Cut Dawn

[dukealien]

Cut Dawn


Wounded sky seeps red
on slit silk cloud-kimono
sun-slain night expires.

Too much metaphor for a real haiku.  But, you know, we always talk about day dying in the west and maybe a little about nightfall - let's have a little sympathy for night dying in the east, OK?  It's pretty, too.

[Tiger the Lion]

Cut Dawn


Wounded sky seeps red
on slit silk cloud-kimono
sun-slain night expires.

Too much metaphor for a real haiku.  But, you know, we always talk about day dying in the west and maybe a little about nightfall - let's have a little sympathy for night dying in the east, OK?  It's pretty, too.

Very well done. There's no rule that says you can't write a great short form poem resembling a haiku. Plus, I think I mentioned in one of my own posts that it takes a certain restraint not to overpack a haiku- doesn't mean an overpacked haiku isn't a successful short poem. Seep, slit and slain are all great words. If I had anything to offer it would be that expires is somewhat redundant after slain. Even then, didn't notice it till the 3rd or 4th read. Thumbs up from me.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey d.alien-

Short poems are so very difficult to offer constructive critique, especially when so well done, like this one.  Each word carries so much weight; heck, even punctuation.  I like the sliciing of the "S" sounds in this one- very effective. 

Cut Dawn not a fan of titles for haiku

Wounded sky seeps red great opening line!
on slit silk cloud-kimono bit of a tongue twister, but cool image
sun-slain night expires. not sure of this ending. It's preceded by such strong images  


A suggestion:

Wounded sky seeps red
on slit silk cloud-kimono-
sun-slain night bleeds dawn.

[busker]

I like the overall idea, but can't help but ask - why is it that it is the sky that is wounded, but the night that is slain? It's the sort of loose thread that sticks out more prominently in the short form.

---

But I did like the image of blood seeping out of an expiring night into a cloud-streaked dawn sky.