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Senescent
My mind’s escaping, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone
These last three days
three words returned too late
they’d each been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet
when concepts needed names
snare: caught out, I couldn’t name
simple rabbit-catching
anchored loop of wire
when a child asked how
to trap a leprechaun
Kurds: buried name
one brave people snared
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
Etruscans: secret name
tribes of smiling mystery
exhumed from Tuscan provenance
rising in dream-murmurs
as lost words do
How much of my mind’s
refined vocabulary
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 368
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Hi Duke, considering your notes at the bottom I'll leave any kind of line critique for a later time. I feel with this that you are testing to see if it is worth pursuing. I definitely think that this has excellent potential.
My initial thoughts are that I feel as though all the 'words' that the narrator was struggling to recall could be more relevant to the poems subject. Whereas with this, as you say it is 'almost a journal entry' and therefore they are the actual words. The first word, 'snare' however does feel relevant to the poem and this particular section works.
You could have three words all relevant or narrow it down to one and centre it around that.
Also, as a reader, although I appreciate how well the last stanza is written I kind of feel as though I should be asking that question myself about the narrator considering the information that has been garnered from the poem. The title is excellent and does a lot of this work for you I feel in this respect.
This is definitely worth taking further.
Thank you for sharing this Duke it feels very personal.
All the best.
wae aye man ye radgie
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(03-17-2026, 07:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: Senescence Blank
My mind is going, going
but I feel it only when
it’s gone. Just in
these last three days
I rediscovered three words
lost for hours that
had been inaccessible
not found by even
alphabetic search
and prompting when their
concepts needed names–
snare: I could not express
how rabbits are caught
when my grand-nephew wished
to trap a leprechaun
only make pulling motions
with my fingers
Kurds: (just had to alphabet
again) when discussing
their place in Iran,
their aspiration
to be a nation
and Etruscans: wondered
how they related
to Sea Peoples of
a YouTube documentary
(and just had to find
them now, minutes later
yet again by way
of “Tuscany”)
How much of my mind
my vaunted vocabulary
is gone this present moment
hidden or erased
absence unremarked
senescence-walled forever?
This is pretty raw, from a succession of unnerving experiences (of being "at a loss for words"). I expect the first suggestion will be to remove the examples. Almost a journal entry... worth editing?
Hi, duke, I'll take some time before a critique but yes to the examples and yes, worth a polish.
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(03-17-2026, 07:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: Senescence Blank
My mind is going, going
but I feel it only when
it’s gone. Just in
these last three days
I rediscovered three words
lost for hours that
had been inaccessible
not found by even
alphabetic search
and prompting when their
concepts needed names–
snare: I could not express
how rabbits are caught
when my grand-nephew wished
to trap a leprechaun
only make pulling motions
with my fingers
Kurds: (just had to alphabet
again) when discussing
their place in Iran,
their aspiration
to be a nation
and Etruscans: wondered
how they related
to Sea Peoples of
a YouTube documentary
(and just had to find
them now, minutes later
yet again by way
of “Tuscany”)
How much of my mind
my vaunted vocabulary
is gone this present moment
hidden or erased
absence unremarked
senescence-walled forever?
This is pretty raw, from a succession of unnerving experiences (of being "at a loss for words"). I expect the first suggestion will be to remove the examples. Almost a journal entry... worth editing?
Like everyone else, I am going to comment on your comment instead of the poem:
I think the examples are important and the best part in many ways. I think you limit yourself by forcing your narrator to live the same experience as the author(you). For me, it would make sense to choose 3 examples that will al point to your theme or central metaphor and then fill in the details using as much rich language as you feel does it justice. Now this doesn't say that your current examples couldn't or don't work, I just wanted to comment on the process and the potential.
Also, I would switch the title to Senescent but that could just be a personal preference.
