Angels Tossed Last Christmas

[nibbed]

Angels Tossed Last Christmas

                                                                        
I zipped away on Bumpy Snow Road forever leaving behind a ruthless seam ripper to my soul. One I often defended, both to myself and anyone else who mattered, keeping offspring secrets from her peachy ears, to protect her from fainting. I tossed the cheap plastic idols she gave me (shaped from prisms, as cherubs). Rolled my eyes, unstuck my frozen window, pitching them hard into a snowbank on the left side of Perilous Road. Several trees swatted by as I waited for a clearing, finding a berm covered high in a plow's rubble and fluff.

I whipped them separately, the fat one with a bendable halo first, then the simpler one that hung from a loop made of golden thread. I worried at first she might somehow see them on her way to market the next day, imagined what she would think, then I realized the impossibility of crystal found among a gazillion diamonds. I was sad at the thought of Spring thaw, if her own tires might bury them, castaway, in ruts of thickened mud, the same way she buried me.





                                                                               





Angels Tossed Last Christmas


I zipped away on Bumpy Snow Road forever leaving behind someone who hurt my soul, a person I often defended to myself and others, keeping painful family secrets from her, to protect her from fainting. I tossed away the cheap plastic idols she gave me that day (shaped as crystal cherubs). Rolled my eyes and window down all the way and pitched them hard into a snowbank on the left side of Perilous Road, the road I took that day to meet her. I worried at first she might somehow see them on her way to market the next day, but decided not to care, as I wondered about Spring thaw, if her own tires would bury them in ruts of thickened mud, the same way she buried me.



Tossed at Christmas


I zipped away 
on Bumpy Snow Road
forever leaving behind
someone who hurt my soul;

a person 
I often defended
to myself and others,
keeping painful family secrets,
to protect her from fainting.

I tossed away the cheap plastic idols 
she gave me (shaped as cherubs)
hard into a snowbank
on the side of Perilous Road,
racing miles away
from her living.

I have often wondered
if in the thaw
her own tires buried them
in ruts of thickened mud,

the same way
she buried me.






ORIGINAL

Sometime Last Christmas


I zipped away 
on Bumpy Snow Road
forever leaving behind
someone who hurt my soul;

once love 
I had defended,
kept family secrets,
protected her
from fainting.

I tossed away
the cheap plastic crystal idols 
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.

I wondered if in the thaw
her own tires
would bury them
in thick mud,

the same way
she buried me.

[Knot]

Hi Nibbed
I like the emotion in the piece but I don't think it's as sharp (perhaps 'pointed') as it could be.
The opening two stanzas don't do very much, and, given N's pain having 'sometime' in the title doesn't really work.
It seems unlikely that N would forget exactly when these events happened.
So, with your permission, I'll start at S3.

I tossed away the cheap plastic crystal idols
This, I think, makes for a strong opening
Either 'plastic' or 'crystal', not both.
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
It feels like 'angels' are just included because of 'snowbank',does their shape really matter?
Also, 'idols' is a much more evocative term and 'angels' undercuts it.
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.
Not too sure about 'a mile' (just doesn't seem far enough as a gesture', nor 'living'.
I think there's a conversational quality to the piece that you could pursue.
Just a suggestion.
I tossed them away,
those cheap plastic idols
she gave me. Threw them
hard into a snowbank
on the other side of the road
as I raced away from her.
- This way you might leave the reader to fill in the blanks of the 'betrayal'.

I wondered if in the thaw
I think this verse should be present tense looking forward.
her own tires
would bury them
all of a sudden it's 'them'. Though, to be honest, I can't tell if it's a problem or not.
It does increase the possibilities, which may be all to the good.
And of course you could always change 'her' to 'them' in L16
in thick mud,
Emotionally, I would imagine that N have a bit more to say about the 'mud'
the same way
she buried me.
Punchy, yet ambiguous ending, nice.

Best, Knot.

[71degrees]

Sometime Last Christmas


I zipped away 
on Bumpy Snow Road
forever leaving behind
someone who hurt my soul;

once love 
I had defended,
kept family secrets,
protected her
from fainting.

I tossed away
the cheap plastic crystal idols 
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.

I wondered if in the thaw
her own tires
would bury them
in thick mud,

the same way
she buried me.

Something went askew. You zipped and raced away. You're never going back. This is pretty much prose with line breaks and might be better served that way. Think about it.

[nibbed]

Hi Nibbed
I like the emotion in the piece but I don't think it's as sharp (perhaps 'pointed') as it could be.
The opening two stanzas don't do very much, and, given N's pain having 'sometime' in the title doesn't really work.
It seems unlikely that N would forget exactly when these events happened.
So, with your permission, I'll start at S3.

