Tomorrow's Day Will Come

[Stancyzk]

And tomorrow's day will come

Amber dawn begins to pale, against the violet sky
Bees whisper through yawning winds
wading through earth and soot 
as nightingales take final flight
   

“Potnia, hear the call, rise again!”

Through chalk and stream

Through vine and grape

Through yolk and fawn

Through fire and ash

Wake all who slumber and guide them.

Bend the trees 

Crack the stone

Scorch the fields 

Freeze the seas

May none defy them.

In barren field a poppy grows
through dried vine and fractured rock
beneath the dying olive tree 
______________________________

And tomorrow’s day will come
.
Charon’ clock guides night to longing rest
ticking through formaldehyde soaked air 
Plastic lights sear the shade against white walls 
where sleepless meet wakeless 
while Lachesis pulls her thread 

Restless bodies pacing through these halls

their steps echo, like water drops in a grotto

In their left hand white tulips, 

metal in their right. 

“Beware, beware! 

They may steal your fate.” 

needle, numb the skin

scalpel, cut the sinew

saw, gnaw the bone

clamp, hold the vein

but,

maligned blood still remains

and tomorrow's day will come

In silent ritual they sit,
pilgrims praying at the altar
of the dying olive tree
______________________________

And tomorrow's day will come

Tearful mist begins to thaw, against the frosted windows
rays pierce through seams 
and scour the floor 
rousing elbow and foot,
upon the marble bed 

The light, it roars in sorrow,

at Hypnus’s cruel deceit, 

within the darkness

hidden

“Carry forth to whence you came 

along the river Lethe!”

And so they stir, as once before

kindled by flame of amber dawn

take flight toward the rising sun

burn away what had once been done 

dust melts to earth, clouds burn to rain

tomorrows day will come again

  
In poppy fields the cool rain pours
which seeps through dirt and bone 
to wet the dying olive tree.

---

Please feel free to be as open and honest with any thoughts and criticisms, I appreciate and welcome all feedback!

[David_Kaine]

And tomorrow's day will come

Amber dawn begins to pale, against the violet sky
Bees whisper through yawning winds
wading through earth and soot      (are the bees wading through the earth?)
as nightingales take final flight
   

“Potnia, hear the call, rise again!”

Through chalk and stream

Through vine and grape

Through yolk and fawn

Through fire and ash

Wake all who slumber and guide them.

Bend the trees 

Crack the stone

Scorch the fields 

Freeze the seas

May none defy them.

In barren field a poppy grows
through dried vine and fractured rock
beneath the dying olive tree 

I like the chant to potnia, but I cant tell if the field was barren before the rhyme, the poppy growing seems like hope of spring but as an opiate...  dried vine is no joy of wine, dying olive tree the end of peace, the nightengales flight
______________________________

And tomorrow’s day will come
.
Charon’ clock guides night to longing rest
ticking through formaldehyde soaked air  (while formaldehyde exists naturally, I dont think the word itself fits the charon/ potnia references)
Plastic lights sear the shade against white walls (same with plastic, i can't imagine where we are)
where sleepless meet wakeless 
while Lachesis pulls her thread   

Restless bodies pacing through these halls

their steps echo, like water drops in a grotto

In their left hand white tulips, 

metal in their right. 

“Beware, beware! 

They may steal your fate.” 

needle, numb the skin

scalpel, cut the sinew

saw, gnaw the bone

clamp, hold the vein

but,

maligned blood still remains

and tomorrow's day will come

In silent ritual they sit,
pilgrims praying at the altar
of the dying olive tree

I really like the structure, intro/ song/ outro, I just wish there was a little more consistency across the intros and outros,  5 lines and 3 lines seems to work, maybe just add one more line to your first intro
______________________________

And tomorrow's day will come

Tearful mist begins to thaw, against the frosted windows (see how this line stands out so much longer than the rest, youre playing with visuals centering and italicizing the 'song' so be more conscious of the visual aspect of the rest.)
rays pierce through seams 
and scour the floor 
rousing elbow and foot,
upon the marble bed (walls and bed and plastic all put me in modern blank rooms, jarring against the nature themes, I dont know where we are)

The light, it roars in sorrow,

at Hypnus’s cruel deceit, 

within the darkness

hidden

“Carry forth to whence you came 

along the river Lethe!”

And so they stir, as once before

kindled by flame of amber dawn

take flight toward the rising sun

burn away what had once been done 

dust melts to earth, clouds burn to rain

tomorrows day will come again

  
In poppy fields the cool rain pours  
which seeps through dirt and bone 
to wet the dying olive tree. 

---

Please feel free to be as open and honest with any thoughts and criticisms, I appreciate and welcome all feedback!

Theres a lot that I do like about this, I dont exactly understand tomorrow's day coming again, tomorrow's day is a little redundant but it makes sense like, day will come again, there's always tomorrow, but the 'again' at the end after saying it again and again seem unnecessary, unless you need the rhyme with rain.

I also wish the format could bring the 'centered' words closer to the center of the poem,  they're so far to the right of my page reader I dont want to connect them.

Anyways I hope this helps, seems ambitious, but I think it could work pretty well

[milo]

And tomorrow's day will come

Amber dawn begins to pale, against the violet sky
Bees whisper through yawning winds
wading through earth and soot 
as nightingales take final flight

For me, the beginning may be the weakest part of the poem.  There is not much more poets can say about dawns and skies though the struggle, I fear, will never end.  The first line could be completely struck and I do not think it would weaken the poem in any way.  I don't quite understand what is "wading through earth and soot" here - the bees?, the winds?  Neither makes much sense

   

“Potnia, hear the call, rise again!”

Through chalk and stream

Through vine and grape

Through yolk and fawn

Through fire and ash

Wake all who slumber and guide them.

Bend the trees 

Crack the stone

Scorch the fields 

Freeze the seas

May none defy them.

So this rallying cry is pretty good to my ears.  i was not familiar with the word, "Potnia", so I googled it - looks like it is an ancient Greek word referring to goddesses. I like pretty much all of the dichotomies and there is probably hours I could spend unpacking each individual one and I am sure I will on successive reads.