Bodies at Daybreak

[Stan]

Bodies at Daybreak 

The moon, daylit, 
Drawn down, as dyeing goose down, bleeds, 
Sheet-thin, crumbling, 
Cool flax of light, 
Blotted blue by a deluge through a dawn-flooded artery.
 

My chest, in plum, plumes,  rushed, 
Ruffed as the rock dove's breast, 
       In the wind, 
The odd cuticle of sleet, 
      And unsprung March draughts ruffle, 
The ventricles of my feet. 


The toad, breathless skin, 
Shed, nape-led, heaved, 
     Copper back, 
Coin belly-dwelling,
Voice wrung, 
Nightlong, wheezed.


And, 
The mammal combs, 
Brooding, 
Behind sickle-slitted glaze, 
      Votive bones, 
Through broken roots, 
And dewy marks my ankles make.

[dukealien]

Bodies at Daybreak 

The moon, daylit,   possible confusion here between time-of-day and scientific fact that the moon's light comes from the Sun
Drawn down, as dyeing goose down, bleeds,   nice sounds here, and word-play with dye-ing/die-ing
Sheet-thin, crumbling,  idea of crumbly thin-ness will be repeated later
Cool flax of light, original idea here - light as stiff but fluffy flax
Blotted blue by a deluge through a dawn-flooded artery.  circulatory system images will also be revisited
 

My chest, in plum, plumes,  rushed,  takes a moment to realize this is narrator's shirt or blouse rippling in the gale
Ruffed as the rock dove's breast, 
       In the wind, 
The odd cuticle of sleet, here's crusty thin-ness again
      And unsprung March draughts ruffle,   March not yet Spring, ruff- syllable reprised
The ventricles of my feet. circulatory again (and an original mix - chambers of the heart as feet or vice versa)


The toad, breathless skin, for all its description, this verse is an actual sentence ("toad ... wheezed")
Shed, nape-led, heaved,  nape-led is odd - skin shedding starts there?  Do toads shed?
     Copper back, 
Coin belly-dwelling,  toad as a coin - original (hops like a tiddlywink)
Voice wrung, 
Nightlong, wheezed.  Circling back to S1, this is a night moon - daylit was a scientific truth


And, important - this is all one scene.  And this is another complete sentence ("mammal combs ... bones")
The mammal combs, 
Brooding, 
Behind sickle-slitted glaze, interesting image - crescent moon reflected?
      Votive bones, nice rhyme with "combs" but bones are more foretelling than gifts-to-gods, aren't they?
Through broken roots, 
And dewy marks my ankles make.  no more circulatory references, but a nice description - shuffling backward through wet grass

In intensive critique, I'll treat this as a descriptive, contemplative piece without a particular message or project.

On the whole, this is challenging and contains a wealth of original descriptive phrases.  And they all relate to sights one might see watching the moon set as the Sun rises, with bodies (heavenly, toad's, narrator's own) a second organizing system.

Frankly, though, it seems a little thrown-at-the-wall beyond that.  There's almost too much invention, some of it a bit obscure (those dye-ing feathers and the plumed chest).  I liked the parallel image structure of the first two stanzas, though it didn't carry through the remainder as strongly.

This could reasonably present the streamed thoughts of an imaginative viewer but, though it's not particularly short, there seems to be just a little too much squeezed into it; any of the stanzas contains enough material for two or three haiku (g).

So it's grand, and the interlinear above contains few recommendations for edits.  I'd suggest, with your gift for originality, that you *do* try a few haiku, for practice and to tame the  talent just a bit with form.   Along the same lines, practice simple declarative sentences which still contain your excellent descriptions.

[Michiko]

I think that this poem could benefit from some strategic periods. If you would like to accept this, I'd suggest organizing specifically the bottom few lines differently. You certainly have a talent for descriptive imagery but by adding too many words into the picture it makes it harder to follow and instead of the poem sounding mysterious its more so confusing. In all though, this is a lovely poem and I really enjoyed reading it.