Posts: 19
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2015
The Wilderness of Your Mind
I'll repudiate proofs,
Trip up on truths,
And scour the field of your mind;
Amidst the grass so long,
And the sun so strong,
I'm sure somewhere,
what I seek,
I will find.
And whilst you peer
Through the reeds of reverie,
I will delve deeper.
Gone are the fields,
Here is the jungle.
Thick trunks with
Vivacious vines of past times,
Swirling around their branches
So wide, yet so benign,
Prevent my prying,
Cloud my conscience.
So many trees of thought -
So little time!
A sudden snap of a twig
Makes my stomach sick.
Could it be
A panther, preying in the mist
Of your mind,
Or a lion, ready to fight
For your lies,
Or a snake, slithering,
ready to bite.
Alas, it was nothing.
Still nothing,
To find.
As my hope
Wears thin,
My courage abates,
For the night draws near
And soon you might wake.
If you ever found out,
I'd be coloured conceit;
For Nothing is ever found,
No lies, no deceit.
Posts: 462
Threads: 384
Joined: Sep 2014
Many of the rhyming lines feel like filler that haven't been thought out very well. They also give it a bouncy feel that doesn't quite fit the tone of the poem. You could take all of those out. See if anything else comes to mind in their place.
Posts: 33
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2015
(04-15-2015, 08:35 AM)Bananadon Wrote: The Wilderness of Your Mind
I'll repudiate proofs,
Trip up on truths,
And scour the field of your mind;
Amidst the grass so long,
And the sun so strong,
I'm sure somewhere,
what I seek,
I will find.
And whilst you peer
Through the reeds of reverie,
I will delve deeper.
Gone are the fields,
Here is the jungle.
Thick trunks with
Vivacious vines of past times,
Swirling around their branches
So wide, yet so benign,
Prevent my prying,
Cloud my conscience.
So many trees of thought -
So little time!
A sudden snap of a twig
Makes my stomach sick.
Could it be
A panther, preying in the mist
Of your mind,
Or a lion, ready to fight
For your lies,
Or a snake, slithering,
ready to bite.
Alas, it was nothing.
Still nothing,
To find.
As my hope
Wears thin,
My courage abates,
For the night draws near
And soon you might wake.
If you ever found out,
I'd be coloured conceit;
For Nothing is ever found,
No lies, no deceit.
I think that you have a really great metaphor going, the mind being a jungle or field, and you do a good job, it just needs a little work. The stanzas are far too long. You could shorten this poem a ton and make it alot stronger, using only the lines that really get the point across. And also, your missing a rythm or flow to this. If read aloud, it doesnt really flow very well. And i really like your word choice with things like abated, deceit, and repudiate, prying, all these words really work, you just need to shorten this alot and focus on that strength. With any sort of edit, this poem would improve immensly.
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Jan 2015
I also like the metaphor that you are painting in this one, it works very well. The problem is, as others have said, is the filler. There are simply too many words that don't evoke the meaning that your are trying to make them evoke. At times the rhyme scheme seems to be a tad forced, perhaps that is why there is some filler in this poem. Don't try to force rhyme where it doesn't work, sometimes not rhyming is just as beautiful and can evoke a more powerful meaning.
Posts: 19
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2015
Thank you all for the feedback. In hindsight, this poem is most definitley filled with lots of useless lines; I am currently working on an edit and will post it when complete. Thanks.
Posts: 19
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2015
(05-02-2015, 02:19 AM)shorexline Wrote: I loved this poem. I find a lot of connections to nature in my writing too, maybe because it's so inspirational. Is this poem about trust in a relationship? I immediately thought of some people's tendency to invade partners' privacy for validation of their mistrust. I think the last stanza was what made me think of this - not wanting your partner to "wake up" to catch you rummaging through their past... if so, the imagery of the mind as a wild jungle is really wonderful.
Yeah you are completely correct. Thanks a lot for your feedback!
Posts: 7
Threads: 2
Joined: May 2015
(04-15-2015, 08:35 AM)Bananadon Wrote: The Wilderness of Your Mind
I'll repudiate proofs,
Trip up on truths,
And scour the field of your mind;
Amidst the grass so long,
And the sun so strong,
I'm sure somewhere,
what I seek,
I will find.
And whilst you peer
Through the reeds of reverie,
I will delve deeper.
Gone are the fields,
Here is the jungle.
Thick trunks with
Vivacious vines of past times,
Swirling around their branches
So wide, yet so benign,
Prevent my prying,
Cloud my conscience.
So many trees of thought -
So little time!
A sudden snap of a twig
Makes my stomach sick.
Could it be
A panther, preying in the mist
Of your mind,
Or a lion, ready to fight
For your lies,
Or a snake, slithering,
ready to bite.
Alas, it was nothing.
Still nothing,
To find.
As my hope
Wears thin,
My courage abates,
For the night draws near
And soon you might wake.
If you ever found out,
I'd be coloured conceit;
For Nothing is ever found,
No lies, no deceit.
hey!
i think i'm really mostly going to be repeating what others have been saying here, but i totally agree that this poem would be MUCH stronger if you cut it down. there is a lot of potential for a complicated tone here that i think you have yet to achieve, mainly (imo) due to the "bouncy" nature of the poem, as someone said. it might be the rhyme scheme or maybe just the fact that you have yet to cut the poem down. i would definitely start with taking lines out that are unnecessary. by that i mean lines that would not change the meaning of the poem if they didn't exist. it can be hard to see which lines to cut as the writer, i think, but if you read it out loud i think that will help a lot. there's a sort of limerick-y, dr. seuss type vibe to the rhyming right now that i think you should experience by reading aloud. the poem would be stronger without it.
thanks!
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