Death's Gift (changed from Rich)

[Turtle]

EDIT #2
riches aren't measured
shiny trinkets or
gold pieces
no – no – no
those
are illusion

learning how to give life
to a fire,
sharing unconditionally
with another,
spending an afternoon
in the forest,
or teaching a child
how to read
the stars...

when life comes
to death,
these are the riches
that give us breath.


EDIT #1
riches aren't measured
shiny trinkets or
gold pieces
no – no – no
those
are illusion

learning how to give life
to a fire,
sharing unconditionally
with another,
spending an afternoon
in the forest
with people and love,
or teaching a child
how to read
the stars...

when life breathes
its last breath,
nothing, even riches
do we keep
in death.

ORIGINAL
Riches aren't always measured
in gold pieces
no, no, no,
those are simply shiny trinkets
to keep our attention fixed
on illusion.

My riches were gained when I learned
how to give life
to a fire,
or when I shared
unconditionally
with another,
or when I spent that afternoon in the forest
with the people I love,
or when I taught that child
how to read
the stars...

When it all comes to that point in life
when we all realize our mortality
for one last time
as we breathe our last moments
of breath,
these are the riches we keep in death.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Turtle-
Good one. Some trimming is needed, but you probably know that.

While this topic has been done over a bazillion times, you bring a freshness to it with your experiences measured as wealth. That is the strength of this poem. Some mark-up below:



Riches aren't measured
in gold pieces
no, no, no,
those are simply shiny trinkets
to keep our attention

My riches were gained when I learned
how to give life
to a fire,
or when I shared
unconditionally
with another,
or when I spent that afternoon in the forest
with the people I love,
or when I taught that child
how to read
the stars...

When it comes to the last breath,
these are the riches we keep
in death.

[billy]

try and cut back on the words. as is it feels too drawn out

ie;

Riches aren't gold pieces
they're used to keep attention fixed
on illusion.

the poem
needs to be more poetry than prose. use simile/metaphor, alliteration etc, [check out the flash cards or use google for [poetic devices]]

Riches aren't always measured
in gold pieces
no, no, no,
those are simply shiny trinkets
to keep our attention fixed
on illusion.

My riches were gained when I learned
how to give life
to a fire,
or when I shared
unconditionally
with another,
or when I spent that afternoon in the forest
with the people I love,
or when I taught that child
how to read
the stars...

When it all comes to that point in life
when we all realize our mortality
for one last time
as we breathe our last moments
of breath,
these are the riches we keep in death.

[Turtle]

Thanks for the comments. I'm realizing now that many of my "poems" are actually just prose with line breaks. With your critiques and a little clarification on what poetry actually is, I've posted my first edit.

[Quixilated]

Just wanted to say I like the edit.
--Quix

Thanks for the comments. I'm realizing now that many of my "poems" are actually just prose with line breaks. With your critiques and a little clarification on what poetry actually is, I've posted my first edit.

[summermoose]

Hi turtle. Nice edit!

This is just a thought, given that the subject matter of your poem is a common one. Sometimes taking a bitter honest approach to a topic like this can add a layer of complexity that is really intriguing (and a cool exercise to put in words!). What I mean is addressing the dilemma that while most consciously accept that no riches come with us past death and their value ends in the moment, most will still pursue them while sacrificing some other parts of ourselves. If that is something you can relate to, expressing that complexity in simple language can add a spice to your writing.

Again, this is just a general suggestion as you take on more topics. I apologize if that was vague.

[Animal Riots Activist]

EDIT #1
riches aren't measured
shiny trinkets or
gold pieces
no – no – no -awesome! Immediately brings the poem into a conversational place and offsets the didactic-ness
those
are illusion

learning how to give life
to a fire,
sharing unconditionally
with another,
spending an afternoon
in the forest
with people and love, - this line and the previous two lines are a bit ineffective, mostly because I don't know how you can spend an afternoon with love. otherwise really solid stanza.
or teaching a child
how to read
the stars...

when life breathes
its last breath,
nothing, even riches
do we keep
in death. -This stanza borders on cliche for me.

ORIGINAL
Riches aren't always measured
in gold pieces
no, no, no,
those are simply shiny trinkets
to keep our attention fixed
on illusion.

My riches were gained when I learned
how to give life
to a fire,
or when I shared
unconditionally
with another,
or when I spent that afternoon in the forest
with the people I love,
or when I taught that child
how to read
the stars...

When it all comes to that point in life
when we all realize our mortality
for one last time
as we breathe our last moments
of breath,
these are the riches we keep in death.

Really solid piece, though definitely still some kinks to work out.

[fluorescent.43]

EDIT #2
riches aren't measured [by]
shiny trinkets or
gold pieces
no – no – no repetition of 'no' barely works. but it does.
those i like the line break here. gives a sense of weightlessness.
are illusion

learning how to give life
to a fire, the line break here i think could be at 'give', putting life at the start of l2.
sharing unconditionally sharing what?
with another,
spending an afternoon
in the forest, comma needed? be careful with getting too list-y in this stanza. don't reel off all the 'riches' in a row or it becomes too much.
or teaching a child
how to read
the stars... i like the last three lines. evocative, especially 'read the stars'.

when life comes
to death, think you could be more original with the first two lines. 'life comes to death' is a bit cliché and slightly vague to boot.
these are the riches
that give us breath. good ending line. intriguing, but also clear.


EDIT #1
riches aren't measured
shiny trinkets or
gold pieces
no – no – no
those
are illusion

learning how to give life
to a fire,
sharing unconditionally
with another,
spending an afternoon
in the forest
with people and love,
or teaching a child
how to read
the stars...

when life breathes
its last breath,
nothing, even riches
do we keep
in death.

ORIGINAL
Riches aren't always measured
in gold pieces
no, no, no,
those are simply shiny trinkets
to keep our attention fixed
on illusion.

My riches were gained when I learned
how to give life
to a fire,
or when I shared
unconditionally
with another,
or when I spent that afternoon in the forest
with the people I love,
or when I taught that child
how to read
the stars...

When it all comes to that point in life
when we all realize our mortality
for one last time
as we breathe our last moments
of breath,
these are the riches we keep in death.

i really like what you did with this edit. i think it's very good now. you've cleaned it up quite a bit and other than the suggestions i made above, i don't have much else to say. the second stanza could still be worked on, but otherwise a solid piece of good writing. good luck if you intend to edit!

43.

[kakashi1090]

You have a very clear approach and the message is pretty obvious. Materialism is stupid, experience is what makes you rich and life worth it and such. However I feel there is a certain depth to the poem that I know is there but can not reach with it currently. The images are strong but delivered in a very standard way. I'd say maybe throwing some wrenches in the rhythm to grab attention to specific things and maybe even doing some Yoda play and phrasing lines differently than how you'd say them in a regular conversation would bring out a more poetic feel from the poem. Good stuff though I enjoyed this poem!

[Cousin Kil]

Hey Turtle,

good stuff here, a little bland and dry in places but with some reworking it could be a really really cool poem
a couple suggestions for lines
personally (I think someone else suggested something to this effect too) I would omit the line about the forest.. the lines within that stanza to me point to some kind of outdoors experience with a loved one but I don't know... it just felt a little out of place for me
only an opinion though
additionally I have a suggestion for the last lines which you seemed to be playing with in your edits
how does this sound
"when life comes to
leave, these are
the riches which
breathe"
or something to that effect
food for thought, thanks for sharing
Cousin Kil