The Clockmaker's Joy

[milo]

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day


and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.


Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight

crashes

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.

[fastmarshmallow]

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day


and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.


Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight

crashes

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.

As I was reading this aloud in my head, I felt as though the ticking of my wristwatch, sat on my bedside table, became unusually pronounced and inconsistent... In other words, bravo!

I particularly enjoyed (from an auditory perspective) how, S3, is syllable-heavy and sluggish (i.e., 'met-ro-nom-ic', 'ent-ro-py') and then S4 suddenly breaks into light/airy/skittish semantics + sonics - which I think helps convey the euphoria of being liberated from the chains of time (particularly with the beautiful fricative sounds produced by 'fall beneath us as we fly').

After 'but', the colour of the poem changes entirely, as dawn turns to dusk. The final image of the twelve children (incarnation of the passing day) is I think just the right conclusion to this fashionably existentialist poem. I wish someone could paint that scene - perhaps you can commission any talented artists you know. 

One stylistic quibble - in S2, L2, the two successive "you"s feel disruptive to me. (But NB: the triple "across" in S6 feels rhetorically right and purposive to me, keep that)
Again - in S4, L1, is 'up' necessary? "we can leap to the sky" shifts stress onto 'leap' which sounds better to my ear --> perhaps then you can change next line's tense from present continuous to simple i.e., "casting" to "cast" (in the interests of meter?)

[wasellajam]

milo Wrote:

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day
I like the way S1/S2 separates the rhyme and slows the pace. Strong image.

and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.
I love the solidity of sundial here after all the air in S1. Yes to within it/the minute. Love the idea and feel of "slip the minute", though I picture the sundial as planted.

Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs
This strophe speeds by with a staccato beat, fun to read, especially in contrast to languid pace of S1/S2. Although I enjoy "entropy of springs" I'm still chewing on it, I think because I really can't grasp how entropy applies to springs even with a bit a bit of research. I just didn't want to hold off posting until it finally clicked.


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.
Slowing down a bit but I can feel their dream of weightlessness. I particularly like "the curvature...fly" phrase.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.
And down we go. The contrast is stark enough, I don't know that you need all that space after "but".
I love the sonics and solidity of "chaise" and enjoy chaise/churn/clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight
I appreciate coming back up out of the grave but nothing else really strikes me about this strophe, it's fine. I've missed a mate to "chill" but the rhymes float around to the point where it didn't bother me.

crashes
Here's where the lack of punctuation gets me. I put the "but" above down to the following line and the "crash" up to the line above it where it ruins my attempt to abandon fear. I'm doing a lot of work with those words without a payoff I can see.

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.
I haven't come to grips with the group as opposed to twelve children yet but I get the feeling that one's on me, it may click.

So I hope my ramblings help in some way, I enjoy it every time I come back. Thanks for the read and for posting it.

[milo]

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day


and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.


Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight

crashes

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.

As I was reading this aloud in my head, I felt as though the ticking of my wristwatch, sat on my bedside table, became unusually pronounced and inconsistent... In other words, bravo!

I particularly enjoyed (from an auditory perspective) how, S3, is syllable-heavy and sluggish (i.e., 'met-ro-nom-ic', 'ent-ro-py') and then S4 suddenly breaks into light/airy/skittish semantics + sonics - which I think helps convey the euphoria of being liberated from the chains of time (particularly with the beautiful fricative sounds produced by 'fall beneath us as we fly').

After 'but', the colour of the poem changes entirely, as dawn turns to dusk. The final image of the twelve children (incarnation of the passing day) is I think just the right conclusion to this fashionably existentialist poem. I wish someone could paint that scene - perhaps you can commission any talented artists you know. 

One stylistic quibble - in S2, L2, the two successive "you"s feel disruptive to me. (But NB: the triple "across" in S6 feels rhetorically right and purposive to me, keep that)
Again - in S4, L1, is 'up' necessary? "we can leap to the sky" shifts stress onto 'leap' which sounds better to my ear --> perhaps then you can change next line's tense from present continuous to simple i.e., "casting" to "cast" (in the interests of meter?)

Hello

Thank you so much for reading and commenting.  You make some good callouts here, I am going to reconsider those choices.

Thaks again.

---

milo Wrote: 

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day
I like the way S1/S2 separates the rhyme and slows the pace. Strong image.

and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.
I love the solidity of sundial here after all the air in S1. Yes to within it/the minute. Love the idea and feel of "slip the minute", though I picture the sundial as planted.

Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs
This strophe speeds by with a staccato beat, fun to read, especially in contrast to languid pace of S1/S2. Although I enjoy "entropy of springs" I'm still chewing on it, I think because I really can't grasp how entropy applies to springs even with a bit a bit of research. I just didn't want to hold off posting until it finally clicked.


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.
Slowing down a bit but I can feel their dream of weightlessness. I particularly like "the curvature...fly" phrase.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.
And down we go. The contrast is stark enough, I don't know that you need all that space after "but".
I love the sonics and solidity of "chaise" and enjoy chaise/churn/clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight
I appreciate coming back up out of the grave but nothing else really strikes me about this strophe, it's fine. I've missed a mate to "chill" but the rhymes float around to the point where it didn't bother me.

crashes
Here's where the lack of punctuation gets me. I put the "but" above down to the following line and the "crash" up to the line above it where it ruins my attempt to abandon fear. I'm doing a lot of work with those words without a payoff I can see.

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.
I haven't come to grips with the group as opposed to twelve children yet but I get the feeling that one's  on me, it may click.

So I hope my ramblings help in some way, I enjoy it every time I come back. Thanks for the read and for posting it.

Hello ella

Thank you so much for describing your experience as you read.  Much of it was similar to my intent which confirms what is working as well as some which is unclear and even that - I amy not have been 100% sure of what I wanted to say myself so I will consider if that ambiguity is controlled or just to haphazard.

Thanks

[John Beaton]

Hi, Milo. I enjoy many aspects of this poem. Here are my comments:

In terms of general interpretation, I’m drawn to the idea of breaking away from Time’s Sword of Damocles and feeling the euphoria of enjoying life un-menaced by it. That’s the general theme I get from your poem. If I’m mistaken, some of my comments will be misguided.

With that interpretation, I read the first four stanzas, set in a bright summer day, as N leaping with a companion into a Time-free zone of joy.

The next stanza which I’ll call S5, set at night-time, shows Time encroaching again and carrying with it the threat of mortality.

But S6 brings us back to brightness.

The final couplet gives us a truly striking image but it’s a little difficult to interpret. I read it as referring to a new generation who will challenge time (symbolized by the moon, which is the measuring-rod of years in twelve month-long lunar intervals) with new lives.

Within that general interpretive framework, I have the following {detailed comments}:  

The Clockmaker's Joy

{It’s great title but I don’t see the “Clockmaker” in the poem. The only timepiece is the sundial and there’s no indication that N made it. “Clockmaker” has strong associations with “Creator” but I read the poem as describing the joy as belonging to N, not to some omnipotent being.}

In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day
 
{I appreciate the craft of the double-rhyme—white/bright and hay/day—but is hay, even if dried-out, a paradigm of whiteness? 
I like “intolerable”. 
The use of “bright” as a noun meaning “brightness” seems valid but some dictionaries label it as poetic.} 
 
and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.

{I now ask myself who “you” is. 
“A sundial trapped within it” throws me. Is “it”’s antecedent the day? And is “you” the sundial? It would read that way if the sundial phrase is in apposition to “you” but the punctuation doesn’t suggest that. The only conclusion I can derive is that “you” is another person, likely N’s companion. 
In that case, maybe N is likening that person to a sundial, trapped in a Time-bound environment. If that's the intent, I think it works but with some effort on the part of the reader. Different punctuation could help. If you delete the L1 dash and break the sentence at the end of L1, would that reflect your meaning?
I like the colloquial touch of “slip the minute.”}

Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs

{My reading would be smoother with two adjustments. 
The punctuation is on/off. I’d prefer regular. 
The meter jumps about too. In S1/S2 you set up a metrical expectation of 3-line stanzas rhymed AxA. Then in S3 and S4 you switch to envelope quatrain (ABBA), in S5 to an ABAB quatrain with a slant B-rhyme, and in S6 to an AxAx quatrain. It works but it keeps the reader changing gears. 
Speaking of which, I like the metronomic gears imagery but there’s potential confusion if the reader tries to link them with the sundial, which has no gears to click. 
Since there’s a period at the end of S2, I read S3 as starting a new sentence  and I don’t see a clear antecedent for “it” in L3. Changing "metronomic to "metronome" might fix it.
Does "springs" mean seasons or clock-springs? In either case, those things move with regularity so I wonder about “entropy.”} 
  
we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.

