fate of the poet

[josie_loves_poems]

prereq- i follow haiku norms loosely (seasons, nature, lots of direct imagery ect) because i enjoy the style! because of this, i do consider this a series of haikus.


fate of the poet

“i won’t shoot too far,
“icarus is not my fate”
empty promises

never seen again
eaten by the clouds and sun
flown away from “home”

hot sun burns my lungs
reach further to grasp the star
i pop, burst open

crumble flip and fall
freely down and back to hell
they say i belong

sun was my escape
the brilliant hell trap of
lies and thoughtlessness

write then burn then write
tell your god to kill me quick
after what i’ve preached

scribble flimsy words
sizzle pop sink through my grasp
in this hell’s best flame

spared are the poets
the most thoughtful damnation
burn their horrid words

[Magpie]

Hi Josie, this is an interesting concept. From what I gather there is such a thing as a 'chainku', where several 'ku' are linked to form a larger poem. The problem with introducing them as haiku is that it opens up the possibility of people disagreeing with you that they are haiku. I have no problem with restricting it to a 5-7-5 structure, that is a technical challenge.

None of these could be classed as 'traditional haiku', they are closer to 'senryu' as they have a human element. 
I feel a poem like this, where they are all haiku that link and make sense would be difficult. 
You've got some nice images in here and I like the idea also. I think at times that the 5-7-5 structure becomes a slight hinderance, but the challenge with any technical poetry is to make it flow easily.

There are times where your haiku don't stand individually and need to be linked or it reads awkwardly

prereq- i follow haiku norms loosely (seasons, nature, lots of direct imagery ect) because i enjoy the style! because of this, i do consider this a series of haikus.


fate of the poet

“i won’t shoot too far,
“icarus is not my fate”
empty promises 

never seen again
eaten by the clouds and sun
flown away from “home”  -- i feel that these first two are one stanza

hot sun burns my lungs
reach further to grasp the star
i pop, burst open   -- some of the 'ku' read slightly awkwardly possibly because of the adherence to a 5-7-5 structure a possible other way of writing this passage could be something like, although that is not me suggesting an edit...

hot sun burns my lungs
as i reach further to grasp
that elusive star

crumble flip and fall
freely down and back to hell
they say i belong   -- I like this enjambment here

I feel like the 3rd and 4th 'ku' could be read as one stanza

sun was my escape
the brilliant hell trap of
lies and thoughtlessness

write then burn then write
tell your god to kill me quick
after what i’ve preached -- I like the images in these passages

scribble flimsy words -- and I really like this line
sizzle pop sink through my grasp
in this hell’s best flame

spared are the poets
the most thoughtful damnation
burn their horrid words

I really like the idea and the overall concept. Some of them stand individually and others seem as though they need to be linked to another one and this for me is where it becomes slightly awkward and detracts from the poem as a whole.

Thanks for the read, interested to see where this goes.

[ilovewomenandbeer]

I like the dark atmosphere you build throughout the sequence, especially with the recurring sun and fire imagery. Some of the sensory moments work really well and feel very close to a haiku style i would like to think. The image in “hot sun burns my lungs,” but you might experiment with tightening it a bit to make the language sharper. Something like “burning sun, scorching lungs.” Also i think if you explain less and emotionally, you can let the imagery carry the emotion instead of explaining it.

[josie_loves_poems]

Hi Josie, this is an interesting concept. From what I gather there is such a thing as a 'chainku', where several 'ku' are linked to form a larger poem. The problem with introducing them as haiku is that it opens up the possibility of people disagreeing with you that they are haiku. I have no problem with restricting it to a 5-7-5 structure, that is a technical challenge.

None of these could be classed as 'traditional haiku', they are closer to 'senryu' as they have a human element. 
I feel a poem like this, where they are all haiku that link and make sense would be difficult. 
You've got some nice images in here and I like the idea also. I think at times that the 5-7-5 structure becomes a slight hinderance, but the challenge with any technical poetry is to make it flow easily.

