She Stands Staring into the Water

[Lizzie]

She stands staring into the water
at every dock, pier, or bridge, (anywhere
she travels on land) grasping any chance
to contemplate the water—feel its lilt,
the comforts of its motions—
to glimpse underneath its surface tension
at the tranquility of fish,
opening and closing their mouths
as if to whisper insider secrets
on the benefits of fins and tails,
on the importance of luxurious armor
—iridescent scales—on the necessity of keeping
like-minded company and attachments
with your species, on the deliciousness
of dead things and how to not fear
them, and on how to meditate through the motion
of gills—back and forth. She stands staring into the water,
breathing the way the Buddha taught her—in and out—
longing for the life she left behind
the day she crawled out of the water.

[Achebe]

You're on a roll, lizziep.
Great ending, I like the way it goes back to the beginning. Always works.
Some neat alliteration in 'deliciousness of dead' and 'meditate trough the motion'
So what's not to like?
Perhaps the unnecessary hyperbole of 'every', 'anywhere', and 'any'. Also, 'she stands staring into the water' doesn't scan at all to my ear. It's free verse, but even free verse should have some cadence. So perhaps 'she stands staring at the water' or 'she stands and stares into the water' would be better

[Lizzie]

Also, 'she stands staring into the water' doesn't scan at all to my ear. It's free verse, but even free verse should have some cadence. So perhaps 'she stands staring at the water' or 'she stands and stares into the water' would be better

Since I'm not hearing much of a difference right now, I'm going to use your ideas. Ha! I trust your ears

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Holy shit, I just got TWO more stars for replying to you!!! Where's the 'happy dance' emoticon when you need it???

[Wjames]

She stands staring into the water
at every dock, pier, or bridge, (anywhere
she travels on land) grasping any chance I don't think the bracketed part adds anything - plus, there are many places on land where one can't see water. Plus I think the line break after anywhere isn't all that strong, made even weaker by it being the only word inside of a bracket.
to contemplate the water—feel its lilt,
the comforts of its motions—
to glimpse underneath its surface tension I think "beneath" would sound better than "underneath" - it says the same thing with one less syllable too.
at the tranquility of fish, 
opening and closing their mouths
as if to whisper insider secrets
on the benefits of fins and tails,
on the importance of luxurious armor I would change this "on" to an "or", but that's a minor thing that doesn't really matter - I try to avoid that kind of repetition.
—iridescent scales—on the necessity of keeping  I really like the section from "opening & closing their mouths" to "Iridescent scales".
like-minded company and attachments
with your species, on the deliciousness  "The necessity of keeping like-minded company and attachments with your species" is very wordy, and could be condensed pretty easily. Simpler is usually better in my opinion.
of dead things and how to not fear
them, and on how to meditate through the motion
of gills—back and forth. She stands staring into the water,  That's one heck of a long sentence - not that that's uncommon in poetry, or necessarily bad, but it might be nice to give the readers some full stops and break it up a bit.
breathing the way the Buddah taught her—in and out— I think it might read better "reading the way a Buddha taught her" - in the largest branch of Buddhism (Mahayana), it is possible for anyone to become a Buddha. Also, Buddah is a typo.
longing for the life she left behind
the day she crawled out of the water.

I enjoyed the read, it's pleasant throughout and the ending makes you wonder what the water really is.

[Lizzie]

Thanks for the critique, WJames >< 

You raise some very valid points, and thanks for catching that typo  

Yeah, that sentence is long, probably because I've been reading Allen Ginsberg again.

[UselessBlueprint]

She stands staring into the water ( not a strong opening in my opinion )
at every dock, pier, or bridge, (anywhere
she travels on land) grasping any chance  ( the parenthetical felt very much out of place. but it worked for me, going by theme )
to contemplate the water—feel its lilt,
the comforts of its motions—
to glimpse underneath its surface tension
at the tranquility of fish,
opening and closing their mouths
as if to whisper insider secrets
on the benefits of fins and tails,
on the importance of luxurious armor ( why a line break here? )
—iridescent scales—on the necessity of keeping
like-minded company and attachments
with your species, on the deliciousness ( this line and the two above I enjoy )
of dead things and how to not fear
them, and on how to meditate through the motion
of gills—back and forth. She stands staring into the water,
breathing the way the Buddha taught her—in and out— ( good set of images here )
longing for the life she left behind
the day she crawled out of the water.

Not a deep crit, just some notes.
Mechanically and artistically, I felt it worked well. Thematically, it was fair, but not very hard-hitting.
I wish there was more for me to critique, but as a whole it works just fine. I can't object to your word orders, choices, and sentence structure, but I think the focus is pretty narrow for the amount of words used. I would suggest making parallel points and altering the poem to fit those, or otherwise shortening the poem considerably.

[Lizzie]

Hey, Useless!

Thanks for the feedback. I'll give some more thought to the opening line and the closing ones too. It distresses me that it was a little light on the emotion side I hope I can remedy that.

Thanks again!

lizziep