Nuns With Guns.

[Mad Matt]

There's nuns with guns, they're ready to fight,
Fight till we all see the light,
They'll fight for the right for priests and their chums
To help themselves to choirboy's bums.
There's nuns with guns, they're standing tall,
Until they've brought God's love to us all.
They'll fight for the right for an unwed mother
To have her kid ripped away and given to another.
There's nuns with guns, they're ready for war.
God's the one they're fighting for.
They'll fight for the right for all those gays,
To get stoned to death for their unnatural ways.
There's nuns with guns, they're ready for action,
Killing the sinners the main attraction.
They'll fight for the right for the poor to be poor,
So they get to heaven when they reach deaths door.
There's nuns with guns, they're itching to fight,
Cos they are convinced that they are right.
They'll fight for the right for a Moslem to die,
Because they think their religion is based on a lie.
There's nuns with gun, they hate everyone,
They hate everyone who's having fun
They'll fight for the right for us to be miserable as well,
So we can avoid their made up hell.
There's nuns with guns, but the guns ain't loaded,
Now that religion has become outmoded.
They'll fight for the right to be stuck in the past
Cos they know that religion just wont last.

Matt, please comply with the rules of this forum:

- Only post here if you post at least one considered, suitably detailed comment on someone else's poem in this or another critique forum before posting a poem of your own.

Thanks, ella/mod

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

Kind of hoping this is satire and sarcasm, honestly, because if not, it's terrifying, which I suspect is the message you're going for anyways. If you ARE being sincere with what you're saying in this poem, then let it be known that this approach has good shock factor for a first read, but then upon further readings, sounds like a boy in 8th-10th grade in his anarchy phase, trying to Rage Against the Machine and Stick It to the Man.
If you were TRYING to sound like one of those boys to point out how ridiculous they're being, then good job.

[Animal Riots Activist]

Simply put: it sounds like you had a very bad experience at a christian summer camp. There's a very sing-songy feel to this poem, which makes it a bit ridiculous (which I think you're definitely going for) and it's kind of a goofy read which I always think is great. However, it is somewhat lacking in subtly (also intentional, I think) and nuance, which makes for a highly predictable read. From about line 4, I didn't feel I needed to read anymore because I knew exactly what was coming (I did read it all though), and I was right. Regardless of how silly you're going for, that doesn't make for good poetry. I would suggest an inversion on your idea somewhere in the poem, or actually put the poem in Iambic pentameter. That will help the sing-songyness along, the rhyme will be significantly stronger, and it will feel a little less childish. Definitely got a good idea to work with (I too dislike religious justification of any sort), but the execution is somewhat sloppy. I was going to comment that Snarlings crit was a bit harsh, but honestly "mild critique" should not mean "be nice" necessarily.

[Grace]

There's nuns with guns, they're ready to fight,
Fight till we all see the light,
They'll fight for the right for priests and their chums
To help themselves to choirboy's bums.
There's nuns with guns, they're standing tall,
Until they've brought God's love to us all.
They'll fight for the right for an unwed mother
To have her kid ripped away and given to another.
There's nuns with guns, they're ready for war.
God's the one they're fighting for.
They'll fight for the right for all those gays,
To get stoned to death for their unnatural ways.
There's nuns with guns, they're ready for action,
Killing the sinners the main attraction.
They'll fight for the right for the poor to be poor,
So they get to heaven when they reach deaths door.
There's nuns with guns, they're itching to fight,
Cos they are convinced that they are right.
They'll fight for the right for a Moslem to die,
Because they think their religion is based on a lie.
There's nuns with gun, they hate everyone,
They hate everyone who's having fun
They'll fight for the right for us to be miserable as well,
So we can avoid their made up hell.
There's nuns with guns, but the guns ain't loaded,
Now that religion has become outmoded.
They'll fight for the right to be stuck in the past
Cos they know that religion just wont last.

Hi, to be honest, this reads like a poem that's mocking another poem (a serious one)  about nuns with guns.
The mocking element, combined with shocking images, on a loop, may cause a reader to zone out, because it starts getting "samey" after the second repeat.  HOWEVER..you've got the makings of a good poem here..
A suggestion might be to put in metre and make it sing like a hymn in a catholic school. ("Fight the good fight with all thy might"..)  which would give it an ominous undertone. .

[Erthona]

Personally I prefer "Nude Nuns with Big Guns" (2010 movie). Why is there a period after your title?

I suppose one could say this is written in accentual verse, where only the accents are counted. Example

There's nuns with guns, they're ready to fight,
Fight till we all see the light,
They'll fight for the right for priests and their chums
To help themselves to choirboy's bums.

Of course there are several time you fall off this four accented line. Such as this line that has five accents.

"To have her kid ripped away and given to another."

Using rhyming couplets with a poem this long becomes like a ball peen hammer to the temple. Not really a prudent choice.

Overall it doesn't really matter that this is ambiguous, it is still sophomoric, driven as it is more by the rhyme (as can be seen by the forced rhymes) than by a cohesive thought. It's like one says, I shall make a soup, but then pays little heed to the ingredients, just grabbing whatever is close to hand. As one would expect with the outcome of the soup, so to is the poem.  

I dislike not being able to find anything positive to say. I guess on a remedial level you are capable of writing a sentence, with minor exceptions: "There's nuns with guns"  plural singular disagreement. Should be "there are" not "there is". You can rhyme well enough and generally hold to an accentual line. All good, there are many who cannot accomplish that. I like your effort and I am sure you had fun with the rhymes. I write because I feel compelled, but also because I enjoy it. It is always good to get enjoyment from your writing, even if no one else does (I've experienced that a lot ).

Anyway, this is much too long of a critique for this forum, so please feel free to ignore any and all of it if you wish.

Best,

Dale  

[Mr. Creosote]

The subject matter makes people uncomfortable in my opinion.  I have rarely seen such vehement denunciation on this site.  Is it a good poem, maybe not.  Is it worth this level of criticism.  I am sure that it doesn't.  To me it is a fun little romp through the contradictions of religion...much like the anti-Christian part of the French revolution without actually defacing church property.

Please critique the poem, not the other critiques, this is a rules violation.   mod