{And here we have the joy. Very nice. 
It looks as if mid-L3 could use a sentence break.}

but

{Nice turn before the bubble bursts.}

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.

{Good stanza with “chaise” and “helpless” setting the scene well. The rhymes seem tangled and I question whether the repeat of “turn” in L4 fits.}

Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight

{I like the first three lines.
That said, I'm a little doubtful about “moonlight’s chill.”
L4 jars metrically and looks as if it should be the start of a new sentence.} 

crashes

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.

{This finish is excellent if my general interpretation is okay.}

All the best with this,

John

[milo]

Hi, Milo. I enjoy many aspects of this poem. Here are my comments:

In terms of general interpretation, I’m drawn to the idea of breaking away from Time’s Sword of Damocles and feeling the euphoria of enjoying life un-menaced by it. That’s the general theme I get from your poem. If I’m mistaken, some of my comments will be misguided.

With that interpretation, I read the first four stanzas, set in a bright summer day, as N leaping with a companion into a Time-free zone of joy.

The next stanza which I’ll call S5, set at night-time, shows Time encroaching again and carrying with it the threat of mortality.

But S6 brings us back to brightness.

The final couplet gives us a truly striking image but it’s a little difficult to interpret. I read it as referring to a new generation who will challenge time (symbolized by the moon, which is the measuring-rod of years in twelve month-long lunar intervals) with new lives.

Within that general interpretive framework, I have the following {detailed comments}:  

The Clockmaker's Joy

{It’s great title but I don’t see the “Clockmaker” in the poem. The only timepiece is the sundial and there’s no indication that N made it. “Clockmaker” has strong associations with “Creator” but I read the poem as describing the joy as belonging to N, not to some omnipotent being.}

In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day
 
{I appreciate the craft of the double-rhyme—white/bright and hay/day—but is hay, even if dried-out, a paradigm of whiteness? 
I like “intolerable”. 
The use of “bright” as a noun meaning “brightness” seems valid but some dictionaries label it as poetic.} 
 
and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.

{I now ask myself who “you” is. 
“A sundial trapped within it” throws me. Is “it”’s antecedent the day? And is “you” the sundial? It would read that way if the sundial phrase is in apposition to “you” but the punctuation doesn’t suggest that. The only conclusion I can derive is that “you” is another person, likely N’s companion. 
In that case, maybe N is likening that person to a sundial, trapped in a Time-bound environment. If that's the intent, I think it works but with some effort on the part of the reader. Different punctuation could help. If you delete the L1 dash and break the sentence at the end of L1, would that reflect your meaning?
I like the colloquial touch of “slip the minute.”}

Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs

{My reading would be smoother with two adjustments. 
The punctuation is on/off. I’d prefer regular. 
The meter jumps about too. In S1/S2 you set up a metrical expectation of 3-line stanzas rhymed AxA. Then in S3 and S4 you switch to envelope quatrain (ABBA), in S5 to an ABAB quatrain with a slant B-rhyme, and in S6 to an AxAx quatrain. It works but it keeps the reader changing gears. 
Speaking of which, I like the metronomic gears imagery but there’s potential confusion if the reader tries to link them with the sundial, which has no gears to click. 
Since there’s a period at the end of S2, I read S3 as starting a new sentence  and I don’t see a clear antecedent for “it” in L3. Changing "metronomic to "metronome" might fix it.
Does "springs" mean seasons or clock-springs? In either case, those things move with regularity so I wonder about “entropy.”} 
  
we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.

{And here we have the joy. Very nice. 
It looks as if mid-L3 could use a sentence break.}

but

{Nice turn before the bubble bursts.}

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.

{Good stanza with “chaise” and “helpless” setting the scene well. The rhymes seem tangled and I question whether the repeat of “turn” in L4 fits.}

Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight

{I like the first three lines.
That said, I'm a little doubtful about “moonlight’s chill.”
L4 jars metrically and looks as if it should be the start of a new sentence.} 

crashes

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.

{This finish is excellent if my general interpretation is okay.}

All the best with this,

John

Hello

Thank you for this excellent and very detailed and well thought out feedback.  Most of your interpretations are generally aligned with my intent which is a positive sign.  I am digesting some of your thoughts toward punctuation - et al.  The changing rhyme and meter is a nod to Eliot/Pound (or that was the feel I was going for)

Once again, thanks and welcome to the site!