A Night in Arles, September 1888

[AndyB]

I'd appreciate some feedback on this poem, especially the meter and punctuation.

A Night in Arles, September 1888

Charles’ Wain over the Rhone
Stars of the north now in the south shone
The gaslights gleaming on the rivers edge
Witnessed the sky and the river wed
By the artist with his brush and palette
He stands on the bank and officiates

Webby waves of blue, gold and gray
Cracked on canvas in thick strokes of paint
The constellation whitens the night
A somber couple stand in its light
The ships’ gongs whanging in your ear
The taste of salt is in the air

[John]

Hi, AndyB.

First off, you've got an atmospheric piece of work. After some research, I realised your subject was Vincent Van Gogh and Starry Night Over the Rhone. And with Americanised spelling (somber), you've chosen the northern English term for the Plough (Big Dipper) i.e. Charles' Wain. All confusing to start.

But on to metre and punctuation: you haven't any (apart from a comma and two possessive apostrophes.) I can get some iambic tetrameter from the last two lines, but that's all. What sort of metre were you aiming for?

Capitalised first lines and no end-stops seem to be a bit passé now. Would you want to read a modern novel in the style of Chaucer? No punctuation means the reader has to do all the work and guess where to pause, where to put emphasis, where to run on... you get it. It detracts significantly from the reading and quite possibly how you want the work to be read and interpreted.

There are other issues which I'm sure will be addressed, but overall you've an idea on which to build.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.

[rowens]

I think it easily depicts the childlike paintings of van Goghs feeling. And none of the complicated mindtorture stuff meshed in with it. Poetry, writing, is easy compared to painting. Any 10 year old raised on laptop could have written this poem, when rhyme is the theme. Any talented painter could have written this poem between better-madework than van Goghs. And van Goghs letters are better than this. If you can't write better than a painter who paints like a child who can paint better than an expert painter, there's something wrong. The rhymes have that van Gogh recklessness, but none of the van Gogh-like charm and spirit. None of the dizzying autismo yellow in your dull yellow ''approach''. And since you're a poet poeting and not trying to mimic van Gogh, all there was to say is that your rhymes are cheap and too easy. But not bad. There's some haunting balance you could keep that you haven't, but I don't know, something you can work with.

[AndyB]

Hi John, Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. I'm going to add some punctuation and repost.

Hey Rowens, you're feedback isn't helpful at all. You're just bashing the poem and not giving me anything constructive.

[rowens]

I wanted to compare the seemingly simplistic paintings of van Gogh to your seemingly simple lines. The first few lines of your second stanza give me the impression you're not so simple. The rest of your poem and your opening questioning about punctuation make it hard to have faith in the poem. I guess I should have just said your rhymes are cheap and too easy. I was wrong about all the other stuff. Take lead from your second stanza if you want something constructive.

[AndyB]

Hi Rowens,

Thank you. I appreciate the feedback and honesty.

[Weeded]

I think what Rowens was trying to say was that you could of used far less simple adjectives; especially in describing the painting.
I personally love the two opening lines, but for different reasons then you might be trying achieve with them. The rhyme is very Atmosphere-esque, I could imagine Slug rapping this poem.

But take for instance the first line of the second stanza.

Webby waves of blue, gold and gray

Its a nice image, but the color words come off as weak. For example you could have used:

Webby waves of azure, gilded ash(or slate, if you want to keep rhyme)

Or something to that effect. Just swap out a couple simple words and your poem might have a completely different effect on the reader. A good read nonetheless.

[billy]

hi andy. check out leannes post on basic meter here
at present the meter here is a bit wobbly bob. i'd personally only use caps where warranted, but thats just my preference. you used an odd comma and apostrophe that you could have done without via different word use.

I'd appreciate some feedback on this poem, especially the meter and punctuation.

A Night in Arles, September 1888

Charles’ Wain over the Rhone
Stars of the north now in the south shone
The gaslights gleaming on the rivers edge
Witnessed the sky and the river wed
By the artist with his brush and palette
He stands on the bank and officiates

Webby waves of blue, gold and gray i don't get the use of webby. starry night admittedly seemed to be done with wavy strokes but webby doesn't seem to suit his art.
Cracked on canvas in thick strokes of paint
The constellation whitens the night
A somber couple stand in its light
The ships’ gongs whanging in your ear love whanging though it does remind me of something else.
The taste of salt is in the air

[Jezie]

This is an interesting piece to me, but it is begging for some punctuation... It lets the reader know how to navigate the writing... I got lost it in for how it would read different with different punctuations.... In my wondering through this poem... I found "the" in front of "river" in S1L4 a bit unnecessary and that it reads easier without it...
I agree with much of what others have mentioned so will not be redundant... But it is promising piece...

[hannah.h]

Hi Andy, 
I'm certainly no expert but I enjoyed reading your poem. I think it has a lot of potential. I agree that it could really be improved with the addition of some commas where you finish thoughts and want the reader to pause. I also found that as I was reading the poem, the last line of the first stanza ("He stands on the bank and officiates") seems a little out of place. You might want to try and rework the wording so that melds with the rest of your poem. The line "A somber couple stand in its light" gives me the impression of a melancholy tone that, if you want to incorporate, could be more developed. 
Thanks for the poem, 
Hannah