Well for a new poem it certainly isnt bad. There are some things that i would adjust however. For example the first line i would get rid of the period put in a comma and then put a space between heels and marked, like create a new line. Also it seems like you say the word insanity to much? Im not sure if that is just me or not. Maybe instead you could substitute it for a synonym or something. Also in the final line i would put a space between face and seething.
Nice job though.
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8209,
I like the idea of this poem. I like the metaphors, as well as the imagery. I like a lot about this poem actually, but I feel like the things I like are overweighed by the things I don't. You have a lot of content here, which is excellent, I could critique this in a line-by-line format but since it's in novice i'll try to remain general.
The first thing that strikes me as off are some of your sentences. Take the first two for example, they are very fragment-ish and could do with a rewrite. You also have a lot of sentences that seem to miss periods. I get you're trying to be poetic on the last line, but I personally don't think it works as well as an actual sentence in place of the two would.
Overall an awesome first attempt, I'd basically just work on your sentences and go from there.
Mike
Crit away
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billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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if you had to say it in five lines what would they be.
steer clear or imponderables and cliche. what demons describe one with an image, use some alteration, consonance assonance etc simile and metaphor allow us to show a picture. kicking like tap dancer, kicking like a north korean soldier, kicking like anything but a mule
Hello. I am also extremely knew to how actual poetry feels and sounds, so I appologize that I can't give very technical feedback.
Your poem has a lot of imagry of a chaotic internal battle, mixed with something happening in the exterior world. It's interesting, but I get a little lost. What are you fighting against? Who is dragging you where and why? I know it's supposed to be metaphorical, but maybe it can be a bit more defined.
From one novice to another, this has potential.
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Try not to use a cliche as a title.
S1L5 "voices" is redundant.
S2L1 "Arms" do not reside, they especially do not reside around.
"Bulging arms residing around me.
Determined to feed me to my fate"
How can "arms" be determined? I was unaware they possessed cognition.
S2L2 Considering the nature of "fate" or "one's fate" the idea of being fed to it seems somewhat odd.
Grammar is always a good thing to consider.
S2L2,3-4
"Determined to feed me to my fate looming in the stifling air chants of insanity reside within me..."
Punctuation is also nice to consider so the reader can tell where one thought ends and another begins.
The affectation of starting each line with a capitol letter was dropped in typesetting in the mid 1955's. Why it was ever done is somewhat of a mystery. I conjecture that it had to do with the method of printing up until that time and the letters had to be hand set, thus the first letter of a line (in poetry) was capped as a marker. The reason this still appears in text books today is the copyright has yet to run out on the poetry that uses the more modern style, and anthologies do not like to pay money to be able to print poetry in their books, so they stick to the older poetry that is in the public domain and which uses the older style of type setting. However, since capping the first letter of each line makes it more difficult on the reader, and today it is seen as an affectation such as center justify, like is seen in books of poetry on old ladies coffee tables which are never read, it is generally discouraged. If it is a problem in MS Word, the auto cap can be turned off. I believe under tools->options.
As this is "Novice Poet and Critic" I should stop here so as not exceed the verbosity limit, of which I am often accused. However, one last general note. The idea of poetry is to make the most out of ones words, here it seems as though the writer is trying to make the lest of his words. More meaning, less words.
Try starting with something less complex, something you know better, than something that has already been well covered many times before. Just observe a normal everyday thing and try and see it from a different perspective than people generally see it. Just a suggestion.
Best and welcome to the site,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Not bad in general. My biggest issue with this poem (edited version) is that it's far too vague. To extract meaning from this is more like finding the greatest common denominators between several vague terms. The closest theme I can derive would be along the lines of internal conflicts, but I really don't see anything to suggest that it's such a conflict at all. Just some insanity and memory. In the future, I suggest avoiding the word insanity unless it is absolutely necessary (and it usually isn't). It's the sort of thing that has to be demonstrated (from my own reading, I suggest Emily Dickinson's "I Felt a Funeral In My Brain" as one example of how).
I'm also not sure I agree with some of the progression. It switches between the calm and the powerful, rather than following a logical progression (Line 1 - powerful; Line 11 - calm/weak; Line 16 - powerful; Final lines - calm/weak). I personally think it should go steadily from one to the other, rather than switching. It might be by design, but I would likely then start and finish the piece on the same tone.
Read and liked, dangerous, powerful stuff.
I'm too new at this to offer a technical critique, but as a novice it had a dark pulse and a graveyard feel. Keep at it!
Try to be specific, there is really nothing here to help the poet improve his poem. If you liked it, but specific about that, if not, be specific about that. Please read the material about critiquing poetry that you were given when joining the site.
Thanks you - Mod
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I too agree with UselessBlueprint. The vague nature of this poem could be chiseled into a more refined form. I'm in no way technically gifted but I think there is room for some succinct adjectives. "...demons to grow." could be subtly embellished, so could "safety" as you use it a few times.
In my eyes the topic at hand is an internal struggle. I feel that what you are trying to convey is a sense of poignancy in which one would find in the solace of acceptance, which - deliberate or not - is masked by themes of struggling and aggression.
But, above all
Welcome!
(01-04-2016, 06:39 AM)8209pips Wrote: Hi there. This is the first poem here for me. Or any public forum for that matter. I'm definitely a novice as you'll be able to see. I'm open and up for any criticism you may have to offer. I do know the flow is a bit off. Not too sure of some of the words or styles (don't know technical names yet) that I can use. Thank you in advance.
Floor scuffed by my dragging heels. Marked in dead skin.
Carried to the inevitable.
Kicking, screaming, i beg for forgiveness
Seeking grace I have found only madness
Hearing voices of demons I can not escape.
Bulging arms residing around me.
Determined to feed me to my fate
Looming in the stifling air
Chants of insanity reside within me
Closer still to the inevitable
The faces of new friends seething behind their cage
Lined in white, pure as new life
My home begins to fill with
indiscriminate transgressions I embraced
The forgiveness I once sought
Turn to the beast I knew I was
Releasing my demons gone mad
Embracing the inescapable truth that is I
Settling in.
Heels scuffed by the dead floor
My home a prison for the demons I love
Here my madness will reside.
Here my insanity will be safe.
My face. Seething behind my cage.
This poem is really good; I like how you bring back the cage. One thing that I would do to improve this is change the word "reside" and "residing." This poem is really emotional, and the word "reside" is not a very strong word. Instead, I would do something like "Bulging arms clasping me" and "Chants of insanity echo within me."
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