1-18-18

[Tiger the Lion]

January wind
in every crack and crevice 
we let between us

[ellajam]

This works well for me, bitter cold and scary, the last line an eyeopener, full of both the movement of time and responsibility.

One point you might think about: "in" may be a little weak, there may be a word to describe the wind's effect better but for me the poem as is is satisfying and complete.

Good morning, , thanks for posting it.

January wind
in every crack and crevice 
we let between us

[Tiger the Lion]

This works well for me, bitter cold and scary, the last line an eyeopener, full of both the movement of time and responsibility.

One point you might think about: "in" may be a little weak, there may be a word to describe the wind's effect better but for me the poem as is is satisfying and complete.

Good morning, , thanks for posting it.

January wind
in every crack and crevice 
we let between us

Thanks Ella, and good morning. I had originally considered "finds" or "fills" in place of "in". I felt like "in" implied the action more subtly, It's already a departure from 'standard haiku'. I decided too much action took it further away.
Paul

[just mercedes]

Hi Tiger - I like this yet something about the 'let' feels too passive for the image. For me. I do like the hard 'c's that sound like a break. I've been playing with ...in every crevice / that cracked between us ... or something like that

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Tiger - I like this yet something about the 'let' feels too passive for the image. For me. I do like the hard 'c's that sound like a break. I've been playing with ...in every crevice / that cracked between us ... or something like that

Appreciate the input Merc. My answer to "let" would be very similar to my answer for "in" except... I think "let" can be a rather powerful verb if used prudently. Passive yes, weak? Not necessarily.

**quick edit- "allow" might be slightly stronger but it messes with the syllable count, which is why I generally don't write 5-7-5.