Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
The judge is always
distracted by butterflies
flitting throughout his court
and his victims all plea
regarding his insanity
Posts: 697
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hey semi slicer-
I really like the first two lines, but the rhymes that follow are long stretches for a short piece.
Throwing stuff up to see if it sticks is fine, but this one bounced right off.
… Mark
Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
(04-29-2022, 06:05 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hey semi slicer-
I really like the first two lines, but the rhymes that follow are long stretches for a short piece.
Throwing stuff up to see if it sticks is fine, but this one bounced right off.
… Mark
Thanks for the critique,
I have adjusted accordingly.
(:
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Semicircle,
The first part is not too bad, but I think you could do without the last to lines and for especially the last line makes no sense. Instead of
"of his insanity"
"regarding his insanity"
I think it smooths out the line.
I like the double entendre with the butterfly.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.