Another short poem

[JohnS]

Blowing in the breeze.


These days we watch it on TV
as lives of people crumble.
Drones and bombs and men of war
turn hopes and dreams to rubble.

A poet once cried,
how many more must die,
until too many people have died?
And after all these years we see
the answer’s still blowing in the breeze.

[Rienzi]

Hey there, nice poem! Leaving some feedback as bullets if that's okay:
- Is "blowing in the breeze" meant to be the title or a standalone line? Could work lovelily as a title given the Dylan reference
- The opening hook can be a bit stronger, "we watch it on TV" feels a little too ordinary IMHO
- Same applies for "...hopes and dreams", try tweaking it to create some surprises in the language! e.g. "turn names to rubble" + also it kind of loses the almost percusive texture you created in the line above ""Drones and bombs and men of war"
- I love the little nod to Dylan in the start of S2!

[JohnS]

Hey there, nice poem! Leaving some feedback as bullets if that's okay:
- Is "blowing in the breeze" meant to be the title or a standalone line? Could work lovelily as a title given the Dylan reference
- The opening hook can be a bit stronger, "we watch it on TV" feels a little too ordinary IMHO
- Same applies for "...hopes and dreams", try tweaking it to create some surprises in the language! e.g. "turn names to rubble" + also it kind of loses the almost percusive texture you created in the line above ""Drones and bombs and men of war"
- I love the little nod to Dylan in the start of S2!

Hi, thanks for your comments.
Yes, that is the title up there.
I was going for marching in the first stanza.
The whole thing is a nod to Dylan, glad you got that.

Thanks again for your comments, all grist to the mill.

[J.K. Solberg]

Blowing in the breeze.


These days we watch it on TV
as lives of people crumble.
Drones and bombs and men of war
turn hopes and dreams to rubble.

A poet once cried,
how many more must die,
until too many people have died?
And after all these years we see
the answer’s still blowing in the breeze.

I love the allusion to Bob Dylan's song "Blowin' in the Wind" here.  On one hand, the message is very clear, and that's a great thing to achieve; however, I get the impression that the poem is slightly off-the-cuff, perhaps due to the rigid regularity of the diction and syntax.  I also felt that the first line in the second stanza was a bit forced and doesn't flow with the rest of the poem.  I would have also appreciated if you would have qualified the kind of poet referred to in that line.

---

Blowing in the breeze.


These days we watch it on TV
as lives of people crumble.
Drones and bombs and men of war
turn hopes and dreams to rubble.

A poet once cried,
how many more must die,
until too many people have died?
And after all these years we see
the answer’s still blowing in the breeze.

I love the allusion to Bob Dylan's song "Blowin' in the Wind" here.  On one hand, the message is very clear, and that's a great thing to achieve; however, I get the impression that the poem is slightly off-the-cuff, perhaps due to the rigid regularity of the diction and syntax.  I also felt that the first line in the second stanza was a bit forced and doesn't flow with the rest of the poem.  I would have also appreciated if you would have qualified the kind of poet referred to in that line.

apologies if that was a little bit too in depth.  I forgot I was in the basic critique section.  Overall, I would try to start thinking about the connotation of words more in depth and, once again, be a little less rigid and literal with things.  I personally love experimental poetry even when it isn't good!

[JohnS]

Blowing in the breeze.


These days we watch it on TV
as lives of people crumble.
Drones and bombs and men of war
turn hopes and dreams to rubble.

A poet once cried,
how many more must die,
until too many people have died?
And after all these years we see
the answer’s still blowing in the breeze.

I love the allusion to Bob Dylan's song "Blowin' in the Wind" here.  On one hand, the message is very clear, and that's a great thing to achieve; however, I get the impression that the poem is slightly off-the-cuff, perhaps due to the rigid regularity of the diction and syntax.  I also felt that the first line in the second stanza was a bit forced and doesn't flow with the rest of the poem.  I would have also appreciated if you would have qualified the kind of poet referred to in that line.

---

Blowing in the breeze.


These days we watch it on TV
as lives of people crumble.
Drones and bombs and men of war
turn hopes and dreams to rubble.

A poet once cried,
how many more must die,
until too many people have died?
And after all these years we see
the answer’s still blowing in the breeze.

I love the allusion to Bob Dylan's song "Blowin' in the Wind" here.  On one hand, the message is very clear, and that's a great thing to achieve; however, I get the impression that the poem is slightly off-the-cuff, perhaps due to the rigid regularity of the diction and syntax.  I also felt that the first line in the second stanza was a bit forced and doesn't flow with the rest of the poem.  I would have also appreciated if you would have qualified the kind of poet referred to in that line.

apologies if that was a little bit too in depth.  I forgot I was in the basic critique section.  Overall, I would try to start thinking about the connotation of words more in depth and, once again, be a little less rigid and literal with things.  I personally love experimental poetry even when it isn't good!

Thanks for taking the time to comment.

[Magpie]

Blowing in the breeze.


These days we watch it on TV
as lives of people crumble.
Drones and bombs and men of war
turn hopes and dreams to rubble.

A poet once cried,
how many more must die,
until too many people have died?
And after all these years we see
the answer’s still blowing in the breeze.

Hi John, glad you started coming back and posting again. First of all I would suggest that you give the poem the intended title in the thread so that it is easier even for yourself in future to realise which is which. 

As for the poem, I like the first stanza. The nearly rhyme with crumble/rubble is good and the rhythm works well. The second stanza for me reads too much like a Dylan quote from the song that it perhaps should be in italics or quotation marks.

I like the idea of saying that the situation is still the same as when "Blowin' in the Wind" was first out, however I don't think that two stanzas is long enough to explore this idea thoroughly.

Cheers for the read.

[JohnS]

Blowing in the breeze.


These days we watch it on TV
as lives of people crumble.
Drones and bombs and men of war
turn hopes and dreams to rubble.

A poet once cried,
how many more must die,
until too many people have died?
And after all these years we see
the answer’s still blowing in the breeze.

Hi John, glad you started coming back and posting again. First of all I would suggest that you give the poem the intended title in the thread so that it is easier even for yourself in future to realise which is which. 

As for the poem, I like the first stanza. The nearly rhyme with crumble/rubble is good and the rhythm works well. The second stanza for me reads too much like a Dylan quote from the song that it perhaps should be in italics or quotation marks.

I like the idea of saying that the situation is still the same as when "Blowin' in the Wind" was first out, however I don't think that two stanzas is long enough to explore this idea thoroughly.

Cheers for the read.

Thanks Magpie.