Fourth Edit: The Loneliest Feeling

[Richard]

Fourth Edit:

The Loneliest Feeling

I feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent:
fear, rage and self-loathing
inhibit my eyes.

I ask myself why,
the only answer is nowhere.

I look desperately toward
a future, measured numerically
by those who kiss their wives before bed,
tell their children
the world is fair,
and refuse to look me in my eyes.

The dream ends.

I lie next to my wife,
my child safely sleeps in the next room;
my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity.


Third Edit:

The Loneliest Feeling

I feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent.

Behind my eyes,
fear, rage and self-loathing.
When i ask myself why,
the only answer is nowhere.

I look desperately towards
a future that is measured numerically
by those who kiss their wives before bed,
tell their children
the world is fair,
and refuse
to look me in my eyes.

The dream ends.

I lie next to my wife,
my child safely sleeps in the next room;
my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity.


Second Edit:

the loneliest feeling

i feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent

behind my eyes
fear, rage and self-loathing
and when i ask myself why
the only answer is nowhere

i look desperate
my future is measured numerically
by those who
kiss their wives before bed
tell their children
the world is fair
and refuse
to look me in my eyes

the dream ends
i lie next to my wife
my child safely sleeps in the next room
and my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity

First Edit:

the loneliest feeling

i feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent

behind my eyes
is a mix
of fear, rage and self-loathing
and when i ask myself why
the only answer is nowhere

my eyes look desperate
my future is measured numerically
by those who kiss their wives before bed
those who tell their children
the world is fair
those who refuse
to look me in my eyes

i blink
and the dream ends
i lie next to my wife
my child safely sleeps in the next room
and my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity

Original :

the loneliest feeling

i feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent

behind my eyes
is a mix
of fear, rage and self-loathing
and when i ask myself why
the only answer is nowhere

my eyes look desperate
my future is measured numerically
by those who kiss their wives before bed
those who tell their children
the world is fair
those who refuse
to look me in my eyes

i blink
and the simile ends
i lie next to my wife
my child safely dreams in the next room
and my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity

[dukealien]

the loneliest feeling

i feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent

behind my eyes
is a mix
of fear, rage and self-loathing  perfect analysis
and when i ask myself why
the only answer is nowhere  hope this means can't find the answer, otherwise is opaque

my eyes look desperate
my future is measured numerically
by those who kiss their wives before bed
those who tell their children
the world is fair
those who refuse
to look me in my eyes  excellent line:  avoids cliche "in the eye" and sounds like a too-literal translation of a foreign-language idiom

i blink
and the simile ends  "simile" seems wrong to me here:  "I feel like x" is an English idiom not really related to use of "like" in a simile (x is like y); better dream, seance, vision?
i lie next to my wife
my child safely dreams in the next room
and my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity killer last line

Very effective and (I would say) needed concept.  My likes and reservations above; the parallelism between the last two stanzas may be a bit too close, though it speaks to the narrator reflecting himself in the refugee's (envisioned) thoughts rather than envisioning the refugee's actual thoughts... the refugee may, for example, actually be a fatalist.

Very, very good without being maudlin as is too often the case when considering refugees and other migrants.  The title is a bit odd  unless we think of the narrator as being lonely because he lacks empathy, but other interpretations are possible.

[Richard]

Hey dukealien,
Thanks for the feedback. You got a very point about the way I use simile in the last stanza. I actually edited the first stanza, and before that edit, it was more of a simile than it is now. As for the title, I think it could go in a couple of directions: The narrator could be lonely because he lacks empathy, or he's lonely because he's feeling empathy, but no one around him is feeling it.

Thanks again,
Richard

[homer1950]

First Edit:
Hi richard some thoughts, Thanks Homer

the loneliest feeling

i feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent

behind my eyes;
is a mix------------------------------------------- this line takes away power that the piece is trying to invoke
of fear, rage and self-loathing
and when i ask myself why
the only answer is nowhere------------ Nowhere? nowhere to be found?

my eyes look (I am) desperate--------- Use of eyes again would be redundant here
my future is measured numerically
by those who kiss their wives before bed
those who tell their children-------------------- Are those kissing their wives a different group then those telling their children?
the world is fair,
those who refuse to look me in my eyes

(If you wanted to use "Those" differently I suggest emphasizing the word "who" instead)

I am desperate
my future is measured numerically 
by those;
who kiss their wives before bed,
who tell their children the world is fair,
who refuse, to look me in my eyes


i blink--------------------- Not much blinking in a night dreams is this a day dream?
and the dream ends
i lie next to my wife
my child safely sleeps in the next room
and my empathy
(is) denied entry based on ethnicity

