

This is my first time critiquing a poem as thoroughly as this community requires, so bear with me if it's imperfect. Thank you.

The rhyme scheme feels natural and effortless. The meter in the first and third stanza flows nicely, but after multiple reads I still struggle to find the rhythm of the second stanza. "To give me a ring on my birthday" in particular is the part that throws me off. I feel it has too many syllables and emphasis at the wrong points. But how strictly you adhere to meter is personal preference and I don't think it detracts too much from the piece. I appreciate the structure and tone. The emotional impact comes from the straightforward nature of it.

The phrasing and word choice feel very honest to me. I read it like catching up with a friend who describes the events of their life with bluntness and a lack of self-pity. But their grief comes through the little things they say or don't say. The final line is ironic and almost humorous, as the doctor's statement doesn't carry the usual hopefulness associated with optimism. I feel that's a reflection of the piece overall - optimism through pure acceptance rather than hope for change. The reference to the death of a friend with no commentary afterward in the first stanza, the reference to the passage of time in the second stanza, and the hint at loneliness or isolation in the third, all followed by an "optimistic" statement that none of it can be undone.

"Throttle love with my bare hands" is an evocative line. My initial interpretation of it was determination - "I will take this. I will make this mine." However, throttle is a violent gesture, so it could imply a level of anger or bitterness. With that second interpretation, the final line about the doctor's optimism could be viewed as sarcasm. I suppose it depends on how sympathetically you view the speaker. I stand by my initial interpretation. I've been known to throttle love myself, so I get it.

[matsunosuperfan]

This is my first time critiquing a poem as thoroughly as this community requires, so bear with me if it's imperfect. Thank you.

The rhyme scheme feels natural and effortless. The meter in the first and third stanza flows nicely, but after multiple reads I still struggle to find the rhythm of the second stanza. "To give me a ring on my birthday" in particular is the part that throws me off. I feel it has too many syllables and emphasis at the wrong points. But how strictly you adhere to meter is personal preference and I don't think it detracts too much from the piece. I appreciate the structure and tone. The emotional impact comes from the straightforward nature of it.

The phrasing and word choice feel very honest to me. I read it like catching up with a friend who describes the events of their life with bluntness and a lack of self-pity. But their grief comes through the little things they say or don't say. The final line is ironic and almost humorous, as the doctor's statement doesn't carry the usual hopefulness associated with optimism. I feel that's a reflection of the piece overall - optimism through pure acceptance rather than hope for change. The reference to the death of a friend with no commentary afterward in the first stanza, the reference to the passage of time in the second stanza, and the hint at loneliness or isolation in the third, all followed by an "optimistic" statement that none of it can be undone.

"Throttle love with my bare hands" is an evocative line. My initial interpretation of it was determination - "I will take this. I will make this mine." However, throttle is a violent gesture, so it could imply a level of anger or bitterness. With that second interpretation, the final line about the doctor's optimism could be viewed as sarcasm. I suppose it depends on how sympathetically you view the speaker. I stand by my initial interpretation. I've been known to throttle love myself, so I get it.

If I could pay to get critique like this all the time, I'd be broke (so, I suppose, no change). Thanks very much for this detailed and thoughtful reading! I'm encouraged that the poem is giving a lot of what I want it to give. Much appreciated.

[brynmawr1]

Friday Night with Opioid


My German friend is lovely. She listens
when you speak, and we’ve got no end
of private jokes. They buried her last week.

My best friend from Japan has gone
ten years without forgetting to give me a ring
on my birthday. His boys have stopped bedwetting,

while I throttle love with my bare hands, cook lavish meals
for one. My doctor is an optimist: “What’s done,”
she says, “is done.”

Hey,
I have no issue with the presentation as the poem in general is well executed each stanza taken alone, but is less effective taken as a coherent piece.  My interpretation, accepting the title literally, is a series of vignettes related to opioid addiction, from the terminal to functional with caveats.  My favorite lines are S3 L1-2, but not sure how they tie in other than N also is an opioid addict, which is plausible, but not clear.  The ending seems insincere despite the disclaimer.  Physicians are not dismissive of our failings, in my experience, however effective the ending might be.

There is a lot of nuance here that I would love to bring to my own work.  However, the writing is just obscure enough to make it feel contrived rather than heart felt real experience.
Just my obervations,
Bryn

[milo]

Friday Night with Opioid


My German friend is lovely. She listens
when you speak, and we’ve got no end
of private jokes. They buried her last week.

My best friend from Japan has gone
ten years without forgetting to give me a ring
on my birthday. His boys have stopped bedwetting,

while I throttle love with my bare hands, cook lavish meals
for one. My doctor is an optimist: “What’s done,”
she says, “is done.”

The meter kind of falls apart in S2 (S1 could be fixed just by trimming "got")  The forced promotion on "WET" is particularyl painful.
There is a tense problem with S1 (she doesn't listen at all if she was buried last week ) unless you are trying your hand at Nolan's signature time loops.
If you wanted to continue your movement of the end rhyme to the middle for the last S you could easily enough just shift the break to "cook" which would be a little nicer anyway.

I, as a reader, am not sure what I am to get from the German/Japan/Nothing trend so I suspect it is a red herring.

Overall - I am not sure, it is a pleasant enough reading but all empty calories - like a donut - that ends on a cliche

Thanks for posting