A sonnet

[JohnS]

A song of love unsung,
a melody of tears,
a symphony of longing
a tune that no-one hears.
 
A tale of love untold
waits sadly for an end,
the narrative not written,
still waiting for the pen.
 
A verse of love unrhymed,
no metaphor in place,
some lines that have no meaning
will now all be erased
 
I saw you with your chosen one,
all hope for me is gone.

[Magpie]

A song of love unsung,
a melody of tears,
a symphony of longing
a tune that no-one hears.
 
A tale of love untold
waits sadly for an end,
the narrative not written,
still waiting for the pen.
 
A verse of love unrhymed,
no metaphor in place,
some lines that have no meaning
will now all be erased
 
I saw you with your chosen one,
all hope for me is gone.

Hi John S, I like this, it's is a nice sonnet in spirit if not technically correct in every aspect. A few points for consideration would be to be careful of too much repetition without necessity. For me I'm not sure the repetition of 'love' in each stanza is working, could you possibly have different word choice each time. 

Also the volta/turn seems a bit uneventful and somewhat expected considering all that had gone before, "I saw you kiss your chosen one" would have more of an immediate impact but doesn't necessarily solve the 'somewhat expected' issue. 
It could be said that, "all hope for me is gone" is a bit cliché, what do you reckon?

Cheers for sharing

[dukealien]

A song of love unsung,
a melody of tears,
a symphony of longing
a tune that no-one hears.
 
A tale of love untold
waits sadly for an end,
the narrative not written,
still waiting for the pen.
 
A verse of love unrhymed,
no metaphor in place,
some lines that have no meaning
will now all be erased
 
I saw you with your chosen one,
all hope for me is gone.

This is nicely apophatic (a word I learned from Milo only recently) - it describes by negation.  This would have been difficult in the final couplet, but what you did there has much that effect, too.

It's also an intriguingly minimalist sonnet - iambic trimeter rather than the usual pentameter or even tetrameter (aside from line 13).  The rhyme scheme is also spare, ABCB rather than ABAB, and the final couplet is an eye-rhyme.

None of that is bad or wrong:  the effect (to me) is the tragic minstrel or jilted lover choking or sobbing over his loss.  He overdramatizes, perhaps, but he's definitely feeling it and going on (rather) about it in at least temporary sincerity.

So, the technical notes up to here are not important.  There are, however, a few things that could stand thought and improvement.  First, it's very static - in particular, while stanzas 2 and 3 are complete sentences (though passive), the first stanza is  entirely sentence fragments - not even "is" for a verb.  There's certainly room for one in four lines with only one B rhyme to be found:  make it active, a grabber to get the reader's attention.

The B near-rhyme in stanza 3 is not bad, but could be closer.  The final couplet, though, could stand work.  Yes, line 13 is drawn out like a final sigh before giving up at the end, and it works for that, but between this and the eye-rhyme it's a good final idea but lacks punch otherwise.

Which leads to the final criticism of that last couplet (and, perhaps, the third stanza, too):  ideally, a sonnet should have a turn - a new idea introduced unexpectedly which redirects the course of the piece.  It could be that bringing "you" into it at the last is such a turn, but perhaps the idea of a person rather than the continuing catalog of concepts could be introduced earlier.

In basic critique, don't take any of the above too much to heart.  It's a good poem, and the cut-down sonnet form is suitable for its theme and project.

[JohnS]

Thank you, Magpie and Duke,
Terrific critiques from you both, as usual.
I learn more with every poem I post.

[qed123]

Hi there. I like your poem. Just kinda short and to the point. There isn't much to talk about with feelings like this. It's more a say what you need to say and hope noone takes it the wrong way or uses your being a little vulnerable to set up boobie taps or whatever however. What can you do? Just accept what you saw with your own eyes and begin the process of realizing and being aware that for you, all hope is gone. The way out is through. Just trying to stay busy, walk all over town listening to music in your earbuds, write poetry, lie down in the grass and watch the insects above you. There will be a day, a blessed day, whenyou realize you can think of them, or better don't think of them at all, all day, and whatever, it didn't punch you in the gut. That day is coming And theres gonna be a daywhen you think of them and you won't feel anything at all!!! Um, watched a youtube video about.... can't remember. But I typed in "unspecified grief" into google and got this. I think the video was about "ambiguous grief." Like it's all kinda just something I prefer to not ber dealing with, but somethings you gotta!!

"Unspecified grief" often refers to a profound feeling of loss that isn't tied to a specific death. It frequently describes mourning an intangible change, such as a career shift, a life upheaval, a chronic illness, or a lost dream. Your feelings are real, valid, and deserving of compassion.

Common manifestations of this type of grief include:
Ambiguous Loss: Feeling a deep sense of longing or emptiness without closure or a distinct event to point to.
Compounded Grief: Experiencing the heavy build-up of multiple, unaddressed life changes or losses over time.
Unresolved Grief: Stalling emotionally because the feelings of pain or numbness haven't been fully processed

.Coping Strategies
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts helps untangle complex emotions and gives shape to intangible feelings.
Allowing Yourself to Feel: Accept that you do not need to "fix" the feeling immediately. Let yourself experience the sadness or emptiness without judgment.
Radical Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend going through an ambiguous or confusing transition.

Local & Professional Support
If this feeling is causing distress or significantly impacting your daily life, seeking professional guidance can be incredibly beneficial. You can find licensed therapists who specialize in life transitions and unstructured grief"