I tossed away the cheap plastic crystal idols
This, I think, makes for a strong opening
Either 'plastic' or 'crystal', not both.
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
It feels like 'angels' are just included because of 'snowbank',does their shape really matter?
Also, 'idols' is a much more evocative term and 'angels' undercuts it.
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.
Not too sure about 'a mile' (just doesn't seem far enough as a gesture', nor 'living'.
I think there's a conversational quality to the piece that you could pursue.
Just a suggestion.
I tossed them away,
those cheap plastic idols
she gave me. Threw them
hard into a snowbank
on the other side of the road
as I raced away from her.
- This way you might leave the reader to fill in the blanks of the 'betrayal'.

I wondered if in the thaw
I think this verse should be present tense looking forward.
her own tires
would bury them
all of a sudden it's 'them'. Though, to be honest, I can't tell if it's a problem or not.
It does increase the possibilities, which may be all to the good.
And of course you could always change 'her' to 'them' in L16
in thick mud,
Emotionally, I would imagine that N have a bit more to say about the 'mud'
the same way
she buried me.
Punchy, yet ambiguous ending, nice.

Best, Knot.

Hello Knot

Thank you for the critique on my poem. I was wondering if I should choose plastic or crystal, too.
Yes, there is much to be said about the mud, it could be more descriptive. The title needs to be
cleaned up for sure!

all the best to you

nibbed

---

Sometime Last Christmas


I zipped away 
on Bumpy Snow Road
forever leaving behind
someone who hurt my soul;

once love 
I had defended,
kept family secrets,
protected her
from fainting.

I tossed away
the cheap plastic crystal idols 
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.

I wondered if in the thaw
her own tires
would bury them
in thick mud,

the same way
she buried me.

Something went askew. You zipped and raced away. You're never going back. This is pretty much prose with line breaks and might be better served that way.  Think about it.

Thank you 71 degrees
I really do better at prose
if it is a bit longer more descriptive of a piece.
I will certainly consider it after my first revision, though,
because it makes perfect sense.

Thank you kindly!

-nibbed

[71degrees]

Hi Nibbed
I like the emotion in the piece but I don't think it's as sharp (perhaps 'pointed') as it could be.
The opening two stanzas don't do very much, and, given N's pain having 'sometime' in the title doesn't really work.
It seems unlikely that N would forget exactly when these events happened.
So, with your permission, I'll start at S3.

I tossed away the cheap plastic crystal idols
This, I think, makes for a strong opening
Either 'plastic' or 'crystal', not both.
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
It feels like 'angels' are just included because of 'snowbank',does their shape really matter?
Also, 'idols' is a much more evocative term and 'angels' undercuts it.
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.
Not too sure about 'a mile' (just doesn't seem far enough as a gesture', nor 'living'.
I think there's a conversational quality to the piece that you could pursue.
Just a suggestion.
I tossed them away,
those cheap plastic idols
she gave me. Threw them
hard into a snowbank
on the other side of the road
as I raced away from her.
- This way you might leave the reader to fill in the blanks of the 'betrayal'.

I wondered if in the thaw
I think this verse should be present tense looking forward.
her own tires
would bury them
all of a sudden it's 'them'. Though, to be honest, I can't tell if it's a problem or not.
It does increase the possibilities, which may be all to the good.
And of course you could always change 'her' to 'them' in L16
in thick mud,
Emotionally, I would imagine that N have a bit more to say about the 'mud'
the same way
she buried me.
Punchy, yet ambiguous ending, nice.

Best, Knot.

Hello Knot

Thank you for the critique on my poem. I was wondering if I should choose plastic or crystal, too.
Yes, there is much to be said about the mud, it could be more descriptive. The title needs to be
cleaned up for sure!

all the best to you

nibbed

---

Sometime Last Christmas


I zipped away 
on Bumpy Snow Road
forever leaving behind
someone who hurt my soul;

once love 
I had defended,
kept family secrets,
protected her
from fainting.

I tossed away
the cheap plastic crystal idols 
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.

I wondered if in the thaw
her own tires
would bury them
in thick mud,

the same way
she buried me.

Something went askew. You zipped and raced away. You're never going back. This is pretty much prose with line breaks and might be better served that way.  Think about it.

Thank you 71 degrees
I really do better at prose
if it is a bit longer more descriptive of a piece.
I will certainly consider it after my first revision, though,
because it makes perfect sense.

Thank you kindly!

-nibbed

I looked hard and couldn't find a simile. Nary a metaphor. There's no alliteration...no personification. Figurative language is at a minimum. (maybe: "forever leaving behind..." or "...she buried me" might qualify here).

To my ear, this poem is telling a story, not showing me a story. I don't dislike it...it's just I need to be shown why I should care about the person in this poem. And if not, it might be more easily accomplished in prose form.

I happen to like "place" poetry (e.g. Bumpy Snowy Road) but I want to know why you took me there. What are you trying to show me? For instance, what exactly are "family secrets?" I'd like to know...but you never say.

