A Way Into Their World

[jeffnc]

So this is the first poem I've written (and I'm kind of on the old side).  It was just a couple thoughts I had for something I'm passionate about, and my girlfriend wanted to hear them, so I promised I'd write it out.  And frankly, other than a couple rhymes bouncing around my noggin, I found this to be more work than fun    But even so, I want to at least put something together, and I have a few questions.

- I'm not going to say what it's about exactly, because that's my first question.  Is it too hard to understand what I'm talking about?
- If not, should I care?  Maybe I should only share it with people who already know what it's about, and they will appreciate being "in the know".  Then again, they might simply think it sucks and that would backfire.
- I'm only speaking to the reader in the first stanza, where I'm talking about my "friend". For the rest, I'm talking to my "friend".  Does this become clear?
- Is this even an OK thing to do in poetry, or is it just confusing?  Is there a name for that kind of switch?
- In the second stanza, would it make more sense to put the question mark at the end of the fifth line instead of the fourth?

Any other comments welcome - yer not gonna hurt my feelings (it's not like I aspire to be a poet.)


I know of a way into their world
Of reflective ceiling and cobbled floor
With arcing angle and line unfurled
Crouching and purling to implore
  my furtive feral friend

  ...looping, lifting, mending

The meniscus warps like melting glass
What do you see? How do you choose?
An image flows within your grasp
Will you accept a feathered ruse?
  my finicky feline friend

  ...falling, floating, wending

A jolt of ancient energy
Courses on a fragile thread
A brief communion - you and me
As you twist down toward your bed
  my fleet and flashing friend

  ...pulling, pulsing, bending

As tensions ease, the woods exhale
A hush ripples through the dell
I drink the scene, then find the trail
Until I venture back - fare well
  my finny fickle friend

[RichardBosten]

I am new to all this my self and on the older side as well. You have a tremendous vocabulary !! Very strong imagery going on in this poem. I come away with an image of a cautiously playful cat . I can almost see the cat deciding whether or not to pounce on the "feathered ruse" . I like that it flows in order and concludes with farewell until the next time . It has a good sense of movement and a strong conclusion. I Really enjoyed it. I also like how you broke up the rhythm with actions that help paint a mental picture .
I'm sorry I can not find anything to offer in terms of critique . It seems really good to me.

[jeffnc]

I can almost see the cat deciding whether or not to pounce on the "feathered ruse". 

Thanks for your comments.  You know, it actually occurred to me after I wrote it, that it could be interpreted that way, because in hindsight that makes sense.  It's not about a cat though, just something I feel shares some qualities :

[busker]

So this is the first poem I've written (and I'm kind of on the old side).  It was just a couple thoughts I had for something I'm passionate about, and my girlfriend wanted to hear them, so I promised I'd write it out.  And frankly, other than a couple rhymes bouncing around my noggin, I found this to be more work than fun    But even so, I want to at least put something together, and I have a few questions.

- I'm not going to say what it's about exactly, because that's my first question.  Is it too hard to understand what I'm talking about? ... that's fine, you shouldn't have to 'explain' a poem
- If not, should I care?  Maybe I should only share it with people who already know what it's about, and they will appreciate being "in the know".  Then again, they might simply think it sucks and that would backfire.  ... obviously, if there's an inside joke involved it's different. But a poem should make sense to the reasonably intelligent
- I'm only speaking to the reader in the first stanza, where I'm talking about my "friend". For the rest, I'm talking to my "friend".  Does this become clear?  .... it's clear, but it's the sort of inconsistency that you'd ideally want to avoid. It comes off as sloppy.
- Is this even an OK thing to do in poetry, or is it just confusing?  Is there a name for that kind of switch?  ... poetry follows the same rules as regular speech. So while it's clear from the text that you're addressing the subject directly from S2 onwards, it also smacks of a cop out
- In the second stanza, would it make more sense to put the question mark at the end of the fifth line instead of the fourth?
... I think so, otherwise the last line is left hanging
Any other comments welcome - yer not gonna hurt my feelings (it's not like I aspire to be a poet.)
... see below

