The Dandelion

[mv5543]

Hi Everyone! This is the first poem I have posted, and I would love to get some feedback. 


To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days,

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with a battalion of spades,

What have I done to earn your rage?

Edit 1:

To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days, 

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with your spade and rage,

What have I done to earn your hate?

Edit 2:

To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days, 

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But still you consider me a bane,

What have I done to earn your hate?

[rhoiyt]

"battalion of spades" is not the phrase you should be going for. It's very distracting, makes me try to imagine a marching garden tool kit, and that's not helpful if you're trying to express the flower's pain. You need to focus on the flower's emotions if L6 is to have any impact. L3-L4 are contradictory to what you're saying in L5-L6, especially because there isn't enough nuance. The "why kill me, I'm bound to die in a short while" theme is not that effective, in my opinion.
I like how the dandelion "can't compare" with the Narcissus, but goes on to do some self-flattery. Reminds me of an aged woman. But the "battalion" image screws that up.

[Julius]

Of course Narcissus had great beauty and loved himself with excessive zeal. Perhaps the second line could be more confident in its approach. "But I dare say" allows for other's to doubt. Something like "Surely you see great beauty in my golden shades?" You could then go on to say how it is sad that you (the observer) can only see "my" beauty for a few days.
Perhaps choosing something beautiful different to Narcissus might get round my doubts.
I like the idea and the general feeling behind your poem and what I say is a very minor point. The overall effect I find pleasing.

[mcauburn]

I like the theme of the poem, but came away with a muddled picture. Maybe dwell on the ugliness, not the beauty of the dandelion. After all, unlike the narcissus, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I'll revisit your post to see your future edits to the poem.

Thanks for posting your first poem.

[mv5543]

Hi Everyone! This is the first poem I have posted, and I would love to get some feedback. 


To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days,

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with a battalion of spades,

What have I done to earn your rage?

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I'll specify what I'm trying to say so I can take feedback into context. I'm trying to say that the dandelion knows that it is not as beautiful as Narcissus the flower, not Narcissus the Greek figure. However, the dandelion still thinks it has beauty, even though people may find it ugly simply because it is a weed. The dandelion also thinks that it has not done anything wrong enough to make people rip it out of the ground. Specifically, it only lives a short life, and when it dies, it disperses its seeds, just like others flowers do. However, people are determined to de-weed it, and see it as a nuisance in their yards, so the dandelion doesn't understand what it has done to earn people's hate.

---

"battalion of spades" is not the phrase you should be going for. It's very distracting, makes me try to imagine a marching garden tool kit, and that's not helpful if you're trying to express the flower's pain. You need to focus on the flower's emotions if L6 is to have any impact. L3-L4 are contradictory to what you're saying in L5-L6, especially because there isn't enough nuance. The "why kill me, I'm bound to die in a short while" theme is not that effective, in my opinion.
I like how the dandelion "can't compare" with the Narcissus, but goes on to do some self-flattery. Reminds me of an aged woman. But the "battalion" image screws that up.

I understand why the 'battalion of spades' imagery is not working.  I don't understand why L3-L4 are contradicting L5-L6, at least to me, they seem consistent. I would appreciate if you could expand on your input. I really appreciate your feedback.

[rhoiyt]

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I'll specify what I'm trying to say so I can take feedback into context. I'm trying to say that the dandelion knows that it is not as beautiful as Narcissus the flower, not Narcissus the Greek figure. However, the dandelion still thinks it has beauty, even though people may find it ugly simply because it is a weed. The dandelion also thinks that it has not done anything wrong enough to make people rip it out of the ground. Specifically, it only lives a short life, and when it dies, it disperses its seeds, just like others flowers do. However, people are determined to de-weed it, and see it as a nuisance in their yards, so the dandelion doesn't understand what it has done to earn people's hate.

---

I understand why the 'battalion of spades' imagery is not working.  I don't understand why L3-L4 are contradicting L5-L6, at least to me, they seem consistent. I would appreciate if you could expand on your input. I really appreciate your feedback.

There are two themes in this poem: the flower's emotions, and how the flower is perceived. These are not disjoint themes, one supplements the other. However, when there is a sudden shift within the same paragraph between these, it creates a break in the thematic flow in the poem. The reader wouldn't know which to reflect upon: the sadness of this individual Dandelion, or the unfortunate de-weeding of the Dandelions. I'll try my best to explain.

The original poem: L1-L4 are focussed heavily on the image of the flower, trying to evoke some pity or admiration. In L5, "you come at me" places a weak focus on the flower, and "battalion of spades" hijacks the line. The sudden shift in focus, now to an abstract subject (notice that the human involved just "comes", no other description is presented) with no image, is disruptive. The subject then becomes the battalion of spades, and that is not helpful. A more strong focus on the flower, with something like "tear me down", "behead me", "hack away at me", etc. might have helped, but "battalion" was too strong a word. L6 then becomes retrospective and not as effective as something of immediate consequence.