[nibbed]

Hi Nibbed
I like the emotion in the piece but I don't think it's as sharp (perhaps 'pointed') as it could be.
The opening two stanzas don't do very much, and, given N's pain having 'sometime' in the title doesn't really work.
It seems unlikely that N would forget exactly when these events happened.
So, with your permission, I'll start at S3.

I tossed away the cheap plastic crystal idols
This, I think, makes for a strong opening
Either 'plastic' or 'crystal', not both.
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
It feels like 'angels' are just included because of 'snowbank',does their shape really matter?
Also, 'idols' is a much more evocative term and 'angels' undercuts it.
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.
Not too sure about 'a mile' (just doesn't seem far enough as a gesture', nor 'living'.
I think there's a conversational quality to the piece that you could pursue.
Just a suggestion.
I tossed them away,
those cheap plastic idols
she gave me. Threw them
hard into a snowbank
on the other side of the road
as I raced away from her.
- This way you might leave the reader to fill in the blanks of the 'betrayal'.

I wondered if in the thaw
I think this verse should be present tense looking forward.
her own tires
would bury them
all of a sudden it's 'them'. Though, to be honest, I can't tell if it's a problem or not.
It does increase the possibilities, which may be all to the good.
And of course you could always change 'her' to 'them' in L16
in thick mud,
Emotionally, I would imagine that N have a bit more to say about the 'mud'
the same way
she buried me.
Punchy, yet ambiguous ending, nice.

Best, Knot.

Hello Knot

Thank you for the critique on my poem. I was wondering if I should choose plastic or crystal, too.
Yes, there is much to be said about the mud, it could be more descriptive. The title needs to be
cleaned up for sure!

all the best to you

nibbed

---

Something went askew. You zipped and raced away. You're never going back. This is pretty much prose with line breaks and might be better served that way.  Think about it.

Thank you 71 degrees
I really do better at prose
if it is a bit longer more descriptive of a piece.
I will certainly consider it after my first revision, though,
because it makes perfect sense.

Thank you kindly!

-nibbed

I looked hard and couldn't find a simile. Nary a metaphor.  There's no alliteration...no personification. Figurative language is at a minimum. (maybe: "forever leaving behind..." or "...she buried me" might qualify here).

To my ear, this poem is telling a story, not showing me a story.  I don't dislike it...it's just I need to be shown why I should care about the person in this poem.  And if not, it might be more easily accomplished in prose form.  

I happen to like "place" poetry (e.g. Bumpy Snowy Road) but I want to know why you took me there.  What are you trying to show me?   For instance, what exactly are "family secrets?"  I'd like to know...but you never say.

thank you 71 degrees.
I will try to put it in prose form now,
as for the secrets, well, they will remain, secrets.

-nibbed

[Achebe]

Hello nibbed. This is prose, not a prose poem.
A prose poem is still a poem: it needs to be about showing rather than telling.
It’s harder to write a prose poem because the cadence has to be managed without the device of line breaks.
A great example of a prose poem: https://earthpoemanthology.wordpress.com...dead-seal/

---

In particular look at the richness of imagery in the example above:

And the seal’s skin looks like an old over coat, scratched here and there — by sharp mussel shells maybe.

[nibbed]

Hello nibbed. This is prose, not a prose poem.
A prose poem is still a poem: it needs to be about showing rather than telling.
It’s harder to write a prose poem because the cadence has to be managed without the device of line breaks.
A great example of a prose poem: https://earthpoemanthology.wordpress.com...dead-seal/

---

In particular look at the richness of imagery in the example above:

And the seal’s skin looks like an old over coat, scratched here and there — by sharp mussel shells maybe.

Thank you, Achebe. That is an excellent example. I am a smidgen learning disabled and wasn't grasping completely what 71 degrees was trying to say. That poem really helped me to understand why mine didn't seem to be working, poetically. I needed either the line breaks or be more descriptive, with cadence, to make a poem. The poem you suggested seems like a wonderful recording of observation done very poetically and cleverly. Thank you!

-nibbed

[vagabond]

hello nibbed..
i think your message is strong.
you could write "you" instead of "someone who hurt my soul", this fact comes out clear enough in the poem.
see where it takes you when you adress "her" directly.

i´d strip"painful family.." from "secrets" , since they´re supposed to remain secrets there´s no need to specify, or maybe rather no way to specify.
i love the line "to protect her from fainting".

the cheap plastic idols seem a meta for something that needs to be rejected, maybe her views on.. for you to know what.
maybe you don´t really need "she gave me that day" as i´d assume there are more of them idols because you write the subject was buried..
so.. all these suggestions could be crap cos they only fit the way i ve read your poem.

[Achebe]

I like “ruts of thickened mud” - it’s a strong sensory image
You need to have a few more of those in the poem instead of generalities like “hurt my soul”
If you do that, then it’ll improve the poem greatly

[nibbed]

Thanks vagabond & achebe!
I hope to try harder and make the poem better.
Hope to see where this will go soon!

-nibbed