Tiger

[Julius]

Tiger (Not really an edit - really a new version taking critique into account)

yellowing grass sways
undisturbed antelope rests...
unlike the tiger

Tiger

Enjoy cooling flesh
and the airborne smell of death
In your innocence

[UselessBlueprint]

Normally I would be bothered by word choice in a piece like this, but it doesn't bother me all too much here. I am, however, confused by the second person. The poem itself also reads completely unnaturally. It's easy enough to read it imperatively, but that makes it sound like a small fragment of a thought.

My question is the title. I don't understand it.

(P.S. didn't realize it was posted under haiku until after I replied. woops.)

[Julius]

Normally I would be bothered by word choice in a piece like this, but it doesn't bother me all too much here. I am, however, confused by the second person. The poem itself also reads completely unnaturally. It's easy enough to read it imperatively, but that makes it sound like a small fragment of a thought.

My question is the title. I don't understand it.

(P.S. didn't realize it was posted under haiku until after I replied. woops.)

As I understand it a Haiku should basically present you with an aspect of nature. It should allow the reader to form his/her own picture in their mind. Towards the end, often using the last line, there should be something which contrasts, but which on reflection is relevant.

In my poem the idea is that you might  feel that the Tiger ripping into raw, still warm flesh from its kill seems  disgusting and something to be ashamed of. However the last line says there is no reason for the tiger to feel guilty in any way.

[Tiger the Lion]

Normally I would be bothered by word choice in a piece like this, but it doesn't bother me all too much here. I am, however, confused by the second person. The poem itself also reads completely unnaturally. It's easy enough to read it imperatively, but that makes it sound like a small fragment of a thought.

My question is the title. I don't understand it.

(P.S. didn't realize it was posted under haiku until after I replied. woops.)

As I understand it a Haiku should basically present you with an aspect of nature. It should allow the reader to form his/her own picture in their mind. Towards the end, often using the last line, there should be something which contrasts, but which on reflection is relevant.

In my poem the idea is that you might  feel that the Tiger ripping into raw, still warm flesh from its kill seems  disgusting and something to be ashamed of. However the last line says there is no reason for the tiger to feel guilty in any way.

Hello Julius, and welcome. I understand what you are trying to do but my question is why would readers expect a large carnivorous cat to feel shame or guilt? I wouldn't expect much more than a "Yum". 

Paul

[Erthona]

Julius,

I have to go with Paul on this one. Although it has aspects of an ELH (English language haiku) it lacks any kind of seasonal reference, nor does it do other than state the facts. So while superficially it may resemble a ELH (5-7-5), it is not really one. Viewed simply as a poem whose thrust seems to be a somewhat graphic depiction of the kill, it still fails as the treatment is too light and has none of the visceral elements one would expect from a word painting. One also has to question word usage and punctuation choices. An ELH generally does not employ punctuation; were this written simply as a sentence, starting L3 with a cap would make no sense.

This poem seems to have a haphazard feel to it as though it was written quickly and just as quickly posted without giving it much thought or consideration. It is often wise to sit on a poem for a while then come back to see if it is what one thinks it is, or it it needs some work or to be tossed entirely. It is a procedure that has worked well for me.

Best,

dale

[Julius]

Oh well, I guess two “thumbs down” out of two says it all lol.
I do have to wonder what you might make out of some famous haiku that involve wild life without an element of seasonal reference. Note the use of capitals and that “The wren” makes a sentence.
 
 Many buzzards feast
On animal on busy road
Change quickly happens

The wren
Earns his living
Noiselessly.
Kobayahsi Issa

An old silent pond...
A frog jumps into the pond,
splash! Silence again.
Matsuo Bashō

[Tiger the Lion]

Oh well, I guess two “thumbs down” out of two says it all lol.
I do have to wonder what you might make out of some famous haiku that involve wild life without an element of seasonal reference. Note the use of capitals and that “The wren” makes a sentence.
 
 Many buzzards feast
On animal on busy road
Change quickly happens

The wren
Earns his living
Noiselessly.
Kobayahsi Issa

An old silent pond...
A frog jumps into the pond,
splash! Silence again.
Matsuo Bashō

Hey Julius. First off, try not to think of it as a thumbs down. Try to take something from each poem/crit and apply it to your next attempt. As for the 3 examples. I do not recognize the first one. If I were critting it here I would say the image is not bad but the wordiness is outrageous. Definitely a "thumbs down" - I don't care who wrote it. (unless like the others it's a translation issue.)
The second is a classic, but remember it is a translation. The capitals are the translators choice (a poor one).
The same goes for the third example, which in my opinion could be the worst translation I've seen of that Haiku.
 Good luck with your next one.
Paul

[Julius]

Thank you all for your critique - the edit is really a completely new haiku where I have tried to utilise the advice given