data

[thewilderhen]

I have a bad habit of editing while the paint is still wet:

I have married
a whole neighborhood
in subsidy. A good wife
has been married
like that before, whole
blocks given over
to the veil.

If I go the city blocks,
their moods cause me
such grief

they do not
drink of the marriage
glass they do not
eat my gift

I painted after
them a still-life
of pheasants / unworked
on the table
a gift to witness it
wooden like trees before
they came to me in marriage.
———————————
Original, old version:


I have married
a whole neighborhood
in subsidy. A good wife
has been married
like that before, whole
blocks given over
to the veil.

If I go the city blocks,
their moods cause me
such grief 

they do
not drink of the marriage
glass they do not
eat my gift

I painted after
them a still-life
pheasants / unworked
on the table
to witness it
wooden like trees before
we built our house.

[matsunosuperfan]

I have a bad habit of editing while the paint is still wet:

I have married
a whole neighborhood
in subsidy. A good wife
has been married
like that before, whole
blocks given over
to the veil.

If I go the city blocks,
their moods cause me
such grief

they do not
drink of the marriage
glass they do not
eat my gift

I painted after
them a still-life
of pheasants / unworked
on the table
a gift to witness it
wooden like trees before
they came to me in marriage.
———————————
Original, old version:


I have married
a whole neighborhood
in subsidy. A good wife
has been married
like that before, whole
blocks given over
to the veil.

If I go the city blocks,
their moods cause me
such grief 

they do
not drink of the marriage
glass they do not
eat my gift

I painted after
them a still-life
pheasants / unworked
on the table
to witness it
wooden like trees before
we built our house.

solid edits. I dig the vibe of this. often I struggle with such a short line and this one is no exception but it's doing a lot to win me over <3

[busker]

I have a bad habit of editing while the paint is still wet:

I have married
a whole neighborhood
in subsidy. A good wife
has been married
like that before, whole
blocks given over
to the veil.

If I go the city blocks,
their moods cause me
such grief

they do not
drink of the marriage
glass they do not
eat my gift

I painted after
them a still-life
of pheasants / unworked
on the table
a gift to witness it
wooden like trees before
they came to me in marriage.
———————————
Original, old version:


I have married
a whole neighborhood
in subsidy. A good wife
has been married
like that before, whole
blocks given over
to the veil.

If I go the city blocks,
their moods cause me
such grief 

they do
not drink of the marriage
glass they do not
eat my gift

I painted after
them a still-life
pheasants / unworked
on the table
to witness it
wooden like trees before
we built our house.

I get the impression that this is being written by a data centre personified 
But it can also be read in a variety of different ways, and that’s too ambiguous for my liking. I am left scratching my head about what the poem was really about. It’s one thing to be readable at different levels, but too much of that and it feels an inchoate thought.

[mark1tc]

Hello the wilderhen - Data. Well done, IMO. I have puzzled over this in meaning - how and why does this simple and beautiful language tickle my brain even though I can't grasp intent? Most of all I struggled to parse the first strophe for some direction - and now that I've read busker's reply it seems to me to fall into a very good place. Aha! a topic that raises strong feelings in my neighborhood. Now the grooves in my brain find misunderstanding from the perspective of privilege and entitlement, a cluelessness compounded by extravagance. Is this true? I feel it strongly - and admire your accomplishment. I enjoy the short lines in most cases, particularly the dynamic line break in "a good wife/in subsidy" but wonder if the first four lines in the final strophe could be lengthened/arranged  in a way that might improve flow and thought. Or not. Thanks for sharing this delight.

I have a bad habit of editing while the paint is still wet:

I have married
a whole neighborhood
in subsidy. A good wife
has been married
like that before, whole
blocks given over
to the veil.

If I go the city blocks,
their moods cause me
such grief

they do not
drink of the marriage
glass they do not
eat my gift

I painted after
them a still-life
of pheasants / unworked
on the table
a gift to witness it
wooden like trees before
they came to me in marriage.
———————————
Original, old version:


I have married
a whole neighborhood
in subsidy. A good wife
has been married
like that before, whole
blocks given over
to the veil.

If I go the city blocks,
their moods cause me
such grief 

they do
not drink of the marriage
glass they do not
eat my gift

I painted after
them a still-life
pheasants / unworked
on the table
to witness it
wooden like trees before
we built our house.

[thewilderhen]

Hello the wilderhen - Data. Well done, IMO. I have puzzled over this in meaning - how and why does this simple and beautiful language tickle my brain even though I can't grasp intent? Most of all I struggled to parse the first strophe for some direction - and now that I've read busker's reply it seems to me to fall into a very good place. Aha! a topic that raises strong feelings in my neighborhood. Now the grooves in my brain find misunderstanding from the perspective of privilege and entitlement, a cluelessness compounded by extravagance. Is this true? I feel it strongly - and admire your accomplishment. I enjoy the short lines in most cases, particularly the dynamic line break in "a good wife/in subsidy" but wonder if the first four lines in the final strophe could be lengthened/arranged  in a way that might improve flow and thought. Or not. Thanks for sharing this delight.

Yes, data centers. busker is correct in many things! It is the result of me reading The Waste Land, the burning of paper instead of children, and having a three-hour work meeting like a blue-screen sepulchre. As busker points out, like the work meeting: it needs to be longer, briefer, or not at all. I will come back to this once I know more.

---

I get the impression that this is being written by a data centre personified 
But it can also be read in a variety of different ways, and that’s too ambiguous for my liking. I am left scratching my head about what the poem was really about. It’s one thing to be readable at different levels, but too much of that and it feels an inchoate thought.

Yes, I have too many things packed in. Forced marriage, city blocks that block, dryads, and the promise of no more human toil, no work, the death of community. Too much of it is word-fed, not propelled by ideas. 
I am not a sci fi writer, but so much science is fiction these days (you can approach that statement from a few angles and I mean at least two of them). But there is another theme not in this poem. Trees, wood, human use of networking. I’ve been reading about hyperrealism and it’s been sinking my brain. Inchoate is good, it describes where I am.

---

I have a bad habit of editing while the paint is still wet:

solid edits. I dig the vibe of this. often I struggle with such a short line and this one is no exception but it's doing a lot to win me over <3

You are kind, it needs spackle.

[matsunosuperfan]

> Yes, I have too many things packed in. Forced marriage, city blocks that block, dryads, and the promise of no more human toil, no work, the death of community. Too much of it is word-fed, not propelled by ideas. 
I am not a sci fi writer, but so much science is fiction these days (you can approach that statement from a few angles and I mean at least two of them). But there is another theme not in this poem. Trees, wood, human use of networking. I’ve been reading about hyperrealism and it’s been sinking my brain. Inchoate is good, it describes where I am.

---

This last comment of yours makes me think the poem could go cool places if we begin with trees and make some kind of tree-involvement or tree-adjacency or tree-musing the launching point for the occasion 

could provide a good substantive anchor