Does it have potential? Absolutely - you are rooting around for the metaphor and I think you might want to decide more firmly what that is.
and just a follow-up: snare - definitely keep that one - it is a perfect double meaning for someone 'snared' by their own mind
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(03-17-2026, 07:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: Senescence Blank
My mind is going, going
but I feel it only when
it’s gone. Just in
these last three days
I rediscovered three words
lost for hours that
had been inaccessible
not found by even
alphabetic search
and prompting when their
concepts needed names–
snare: I could not express
how rabbits are caught
when my grand-nephew wished
to trap a leprechaun
only make pulling motions
with my fingers
Kurds: (just had to alphabet
again) when discussing
their place in Iran,
their aspiration
to be a nation
and Etruscans: wondered
how they related
to Sea Peoples of
a YouTube documentary
(and just had to find
them now, minutes later
yet again by way
of “Tuscany”)
How much of my mind
my vaunted vocabulary
is gone this present moment
hidden or erased
absence unremarked
senescence-walled forever?
This is pretty raw, from a succession of unnerving experiences (of being "at a loss for words"). I expect the first suggestion will be to remove the examples. Almost a journal entry... worth editing?
I really enjoyed this poem — it’s technically very well put together, and the emotion stays consistent all the way through, which is something I’ve been trying to experiment with in my own writing.
I also liked the opening a lot. I tried a small tweak there:
“three days
to find three words”
And I especially liked the “snare” section. I was playing around with it a bit and wrote:
“an unnerving need to decipher
how hares are caught—
when my grand-nephew wished
to wring a leprechaun”
Just small changes, maybe slightly more folklike and ironic, but your original is already probably better.
Thanks for sharing — I love this interesting poem.
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Joined: Nov 2015
edit;
Senescent
My mind is going, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone
These last three days
three words returned too late
that had been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet
when concepts needed names–
snare: hand-twisted noose
caught out, I couldn’t name
that simple rabbit-catcher
when a child desired
to trap a leprechaun
Kurds: lost name for
one brave people snared
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
Etruscans: secret name
lost tribes of mystery
awakening from murmurs
of Tuscany last night
as lost words do
How much of my mind’s
proud vocabulary
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?
Hearty thanks to all critics. I'm particularly seized by the idea that the narrator ("N"  ) could be a fictional character who is not I. I didn't implement that for this edit, but still thinking about it. Also especially to @milo, for the better title and the observation that a metaphor was developing. A padded cell of sorts...
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 149
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Hey, duke, so excellent, some notes:
(03-17-2026, 07:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: Senescent
My mind is going, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone
The opener works for me, going/entering, going/gone.
These last three days
three words returned too late
that had been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet
when concepts needed names–
"That" is awkward for me, I'd prefer "they"; with no punctuation you could probably get away with none after late. In fact, you could probably lose the m-dash and question mark without harm if you wanted to.
snare: hand-twisted noose
caught out, I couldn’t name
that simple rabbit-catcher
when a child desired
to trap a leprechaun
I prefer the original here, with or without the hand motions.
Kurds: lost name for
one brave people snared
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
Yes to the double snare, and the depth of "restore a nation".
Etruscans: secret name
lost tribes of mystery
awakening from murmurs
of Tuscany last night
as lost words do
Lovely layers here.
How much of my mind’s
proud vocabulary
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?
Yes to evanesced and soft-sunk.
A beautiful edit, your Narrator has enchanting control of their vocabulary.
Posts: 1,437
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Joined: Dec 2016
Hello duke, it is good to see you working on this one, I feel it resonates on a personal level for all writers.. First - the title change, I like it. Senescence is an abstraction and this poem is about a person. Senescent describes a person.
(03-17-2026, 07:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: Senescent
My mind is going, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone
My initial thoughts - as I am sure you would guess - were the use of passive voice. In this case it is preferrable as it indicates something happening, uncontrollably, to the narrator. I wonder if there isn't a stronger word for going but I am not sure. In it's current state it is a cliche. Also, are there other verbs that would more strongly point to your metaphor. Like I said, nothing comes to mind for me so maybe this is best.
Quote:These last three days
three words returned too late
that had been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet
when concepts needed names–
The rhythm throughout here is solid. I like pretty much all of this. Line ends are all good. I like the parallel of three-three. I love the idea of concepts needing names, it provides an insistence.
