In His Name, I am None

[Mostly Holy]

"In His Name, I am None"

I begged aloud to empty air
for any sign that He was there,
Until at last His heat I felt;
It shocked me silent as I knelt.
Away I ran, a frightened bride;
He found my vows on altar-sides.
Upon Himself He placed my blame,
Disrobed me of my long-learnt shame.

He spoke
His silence split me wide
as floods of flame erased my pride;
His voice drowned each breath I drew,
His eyes the dark I vanished through.
My hope and fear became my pyre;
God tastes Himself within my fire.
My mirror melts inside its frame
and I am lost
inside His name.

No more the bride,
No more the groom.
No more the voice,
No more the tomb.
All hunger spent,
All borders gone,
The fire remains
and I am none.

---

---

I have worked on this one on and off for yonks, but I cannot get it to sing. The middle stanza especially eludes me, I cannot get the delirious, desperate, ecstatic voice it needs. Any suggestions about this or thoughts about any of it would be very welcome ::pray::

[MidaPoems]

It’s fairly compressed, from what I see. I’d recommend splitting some parts up. For example repetition one - white space - repetition 2. It’ll make it easier to read and can help with how emotional it may be read as. What I’d do in the repetitions maybe lose the “the” in some repetitions. It can help with focus and mental fatigue.

The middle stanza could become
Widely split
By overwhelming silence.
Floods of flame,
Erasing pride


His voice … drowning,
As if breath had been -
Taken away.


His eyes empty,
As if swallowing me whole
To vanish within.


Hope, fear
My pyre.


God tasted my fire,
To taste himself.


The glass mirror,
Liquified, the frame stands.
Standing taller than I could.

I’m lost
Inside his name,
Meaningless meaning
Was bron.

This is a slight rework focused on shortening lines yet still carrying the meaning you meant. It is just meant to give an outlook what it could be instead of what is. The section is dense. Sometimes the densest poems are just a few lines.

Overal it’s a solid piece, i gave you all the tips I have. And good look writing on.

[Mostly Holy]

Those are some bold ideas, thank you so much! Breaking it up could work, perhaps into three for thematic purposes. I will have a good think about it.

[MidaPoems]

No problem, keep me up to date.

I just split it all up for easier interpretation of the lines itself.

[busker]

"In His Name, I am None"

I begged aloud to empty air
for any sign that He was there,
Until at last His heat I felt;
It shocked me silent as I knelt.  ... the lines are too regular, the rhymes too predictable. Overall impression: forced.
Away I ran, a frightened bride;
He found my vows on altar-sides.  ... forced rhyme again
Upon Himself He placed my blame,
Disrobed me of my long-learnt shame. ... and again

He spoke
His silence split me wide
as floods of flame erased my pride;  ... cliched, forced rhymes
His voice drowned each breath I drew,
His eyes the dark I vanished through.
My hope and fear became my pyre;
God tastes Himself within my fire.
My mirror melts inside its frame
and I am lost
inside His name.

No more the bride,
No more the groom.
No more the voice,
No more the tomb.  ... prose
All hunger spent,
All borders gone,
The fire remains
and I am none.

---

---

I have worked on this one on and off for yonks, but I cannot get it to sing. The middle stanza especially eludes me, I cannot get the delirious, desperate, ecstatic voice it needs. Any suggestions about this or thoughts about any of it would be very welcome ::pray::

Hi Mostly - I think you need to get away from 'trying to write a poem' and let the poem come to you. Nothing in here feels genuine. Rather, it feels as if you've got an idea for a poem on a certain topic, and you're trying to find the rhymes and lines necessary to make it happen. That's not the way you can get a poem to 'sing'. There isn't a lot of suggestions for improvement that I can give, because almost every line is forced and cliched. Perhaps you'd need to start afresh on this one.