Fall's Lament(edit)

[brynmawr1]

It’s too late-
the leaves and you are gone,
no longer living
in summer’s forgotten dream.

The trees’ grey arms still reach-
false bright of blue,
sun’s promise, slips
through spindled fingers.
 
I envy the tender shoots 
deep in soil’s quiet night,
gentle roots cradling
lost blood and bone.
 
I lay my head to rest 
against your stone forever
promising to tend your flowers
with no hope of spring.

It’s too late
the leaves and you are gone
no longer living within summer’s dream
the grey arms of the trees reaching
to finger the false blue of the sky
still promising the heat of the sun.
 
How do I believe I can regrow
when all I can do is lay grieving
buried so deep in the soil
I can’t hope to see the sun?

[busker]

The central idea is there, and the last line lands, but there are too many words.
The sentences are unwieldy and can be pared back

Eg

“the grey arms of the trees reaching
to finger the false blue of the sky
still promising the heat of the sun.“

“Grey arms of trees” is original. But there are too many “thes”
I also don’t get why the trees would finger the sky. The personification seems unnecessary and confusing.

---

“ How do I believe I can regrow
when all I can do is lay grieving
buried so deep in the soil”

is prose.
So yes, defo a pome worth workshopping

[brynmawr1]

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The central idea is there, and the last line lands, but there are too many words.
The sentences are unwieldy and can be pared back

Eg

“the grey arms of the trees reaching
to finger the false blue of the sky
still promising the heat of the sun.“

“Grey arms of trees” is original. But there are too many “thes”
I also don’t get why the trees would finger the sky. The personification seems unnecessary and confusing.

---

“ How do I believe I can regrow
when all I can do is lay grieving
buried so deep in the soil”

is prose.
So yes, defo a pome worth workshopping

Thanks Busker.
I wrote this as a one off on a whim, but I might stick with it to see where it might go.  I quite liked it.  Why barren trees finger the sky, I don't know.  You'd have to ask the trees.  I just report what I see.
Thanks again,
Bryn

[tweetywrites]

Hi! I’m newer to giving critique, but one suggestion that stood out to me is that the ending might feel even stronger if the feeling of regret were implied rather than stated directly. An image or moment that lets the emotion emerge on its own could resonate stronger

[whisperer]

I love this! Your direct and indirect comparison of losing summer to fall to the losing of a love. Beautiful! I even enjoyed the image of barren trees reaching desperately hungry for the promised warmth. The reflective ending is a little too prose for the rest of the piece. Bring that same imagery into the ending and drop some of the cliche language and you have something. Can't wait to see the edit. Thanks for sharing.

[brynmawr1]

bump

[busker]

I find the rewrite significantly weaker than the original.
The original had a few weak spots, but had a spare, terse quality. I don’t think it needed a major recasting, just a little pruning round the edges. Two strophes were also the right length.

The edit has too much cliched telling, with its “tender shoots” and “blood and bone” and “forgotten dream”.

Maybe cutting down from the original, using some enjambment, full stops instead of commas - that sort of thing might work better

[whisperer]

Still loving this! Especially the extra alliterations in the newly expanded second stanza. Still loving the imagery and wording and pace. Great third stanza. Love the feelings of envy for plants and shoots. Not entirely sold on the last line, though. It doesn't fit with the beauty of the rest piece. Your ending falls a little flat. Too much telling, maybe. This is how I would write it (if I had written it) 

I lay my head 
against your forever stone.
I promise to tend to your flowers
while holding hope for spring.

I love where this is going and what you're building this up to. Looking forward to more renditions. Thanks for sharing.