There are times where your haiku don't stand individually and need to be linked or it reads awkwardly

prereq- i follow haiku norms loosely (seasons, nature, lots of direct imagery ect) because i enjoy the style! because of this, i do consider this a series of haikus.


fate of the poet

“i won’t shoot too far,
“icarus is not my fate”
empty promises 

never seen again
eaten by the clouds and sun
flown away from “home”  -- i feel that these first two are one stanza

hot sun burns my lungs
reach further to grasp the star
i pop, burst open   -- some of the 'ku' read slightly awkwardly possibly because of the adherence to a 5-7-5 structure a possible other way of writing this passage could be something like, although that is not me suggesting an edit...

hot sun burns my lungs
as i reach further to grasp
that elusive star

crumble flip and fall
freely down and back to hell
they say i belong   -- I like this enjambment here

I feel like the 3rd and 4th 'ku' could be read as one stanza

sun was my escape
the brilliant hell trap of
lies and thoughtlessness

write then burn then write
tell your god to kill me quick
after what i’ve preached -- I like the images in these passages

scribble flimsy words -- and I really like this line
sizzle pop sink through my grasp
in this hell’s best flame

spared are the poets
the most thoughtful damnation
burn their horrid words

I really like the idea and the overall concept. Some of them stand individually and others seem as though they need to be linked to another one and this for me is where it becomes slightly awkward and detracts from the poem as a whole.

Thanks for the read, interested to see where this goes.

thank you so much for the feedback!! i'm not super knowledgeable about poem classifications, i just love the challenge of limiting myself and trying to make it work. i will play around with linking some together, that makes a lot of sense to me. i'm glad you enjoyed!

---

I like the dark atmosphere you build throughout the sequence, especially with the recurring sun and fire imagery. Some of the sensory moments work really well and feel very close to a haiku style i would like to think. The image in “hot sun burns my lungs,” but you might experiment with tightening it a bit to make the language sharper. Something like “burning sun, scorching lungs.” Also i think if you explain less and emotionally, you can let the imagery carry the emotion instead of explaining it.

thank you so much for the critique! i'm glad you enjoyed, the imagery is my favorite part of this poem. i definitely understand what you mean and i'll play around with the feelings vs. explanation of the feelings, i feel like that could take it to the next level! thanks so much again!!

[alonso ramoran]

Josie,

I love the idea of assembling a longer poem out of haiku-shaped stanzas. I think it's also done pretty well.

prereq- i follow haiku norms loosely (seasons, nature, lots of direct imagery ect) because i enjoy the style! because of this, i do consider this a series of haikus.


fate of the poet

“i won’t shoot too far,
“icarus is not my fate”
empty promises

never seen again
eaten by the clouds and sun original phrasing
flown away from “home” I think this works better as your first "stanza"

hot sun burns my lungs this line isn't landing (no icarus ) as well as i think it could. mostly because i imagine cold air having this effect rather than heat.
reach further to grasp the star
i pop, burst open at this point in the poem i remember how icarus fell because of his wings melting. i don't recall him bursting, and it left me wishing that the poem would mention this detail in some way. that said, perhaps you could adjust this line to something like: wax melts into sea?

crumble flip and fall im unsure about the use of crumble
freely down and back to hell
they say i belong

sun was my escape
the brilliant hell trap of  i think a "from" was omitted at the beginning of this line to accommodate the haiku format. you could still get away with including it bc of the flexible pronunciation of brilliant. as it is you could confuse some readers who might think you are referring to both the sun and earth as hell.
lies and thoughtlessness

write then burn then write
tell your god to kill me quick
after what i’ve preached a fan of this stanza

scribble flimsy words
sizzle pop sink through my grasp pop is used twice. personally it can get distracting beyond one use unless there is some strong intention. sorry if this sounds very pedantic lol. i'm also not sure of what exactly is being described as sizzling in the speaker's grasp.
in this hell’s best flame 

spared are the poets
the most thoughtful damnation
burn their horrid words nice closer

Thank you for sharing!