May II - edit

[dukealien]

May II

Purple Robe Tree bough
that my cap brushed in passing
showers face with scent.

Tiny-flowered bough
brushed by my cap in passing
showers face with scent.

[No-bump edit to L2]

[ellajam]

May II


Tiny-flowered bough
brushed by my cap in passing
showers face with scent.

You might cut "by", it seems wrong as your cap is moving along, not the bough (even if it's windy ). The last line doesn't do it for me; it's too general, I can't catch the scent, maybe just "lilac" or whatever it is, or something saying you can't place it if you can't.

[dukealien]

May II

edit1;

Purple Robe Tree bough
that my cap brushed in passing
showers face with scent.

---

@ellajam - Thanks for the read and suggestions.  I *think* I may have the tree identified correctly, and the ambiguity is shuffled out of L2; perhaps the PRT's known lilac scent will serve as a suggestion for L3.  Considered "limb" for "bough" but it causes odd images.

Not sure expanding to the full 17 has improved the original thumbnail non-haiku:

Flowering branch
brushed by head in passing
showers with scent.

which strikes me as how a bald translation of a (much better) haiku might come out.  More in-the-moment?

No-bump edit to L2.