Edit 1, L5. With the (heavy) focus on an unseen subject removed, it now squarely lies on the flower. The reader does pause to consider the human involved in the interaction, but only from the second person perspective next to the flower. "spade and rage" describe the human's actions."Rage" is very effective as a verb, leaving it to the reader to imagine the extent of the atrocity committed on the poor, undeserving flower, simultaneously antagonising the human. "You come at me" is still as weak as before, but the focus is not stolen. L6 however, becomes far more effective with the image of the flower being murdered in the foreground (because L5 ended within an ongoing verb and not a noun).

Edit 2, L5 ends with "bane", a which is a strong word and shifts the focus to the second theme. It does conveys that "the dandelion is a weed" more effectively than Edit 1, but doesn't end as powerfully. "You consider me" is not as good as "you come at me", the latter being a visualisable action. There needs to be more strength in L5 if L6 is to have a greater impact.

The reason why I thought the lines were contradictory is because of this shift in focus and also because I was too invested in the flower's emotions to immediately back away, and then come back for L6. From what I understand, the focus is on the flower, its emotions and confusion. So it might help to have an L5 more aligned with that theme, or transition more smoothly from L4 into L6.

One other suggestion:
L3-L4 aren't as strong as the others, partly because of the redundant repeats ("just a few days", "only to wither away", "short wake"), and the length. Stronger words and emotions would help.

It'd be great if I can be of any help. 
Thanks, 
Rohit

[Bunx]

Hi Everyone! This is the first poem I have posted, and I would love to get some feedback. 


To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days,

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with a battalion of spades,

What have I done to earn your rage?

Edit 1:

To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days, 

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with your spade and rage,

What have I done to earn your hate?

Edit 2:

To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades. Not sure of"But" at the beginning of this, Maybe try "Though"

I’m here for just a few days, 

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake. Really enjoy this line. 

But still you consider me a bane, Don't think this line is necessary, I feel like it is more concise without it.  

What have I done to earn your hate? Strong 

Really enjoyed this poem, and the idea of personifying a plant that is not considered beautiful or wanted. I think you could use the same idea if you wanted to continue this theme in more pieces.

 I feel like you almost there with the flow of the poem and how it sounds, I feel like there is a musical quality about the piece like it could be spoken-word during a song. 

Also an idea that could help you break up the poem and idea in S4 would be the spit that line in two after the comma adding an extra pause. 

Thanks for the post!

[Jeremiahcp]

Hi Everyone! This is the first poem I have posted, and I would love to get some feedback. 


To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days,

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with a battalion of spades,

What have I done to earn your rage?

Edit 1:

To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days, 

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with your spade and rage,

What have I done to earn your hate?

Edit 2:

To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days, 

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But still you consider me a bane,

What have I done to earn your hate?

This is great material to work a poem around, just a few things I saw.

In your first line you could drop the. With the capitalization it reads as a proper name, so there is no need for the. For example: You won't say the Paul. 
In the 2nd line, the phrase but dare I say  sounds a bit archaic.
I would shorten the beginning a bit and combine some of the lines. 

Like this:

To Narcissus I don't compare
as my golden shade quickly fades
and I wither away

On the 4th line, I think there is great opportunity to turn the kindred into a strong image. 
I would also be careful with the last line. It could work just the way it is, but leaving on a open question like that, gives the reader the opportunity to justify a dislike of dandelions.

[Brujo]

Greetings!  Here are some notes I have.  


To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days,

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.  Sounds a bit awkward 

But you come at me with a battalion of spades,  'battalion of spades' reminds me of alice and wonderland

What have I done to earn your rage?  

I like lines 1 &2.  I would scrap the rest.  I would keep the concept of lines 3 & 4 (brevity of life ect.) and lines 5 & 6 ( scorn of the Gardner)  and expand them with sensory imagery.  Try attaching more emotion to the dandelion.

-Nick     

[BW BRINE]

To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days, 

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But still you consider me a bane,

What have I done to earn your hate?

I actually enjoyed your original idea with the spades better. The comparisons between the Narcissus flower and yourself should continue to the end, and in that regard, being attacked by spades is more visually appealing than being considered a bane. That said, the original wording was a bit distracting...

Perhaps something along the lines of:

"But still you attack me with your spade,
What have I done to earn your hate?"

Or even something that incorporates the digging of a grave for the last line.

If you wanted to ditch the flower comparisons completely, you could leave out 'the' from Narcissus and my whole point is moot, but I like the imagery better this way. Good work!

-BW

[LukeSizemore]

In your last revision, I really like how it our 3rd line ties rhymes in twice with your second. However, the last two lines don't rhyme well enough for me personally. I just don't see how bane and hate fit in well enough.

That's just me nit picking though, I like the message of the poem!