I know of a way into their world
Of reflective ceiling and cobbled floor
With arcing angle and line unfurled  ... punctuation needed, otherwise the sentence starts to unravel before this point.
Crouching and purling to implore  ... the fish's world a stream which might purl, but how can it crouch?
  my furtive feral friend

  ...looping, lifting, mending  

The meniscus warps like melting glass
What do you see? How do you choose?
An image flows within your grasp
Will you accept a feathered ruse?
  my finicky feline friend  ... your friend, from the rest of the poem, is a fish. So why 'feline'?

  ...falling, floating, wending

A jolt of ancient energy
Courses on a fragile thread
A brief communion - you and me
As you twist down toward your bed
  my fleet and flashing friend

  ...pulling, pulsing, bending

As tensions ease, the woods exhale
A hush ripples through the dell
I drink the scene, then find the trail
Until I venture back - fare well
  my finny fickle friend  .

Hi Jeff - this is a nice one. Could work on a few points as above

[themanofmanyways]

It definitely feels like you are talking about a cat. I am getting playful, active capricious vibes associated with felids. The word "feline" also points to this. That aside I think the poem has a nice musicality to it. The three word interruptions (e.g. ...looping, lifting, mending) do not make much sense to me though. I am unsure what they are referring to.

[evanbedford_dot_com]

I like it! I don't know what you're talking about, but as I read it, both the meter and rhyme work like a charm. The only hiccup for me was where the word "ripples" seems to mess up the meter. But as a fellow "old fart" I feel we have a kinship in terms of our predilection for rhyme and meter.

As Busker notes, there is confusion about cat vs fish. So don't be afraid to be more forthright. After all, The Duel by Eugene Field (featuring a couple of domestic critters) lets even children immediately know what's going on. And his poem has lasted for well over a century.

[NicLeb]

So this is the first poem I've written (and I'm kind of on the old side).  It was just a couple thoughts I had for something I'm passionate about, and my girlfriend wanted to hear them, so I promised I'd write it out.  And frankly, other than a couple rhymes bouncing around my noggin, I found this to be more work than fun    But even so, I want to at least put something together, and I have a few questions.

- I'm not going to say what it's about exactly, because that's my first question.  Is it too hard to understand what I'm talking about?
- If not, should I care?  Maybe I should only share it with people who already know what it's about, and they will appreciate being "in the know".  Then again, they might simply think it sucks and that would backfire.
- I'm only speaking to the reader in the first stanza, where I'm talking about my "friend". For the rest, I'm talking to my "friend".  Does this become clear?
- Is this even an OK thing to do in poetry, or is it just confusing?  Is there a name for that kind of switch?
- In the second stanza, would it make more sense to put the question mark at the end of the fifth line instead of the fourth?

Any other comments welcome - yer not gonna hurt my feelings (it's not like I aspire to be a poet.)


I know of a way into their world
Of reflective ceiling and cobbled floor
With arcing angle and line unfurled
Crouching and purling to implore (purling as in knitting? not sure the connection to the rest here)
  my furtive feral friend

  ...looping, lifting, mending  (I like the feel and sound of these breaking words, but don't really see how they necessarily join the rest of the poem in meaning.)

The meniscus warps like melting glass
What do you see? How do you choose?
An image flows within your grasp
Will you accept a feathered ruse?
  my finicky feline friend

  ...falling, floating, wending

A jolt of ancient energy
Courses on a fragile thread
A brief communion - you and me
As you twist down toward your bed
  my fleet and flashing friend (Unsure how fleet is used here, as I can't see the connection to it's definition)

  ...pulling, pulsing, bending

As tensions ease, the woods exhale
A hush ripples through the dell
I drink the scene, then find the trail
Until I venture back - fare well
  my finny fickle friend

I liked the rhythmic nature and form of the poem, and I too had the image of a cat in mind after reading. A few words seemed to be used not in line with their definition, so the meaning wasn't clear for me. I enjoyed reading it.