Quote:snare: hand-twisted noose
caught out, I couldn’t name
that simple rabbit-catcher
when a child desired
to trap a leprechaun
Kurds: lost name for
one brave people snared
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
I like the call back to snare. I don't understand the need for "one" here so I may be missing something. The double meaning on caught out is nice. Once again, there are plenty echoes of "caught", "lost" "trapped" - I think they work well setting up a almost subliminal messaging. "desired" may be the wrong word. Nevermind, I missed the purpose of one before and on successive reads it came to me. Yes, I realize I could go back and erase my earlier thought.
Quote:Etruscans: secret name
lost tribes of mystery
awakening from murmurs
of Tuscany last night
as lost words do
I have a personal aversion to poets using the old "xxxx of some abstraction" construct which you have here with "tribes of mystery". Not sure exactly how to engineer it but Tuscan is such a better word than Tuscany.
Quote:How much of my mind’s
proud vocabulary
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?
nice tip to padded room. The $10 word suddenly showing up to accentuate the situation is good as well. I don't care for "proud" here - perhaps because it is modifying vocabulary but I do feel it is importatnt to communicate so maybe just a rearrangement.
Overall - I think it's solid. Thanks for posting.
[/quote]
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(03-17-2026, 07:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: Senescent
My mind is going, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone
These last three days
three words returned too late
that had been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet
when concepts needed names–
snare: hand-twisted noose
caught out, I couldn’t name
that simple rabbit-catcher
when a child desired
to trap a leprechaun
Kurds: lost name for
one brave people snared
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
Etruscans: secret name
lost tribes of mystery
awakening from murmurs
of Tuscany last night
as lost words do
How much of my mind’s
proud vocabulary
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?
I was really taken by your poem—it stuck with me, especially the way you captured that quiet, unsettling loss of language.
I’m not sure if this is allowed, but I wanted to try responding to it by writing something of my own. I tried to enact that same feeling of loss through the structure of the poem itself—letting the gaps and returns mirror the experience.
Here’s my take on it:
Senescent
My mind is going—
entering
a space I notice
only when it’s gone.
Three days—
three words returned
too late.
Inspired, not found,
no thought
or alphabet.
snare:
hand-twisted noose—
the rabbit-catcher
I could not name
when a child wanted
a leprechaun trapped.
Kurds:
a people
caught in four lands—
the name slipping.
Etruscans:
the last of lost tribes—
rising last night
from Tuscany
as words do
when they return
too late.
How much
has gone—
vocabulary
soft-sunk,
written, erased—
a room
padded thin
with nothing,
its walls
gone.
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somehow the end of my comments was cut off so I re-added it. Not that it was anything special but I am a competionist
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edit2;
Senescent
My mind’s escaping, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone
These last three days
three words returned too late
they’d each been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet
when concepts needed names
snare: caught out, I couldn’t name
simple rabbit-catching
anchored loop of wire
when a child asked how
to trap a leprechaun
Kurds: buried name
one brave people snared
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
Etruscans: secret name
tribes of smiling mystery
exhumed from Tuscan provenance
rising in dream-murmurs
as lost words do
How much of my mind’s
refined vocabulary
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?
Renewed thanks to all the critics. I've tried to implement many of the suggestions (although, @ilovewomenandbeer, your improving rewrite was a little more than I could handle all at once). For approval and suggestions from @wasellajam, special thanks. And to @milo, I hope the changes work and avoid the pitfalls you mentioned. (Did Etruscans really look like that? If the Etruscan smile was only an artistic convention, it was still an expression they liked to see on their honored dead.)
(03-19-2026, 10:33 AM)milo Wrote: somehow the end of my comments was cut off so I re-added it. Not that it was anything special but I am a competionist
I noticed that, but read them anyway - they had slipped under the "Previous Versions" guillotine. 
Non-practicing atheist
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Hello duke, I have read through this a dozen or so times now and I can't see anything else to add so I will just comment on what works for me. 1. The pacing seems just right, the poem the perfect length. Phrasing is neither too sparse nor too verbose striking the perfect balance. The content is deliberate and well thought out. It doesn't ramble endlessly but it also allows time and space to enter the poem, enjoy it and leave. 2. It uses a lot of bridge metaphor without being overt about it. Choices seem to fall in place naturally and effortlessly.