[nibbed]

Hi Richard, lemme give a swing at it


the loneliest feeling

i feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent

behind my eyes
is a mix
of fear, rage and self-loathing
and when i ask myself why
the only answer is nowhere

my eyes look desperate                                            desperate? shouldn't stare fit in here, because blink starts the next stanza
my future is measured numerically
by those who kiss their wives before bed
those who tell their children
the world is fair
those who refuse                                                       a lot of "those", just sayin'
to look me in my eyes                                               

i blink
and the dream ends
i lie next to my wife
my child safely sleeps in the next room
and my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity                                  I would carry the last three words to a new L, because I stumbled a bit



Interesting read. Thank you for the opportunity to critique.
Have a wonderful day.

[Richard]

Hey homer1950 and nibbed,
Thanks for the feedback. It gave me a lot of think about in terms of wording for this piece.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I decided to edit this poem by adding some punctuation and changing some of the wording. If anyone could let me know if this is an improvement over the previous version, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks all,
Richard

[dukealien]

Third Edit:

The Loneliest Feeling

I feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent.

Behind my eyes,
fear, rage and self-loathing.
When i ask myself why,
the only answer is nowhere.  I continue to find this line opaque:  is the answer hidden, absent, missing, invisible... ?

I look desperately towards Perhaps "toward" instead of "towards," a bit more formality could be in keeping
a future that is measured numerically Have a little trouble now with "measured" - see what it's saying, but would another word be better, saying that it's doled out, issued, decided, cut off like short lengths of sausage... "assigned," maybe?
by those who kiss their wives before bed,
tell their children
the world is fair,
and refuse Thinking now this line break may be unnecessary or counterproductive
to look me in my eyes.

The dream ends.

I lie next to my wife,
my child safely sleeps in the next room;
my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity.  Only a thought - could "based on" be replaced by "for my" since it's first person?

Punctuation improves the reading, IMHO, and the poem has improved through the edits.  The above are suggestions only (well, "toward" is a bit of a nudge, but the others are suggestions).

Good read, getting better.

[billy]

hi richard. the title does a good job and is tied to the poem enough to add something.

Third Edit:

The Loneliest Feeling

I feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent.

Behind my eyes,
fear, rage and self-loathing.
When i ask myself why, no need for when
the only answer is nowhere i like the use of nowhere it adds that feeling of utter isolation

I look desperately towards
a future that is measured numerically would a comma instead of [that is] strengthen the line.
by those who kiss their wives before bed,
tell their children
the world is fair,
and refuse
to look me in my eyes.

The dream ends.

I lie next to my wife,
my child safely sleeps in the next room;
my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity.

[Richard]

Hey dukealien and Billy,
Thanks for the feedback. This poem falls into the category of one of the ones I want to get right, so any suggestions are always appreciated.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Lizzie]

Hello Richard. A couple of thoughts for you.

Third Edit:

The Loneliest Feeling

I feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent. -- So...right off the bat, I have to call B.S. on this one. I don't know what that feels like, to be a refugee in a tent, and I don't know if the speaker does either. You need to prove to me, the reader, that you understand what that feels like, otherwise it smacks of inauthenticity. Some image, metaphor, simile that shows me what that feels like. Otherwise, the statement leads me nowhere. It's like saying, "I feel like a grizzly bear," and then just leaving it there, hanging.

Behind my eyes,
fear, rage and self-loathing.
When i ask myself why, -- is there a reason this 'i' is in lower case?
the only answer is nowhere.

I look desperately towards -- if you choose a stronger verb than "look" you can eliminate the adverb "desperately" -- often, the impulse to qualify with an adverb is a sign that the verb is inadequate. A strong verb will stand on it's own 99% of the time.
a future that is measured numerically
by those who kiss their wives before bed,
tell their children
the world is fair, -- nice
and refuse
to look me in my eyes.

The dream ends.

I lie next to my wife,
my child safely sleeps in the next room;
my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity.

I want to like this one, but I don't think it's there yet. It's because I'm not connecting with the first line. Once I understand how that feels, the rest will fall into place, I believe.

Hope something here is helpful.

Best,

Lizzie

[Richard]

Hey Lizzie,
Thanks for the feedback. You gave some things to think about with this piece.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I revised this one based on the feedbacks. Let me know if it's an improvement or not.

Cheers,
Richard