Posts: 20
Threads: 5
Joined: Jun 2015
another recent poem I did, I've gone back over it and edited it and tried to make it more presentable, avoided clichés where I can and get a rhythm to it, its a poem I thought up and just started writing it down and this is the end result, not a huge amount of effort to it and it just began to take shape so I just let it happen, I accept its a bit juvenile maybe and easy to get and not at all deep and profound but it still has a value to me as a poet and I see it as a decent enough poem in its own right when taken at face value for what it is, an easy enjoyable piece of poetry with a bit of a message maybe, I hope others like it and enjoy it too, it's not written to blow your socks off or win a major literary prize but its enjoyable I think, I have other poems that are at the other end of the spectrum and are raw and engaging, for another time perhaps.
poppoetry.
Soldier Down.
'Heads down'!!!!!
shots overhead,
zinging around,
a Trooper's dead.
Can't see their foe,
not anywhere.
Bullets hit the ground,
where are they?.
Troopers Panic.
dive behind the wall.
Safe for now,
together one and all.
Hearts racing fast,
eyes open wide.
frozen with fear,
comrades each side.
it's his job,
to find a way.
to kill this foe,
carry the day.
to put his head
above that wall.
take the shot,
save them all.
more shots fired,
comes their way.
bullets hit the dirt,
a steady spray.
enemy'll keep at this,
they see no shame.
This is war!.
it's brutal.........it's not a game.
our solider is frozen,
Mom's brave guy.
He has courage,
is ready to die.
shot is loaded
ready for his kill.
find his foe,
God willing he will.
he holds his nerve,
takes a deep breath.
he's ready now
to cause someone else's death.
looks around,
see's his friends.
he must do this,
their lives depends.
a shot comes,
gives him his range.
safety off....
pressure finger...time to engage.
he leaps up....
takes his aim,
sees his shot.
enemy's in range.
second sniper's hidden,
lying in wait,
pulls his trigger,
seals our troopers fate.
the kill was clean,
the shot was good.
their aim to confuse,
this they understood.
our soldier down,
he didn't know.
he's now a proud picture
on the sideboard at home.
2015 popoetry
You do a good job at creating a narrative throughout the piece and I thought that was well done. You still have quite a few cliches in here that took me out of "the moment" if you will (for example, "frozen in fear"). The rhythm starts out well with four syllables in the last line of each stanza and then you lose it. In the eleventh stanza, "to cause someone else's death." does not fit. Perhaps trim it down to "to cause a death"?
Posts: 20
Threads: 5
Joined: Jun 2015
Thanks for that, I've tried to eliminate cliches as much as possible and maybe need to be more ruthless, I did struggle with the 'cause someone else's death' ok and will amend this as suggested, this poem has a serious side to it regarding conflict and those who who become directly involved but it's also easy and accessible so thanks for your comments.
Poppoetry.
(06-11-2015, 12:06 PM)Balor1712 Wrote: You do a good job at creating a narrative throughout the piece and I thought that was well done. You still have quite a few cliches in here that took me out of "the moment" if you will (for example, "frozen in fear"). The rhythm starts out well with four syllables in the last line of each stanza and then you lose it. In the eleventh stanza, "to cause someone else's death." does not fit. Perhaps trim it down to "to cause a death"?
Gaslampfantasy
Unregistered
'Trooper's', in the fourth line, probably should not be capitalised. Generally only capitalise proper nouns, like people's names and so forth.
Posts: 56
Threads: 14
Joined: Jun 2015
Hey poppoetry 
Alright, first off, I really like the title, maybe the simplicity? I don't know why..
The second stanza really threw me off since there was a pretty regular rhyme scheme throughout the rest of the poem.
In your eighth stanza, "it's not a game" the "it's" feels unnecessary to me, And I think it throws off the meter. Same goes with the eleventh stanza "too cause someone else's death" feels awkward to me.
In the sixteenth stanza "this they understood" also feels awkard, I think do to the "this".
I don't know if this even bears mentioning, but it feels to me like there are too many "this" in...this. Maybe a few too many "the" also.
I hope this was somehow helpful, I do like this, I think with a bit more concrete imagery, it would be nicer.
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
Poppoetry,
There are some good elements to this, some of the images work well and the short lines help to move it along at a decent pace. There are some cliches in there such as 'God willing' and 'he holds his nerve', if you could think of alternative ways of expressing the same thing it would help the poem a lot. There is even an argument to say that the title is cliche, perhaps a rethink.
Also be careful of using !!!! Exclamation marks!!! and ellipsis... without a really good reason as these can also be seen as cliche, a couple of ellipsis have a gone a dot too far.
The other thing that puzzled me was that halfway through the 4th stanza you seemed to abandon capitalising the beginning of sentences for some reason, perhaps the shift key took a stray bullet
There's some good potential here.
Thanks for the read,
Mark
 wae aye man ye radgie
(06-11-2015, 01:45 AM)poppoetry Wrote: another recent poem I did, I've gone back over it and edited it and tried to make it more presentable, avoided clichés where I can and get a rhythm to it, its a poem I thought up and just started writing it down and this is the end result, not a huge amount of effort to it and it just began to take shape so I just let it happen, I accept its a bit juvenile maybe and easy to get and not at all deep and profound but it still has a value to me as a poet and I see it as a decent enough poem in its own right when taken at face value for what it is, an easy enjoyable piece of poetry with a bit of a message maybe, I hope others like it and enjoy it too, it's not written to blow your socks off or win a major literary prize but its enjoyable I think, I have other poems that are at the other end of the spectrum and are raw and engaging, for another time perhaps.
poppoetry.
Soldier Down.
'Heads down'!!!!!
shots overhead,
zinging around,
a Trooper's dead.
Can't see their foe,
not anywhere.
Bullets hit the ground,
where are they?.
Troopers Panic.
dive behind the wall.
Safe for now,
together one and all.
Hearts racing fast,
eyes open wide.
frozen with fear,
comrades each side.
it's his job,
to find a way.
to kill this foe,
carry the day.
to put his head
above that wall.
take the shot,
save them all.
more shots fired,
comes their way.
bullets hit the dirt,
a steady spray.
enemy'll keep at this,
they see no shame.
This is war!.
it's brutal.........it's not a game.
our solider is frozen,
Mom's brave guy.
He has courage,
is ready to die.
shot is loaded
ready for his kill.
find his foe,
God willing he will.
he holds his nerve,
takes a deep breath.
he's ready now
to cause someone else's death.
looks around,
see's his friends.
he must do this,
their lives depends.
a shot comes,
gives him his range.
safety off....
pressure finger...time to engage.
he leaps up....
takes his aim,
sees his shot.
enemy's in range.
second sniper's hidden,
lying in wait,
pulls his trigger,
seals our troopers fate.
the kill was clean,
the shot was good.
their aim to confuse,
this they understood.
our soldier down,
he didn't know.
he's now a proud picture
on the sideboard at home.
2015 popoetry
This poem hit home for me, my brother is a disabled Iraq veteran. I really liked the shortness of each stanza, it gave the feeling of how fast combat can be. That's race, there's no time for completely correct grammar, you're just thinking of saving your buddies. I do think that the line "is ready to die" should be tweaked a little to "he's ready to die," as the repitition drives home the significance of the statement. Overall, I appreciated it, it made melt thoughts go to my brother.
|
