The second train of thought

[Smiley]

So, i improvise for you a poem
Whilst sitting here at home
Again this time
I write it in rhyme
Waiting for inspiration
That will unite every land and nation
I want world peace, thats all
I heard Gods call

Becuse, thats important to me
To live happy and free
Self development is the key
Against the powers that be
Also love, love and more love, you see
Im pouring my heart out
Thats what this is about

---

Fun    what do yall think? I wrote with blood as my ink.

[wizzpower]

So, i improvise for you a poem
Whilst sitting here at home
Again this time
I write it in rhyme
Waiting for inspiration
That will unite every land and nation
I want world peace, thats all
I heard Gods call (ryhme here feels forced)

Beca?use, thats important to me
To live happy and free
Self development is the key - ryhme feels forced
Against the powers that be - ryhme feels forced also what does power that be mean?
Also love, love and more love, you see - idt i need to say it again
Im pouring my heart out
Thats what this is about

---

Fun    what do yall think? I wrote with blood as my ink.

This feels very genuine
 but it feels like you have just said things that ryhme and sometimes unnatural due to trying to ryhme
it also isnt very complex which makes it abit boring
I feel your thought and feelings that you are trying to convey maybe should be more expressive ig?
show not tell is pretty important in poetry imo but even so the yearn for this world peace and spreading love can be shown better through comparing it with something else or just increasing the intensity

(also idk if im being too harsh for basic critique) 
just wanted to share my thoughts

[Smiley]

So, i improvise for you a poem
Whilst sitting here at home
Again this time
I write it in rhyme
Waiting for inspiration
That will unite every land and nation
I want world peace, thats all
I heard Gods call (ryhme here feels forced)

Beca?use, thats important to me
To live happy and free
Self development is the key - ryhme feels forced
Against the powers that be - ryhme feels forced also what does power that be mean?
Also love, love and more love, you see - idt i need to say it again
Im pouring my heart out
Thats what this is about

---

Fun    what do yall think? I wrote with blood as my ink.

This feels very genuine
 but it feels like you have just said things that ryhme and sometimes unnatural due to trying to ryhme
it also isnt very complex which makes it abit boring
I feel your thought and feelings that you are trying to convey maybe should be more expressive ig?
show not tell is pretty important in poetry imo but even so the yearn for this world peace and spreading love can be shown better through comparing it with something else or just increasing the intensity

(also idk if im being too harsh for basic critique) 
just wanted to share my thoughts

I welcome your thoughts, and i thank u for sharing!

[fastmarshmallow]

So, i improvise for you a poem
Whilst sitting here at home
Again this time
I write it in rhyme
Waiting for inspiration
That will unite every land and nation
I want world peace, thats all
I heard Gods call

Becuse, thats important to me
To live happy and free
Self development is the key
Against the powers that be
Also love, love and more love, you see
Im pouring my heart out
Thats what this is about

---

Fun    what do yall think? I wrote with blood as my ink.

Hi Smiley, nice to see another fellow new poet in the Pen. Glad you're enjoying it as much as I am! I think what might help is if you choose one theme, concept or idea and let your poem revolve around that. Although tracing your train of thought can work at times, here it seems forced in for the sake of writing something. 

For instance, when you were making breakfast this morning, did the jam on your toast remind you of a gory painting you've seen? The ideas can be pretty basic - it's how your lines describe them that count.  

[Smiley]

So, i improvise for you a poem
Whilst sitting here at home
Again this time
I write it in rhyme
Waiting for inspiration
That will unite every land and nation
I want world peace, thats all
I heard Gods call

Becuse, thats important to me
To live happy and free
Self development is the key
Against the powers that be
Also love, love and more love, you see
Im pouring my heart out
Thats what this is about

---

Fun    what do yall think? I wrote with blood as my ink.

Hi Smiley, nice to see another fellow new poet in the Pen. Glad you're enjoying it as much as I am! I think what might help is if you choose one theme, concept or idea and let your poem revolve around that. Although tracing your train of thought can work at times, here it seems forced in for the sake of writing something. 

For instance, when you were making breakfast this morning, did the jam on your toast remind you of a gory painting you've seen? The ideas can be pretty basic - it's how your lines describe them that count.  

Hello   yea, thanks for your opinion!

[Quicksilver]

Hey Smiley! This was an interesting read for sure! I liked the "waiting for inspiration... I want world peace, that's all" I feel that on a deep level as a poet. Having grand ideas that feel simple yet impossibly out of reach. I think one thought would be to either elevate the ironic tone, or elevate the playful nature of what's going on? It feels either forcibly playful while masking a deeper thought, or kind of simplifying something more complex. Especially the second verse? I think either the tension needs to be built up more strongly for a release of a solution, or the problem needs to narrowed in scope. Otherwise it feels a little banal? But the little ending line is definitely a good surprise punch.

[Smiley]

Hey Smiley! This was an interesting read for sure! I liked the "waiting for inspiration... I want world peace, that's all" I feel that on a deep level as a poet. Having grand ideas that feel simple yet impossibly out of reach. I think one thought would be to either elevate the ironic tone, or elevate the playful nature of what's going on? It feels either forcibly playful while masking a deeper thought, or kind of simplifying something more complex. Especially the second verse? I think either the tension needs to be built up more strongly for a release of a solution, or the problem needs to narrowed in scope. Otherwise it feels a little banal? But the little ending line is definitely a good surprise punch.

Hey you   im taking your kind words to heart. You have a good eye for this!