(03-17-2026, 07:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: Senescent
My mind’s escaping, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone
It is strange the effect a single word can have but I had to go back and compare the original to this version several times to reassure myself. "Escaping" - it communicates so much. It really conveys the lack of agency with that one thought.
Quote:These last three days
three words returned too late
they’d each been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet
when concepts needed names
"each" is such an important word here and I am glad you didn't try to sanitize it. Once again - the concepts "needed" names - there is an urgency to it. Rhythm and word choice all good through here.
Quote:snare: caught out, I couldn’t name
simple rabbit-catching
anchored loop of wire
when a child asked how
to trap a leprechaun
This part here as well - there is a panic to the phrase "caught out".
Quote:Kurds: buried name
one brave people snared
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
Etruscans: secret name
tribes of smiling mystery
exhumed from Tuscan provenance
rising in dream-murmurs
as lost words do
The polish throughout both if these is very nice. You have made subtle deliberate choices that improve the reading and solidify the metaphor without breaking any of your original architecture.
Quote:How much of my mind’s
refined vocabulary
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?
The ending needed the least and you were careful to keep what worked intact.
Overall, I think it's great. I would spotlight it both as a poem and as a great example of workshopping if I could but, alas, those days are long passed for me.
Thanks for sticking with it.
[/quote]
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Hi dukealien,
I read the earlier drafts and coming back to this version now I can pick out some improvements and other things that leave more to be desired. For instance, the "definitions" I think are improvements. I remember reading how other commenters wanted the words to perhaps be swapped out for other words that are more faithful to the poem's themes, but I wanted to see if the N could maybe go deeper into the definitions of these 3 words instead to find something more thematic, which is what I think you're doing in this edit. Concerning the title, I think "Senescence" would do better at conveying the condition the n is experiencing. Senescent sounds like a noun should come after it, like you had previously with "blank"
(03-17-2026, 07:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: Senescent
My mind’s escaping, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone I like the previous version of this stanza better. It felt more natural, like how someone who is struggling to remember words would speak.
These last three days
three words returned too late
they’d each been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet I'm having trouble seeing the relevance of this line and the one before. We know the N is struggling with memory. It kinda dulls the sharpness of the next line.
when concepts needed names
snare: caught out, I couldn’t name
simple rabbit-catching
anchored loop of wire
when a child asked how
to trap a leprechaun
Kurds: buried name
one brave people snared I like how you incorporated "snare" into this definition and I thought you would do this with "Kurds" in the next definition. A bit let down haha. But I think it's still completely fine this way.
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
Etruscans: secret name
tribes of smiling mystery
exhumed from Tuscan provenance
rising in dream-murmurs
as lost words do Going back to my initial comment on this poem, I like how you stuck with these words. It pays off in this last line.
How much of my mind’s
refined vocabulary "Refined" is a bit much haha. You risk alienating the reader I think. You could condense to "how much of my vocabulary" or lexicon for vocabulary.
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left Maybe it would be too drastic to suggest this line and the lines after are cut? I like this idea of ending the poem on a discordant note, with the n still trying to remember other things and kinda trailing off. I think it's an idea worth giving some thought.
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?
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@alonso ramoran - Thanks (sincerely!) for moderating the approval-high I got from @milo's most recent critique  . I will try to make improvements based on your comments. This is the virtue of having many critics: triangulation. And not getting self-satisfied.
Concerning "not found by ... alphabet," my (seldom successful) last resort for finding a lost word is to run through the alphabet. That is, having some idea of the letter with which the word begins, start with it and hook on a, b, etc. (try vowels first if it starts with a consonant). This can take a while for (one example) oxalic acid. And there are traps: searching for "ambiguous" I get deflected by "actuarial" and "ambivalent." It's a short line, surely I can make this clearer...
And thanks again to @milo. Yes, you've deduced the method for almost every change, and some of the interim steps. Cheers!
Non-practicing atheist
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