First Edit: Natural Temptation

[Richard]

Natural Temptation

I promised to hold your hand until the end,
both of us entering a dark forest:
birches clothed in moonlight,
their shine angelic, until
clouds dim the pines,
dark as your saddest dress.

Soon, I'll have to carry you to the other side,
my steps will count as two, but no one
keeps a ledger of such things;
the same is true for the number of times
I've considered letting go.

Original:
Natural Temptation

I promised to hold your hand until the end,
both of us entering a dark forest:
birches wearing moonlight,
their shine angelic, mesmerizing,
until clouds turn pines dark
as your saddest dress.

Soon, I'll have to carry you,
as we approach the other side,
my steps will count as two, but no one
keeps a ledger for such things;
the same is true for the number of times
I've considered letting go of you.

From NaPM

[Todd]

Hi Richard, it has some nice emotional beats in it. 

This is more opinion on my part than a catalog of flaws. So, take it in that tone.

Natural Temptation --Good Title because it highlights the tension of a moral crossroads.

I promised to hold your hand until the end,--This is a good opening line. I wonder though about its structure compared to the first line of S2. I feel like there has to be something in S2 that has that "until the end" addition to it. "Soon, I'll have to carry you," would be like breaking this line after "hand". I think you need to condense the idea in S22/L2 into a closing phrase tacked on to the end of S2/L1 to maintain the structure--if that at all makes sense.
both of us entering a dark forest:
birches wearing moonlight,--This is the start of a nice image. I think though that "wearing" is a bit mundane to set the tone your working toward.
their shine angelic, mesmerizing,--If they are wearing it, think of the trees as runway models have the movement display the shine. Build another layer onto this perhaps. I don't think you need mesmerizing. That's more of a conclusion and draws us out of the image. I would consider ending the line with "until" to hold the tension for a breath.
until clouds turn pines dark --This is a good idea but slightly heighten the language. I'm not a fan of "turn" as it's used here.
as your saddest dress.--lovely, poignant line.

Soon, I'll have to carry you,--To the earlier point on this. I could see: "Soon, I'll have to carry you to the other side,"
as we approach the other side,
my steps will count as two, but no one
keeps a ledger for such things;--I like this line. I've experimented with ways to end on it but am not happy with them. These last two lines though read very true to me.
the same is true for the number of times
I've considered letting go of you.


From NaPM

Like I said, I do like this. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[Knot]

Hi Richard

Natural Temptation
- Not a fan of this, perhaps
'until the end' or something
that evokes the 'dark forest'?

I promised to hold your hand until the end,
both of us entering a dark forest:
- perhaps 'as we' for 'both of us' ?
'the dark forest' ?
birches wearing moonlight,
- excellent line.
their shine angelic, mesmerizing,
until clouds turn pines dark
- perhaps 'the pines' ?
and 'black' for 'dark' ?
as your saddest dress.

Soon, I'll have to carry you,
as we approach the other side,
[and] my steps will count as two,
but no one keeps a ledger for such things;
- 'ledger of such' (to avoid repetition of 'for')
alternatively,
keeps such things in a ledger ?
the same is true for the number of times
I've considered letting go of you.
- terrific ending.
Slight nit with S2 is the number of /oo/ sounds.
(soon/you/two/true/you)


Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Todd and Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. It seems like the feelings I was hoping to express here came through. I just need to give some of the wording and line structure some thought, which I definitely will. You both gave me things to think about when I do an edit of this piece.

Greatly appreciated,
Richard

[Ryan_w_r]

I feel I need to preface my comments by saying I don’t know what I’m talking about.. but, I truly enjoyed this. I felt sadness and burden in this piece. Not a burden you weren’t willing to bare but acknowledgement of something not being right but you will carry on regardless. It feels like being in a relationship with someone that struggles with depression. Again.. I’m a dummy but a dummy that you made feel something. Thank you.

[Richard]

Hey Ryan,
Thanks for the feedback. I like your interpretation of this piece.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I've tried to find a balance in what was suggested in the feedback here. Hopefully, I'm going in the right direction.

Cheers,
Richard

[Knot]

Hey Richard.

Improved, but...I don't think it flows as well
as it should (more so in S1 than S2),
with the contrast between the short 'fragment's
and the longer sentences being a distraction,
rather than a help.

I promised to hold your hand until the end,
both of us entering a dark forest:
perhaps something like
now both of us are entering...
birches clothed in moonlight,
their shine angelic, until
I think you could cut 'until'
(though the whole line
doesn't add much to the
previous one - an additional
element of the forest would
be better, I think. Perhaps
describe the path itself?)
clouds dim the pines,
dark as your saddest dress.
you've still got the repetition of 'dark'.

Soon, I'll have to carry you to the other side,
my steps will count as two, but no one
perhaps;
each of my steps will count...
(the you/two rhyme is a bit strong, I think)
keeps a ledger of such things;
the same is true for the number of times
? nor do they know the number... ?
I've considered letting go.


Just a thought about the title, 'Burden(s)' ?
(as Ryan noted)

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. You made some good points about the wording. I think I might let this sit for a bit before attempting another edit.

Thanks again,
Richard