Im No Hercules

[hopefularahant]

I'm No Hercules v2

Who dares challenge father-god Zeus?
Diety of the cloud?
Within his grasp lies lightning strong,
enthroned, he sits so proud

And whome would swim to Poseidon?
To try his trident rue?
Her rides upon great steeds of foam,
with mood he makes storms brew.

Tell who would play to Apollo,
with hopes to best his art?
Patron protector of poets,
with bow and deadly dart.

A mere mortal, I cannot stand,
to dieties as these.
The pantheon stands much too strong,
and I'm no Hercules.

Origional

Who dares challenge father-god Zeus?
Deity of the cloud?
Within his grasp lies lightning strong,
Throned, he sits so proud.

And whom would swim to Poseidon?
To try his trident true?
He rides upon great steeds of foam,
With mood he makes storms brew.

Tell who would play to Apollo,
With hopes to best his art?
Patron protector of poets,
With bow and deadly dart

I mere mortal, I cannot stand,
To deities as these.
The pantheon stands much too strong,
And I'm no Hercules

[billy]

i like light hearted poetry that makes me smile. that aside you have a few problems. last line of the first verse is off meter. you could say [When throned he sits so proud]

while the poem doesn't have a lot of strength i don't think it needs it. a little more thought maybe but as a poem it does it's job, at least for me, it cracked a smile. a bit wordy but again i'm not sure it matters with this type of poem.

I'm No Hercules

Who dares challenge father-god Zeus?
Deity of the cloud?
Within his grasp lies lightning strong,
Throned, he sits so proud. i like this, i picture Zeus on the shitter

And whom would swim to Poseidon?
To try his trident true?
He rides upon great steeds of foam,
With mood he makes storms brew.

Tell who would play to Apollo,
With hopes to best his art?
Patron protector of poets, possibly 1 pee to many for me.i just struggle to read it without spoiling the rhythm]
With bow and deadly dart

I mere mortal, I cannot stand, the two [I's] feels a bit too much, can it be rephrased possibly change the first I to [A] i also want to say mere as one syllable but that could just be me. 
To deities as these. deity/deities...can one of them be changed for the sake of repetition?
The pantheon stands much too strong,
And I'm no Hercules i love this last line. it rounds the poem off and takes away any ambiguity about the poem being light hearted.

[hopefularahant]

Thanks for reading! And i realize now i was mispronouncing "throned" all along so thanks for catching that, ill change it in my next revision. And i can definitely make the other changes you pointed out, i appreciate it!

[summermoose]

Nice poem! I really liked how it flowed and that you kept it short so as not to overdo the idea.

To fix the double use of "I" perhaps you can use "Merely mortal, I cannot stand"

Also just as a note, for me, the last stanza initially didn't read as well as the others particularly the

"To deities as these.
The pantheon stands much too strong,"

But after a couple reads I think I understood the rhythm you were going for and it was great.

[Erthona]

 (generally)Written in Ballad meter, alternating lines of iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter with an XAXA rhyme pattern in Quatrains.

Who dares challenge father-god Zeus?   A line of trochee?
De-i-ty of the cloud?                                (should actually be sky, he was not god of the clouds)
Within his grasp lies lightning strong,
(Enthroned), he sits so proud.              (First two actual lines of ballad meter)

And whom would swim to Poseidon?  (Should have 4 stressed syllables, never two unstressed together)
To try his trident true?                        (good line of iambic trimeter)
He rides upon great steeds of foam,
With mood he makes storms brew.    (Not sure the last line makes a lot of sense, but the last two lines are ballad meter)

And so on...


Seems an awfully long way to get to the punch line at the end. This is written like the writer wrote the whole poem just so he would have a reason for the last line. Little other consideration seems to have been made for the rest of the poem. As it is a humorous poem (more or less), such manipulation is generally acceptable, but this is the only type of piece in which it would be acceptable. Still, it would be better to strive for some depth, rather than the rote treatment of the three gods. Here is this god, this is what he does, would you dare challenge him?  Repeat three times.
The meter, obviously, is all over the place. While some looseness in meter is acceptable in a humorous poem, the meter here which at times is non-existent is completely disruptive to the reading. This is something that must be corrected.

You have picked a good meter to practice with, Ballad Meter is one of the more simpler forms of formal poetry. Probably the easiest metered form is iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets. That might be another form to practice on. Try looking up the words in the dictionary and seeing if they are accented/stressed or not. Oftentimes small words will be unaccented or neutral. Neutral words can be either stressed or unstressed depending on what words are around them. Although these types of guidelines will not allow you to master meter (if there is such a thing), they are a good place to start.

The joke was clever and I am sure a number of people will find it humorous.

Welcome to the site,

Dale 

[Entenzahn]

I like the idea here but for a poem that's supposed to make you, a mere mortal, look puny in comparison to the Gods I think you could beef them up a little. Use some grandiose language. I want to feel the awe of these mighty deities.

In that vein, I'd also consider replacing Apollo with someone else. Where Zeus and Poseidon produce clear images (God of Thunder, God of the Seas), he comes off kinda muddled (patron of the arts and professional darts player). I'd either focus on his artistry or pick a God with a more clear-cut and impressive domain.

I'm No Hercules

Who dares challenge father-god Zeus? One syllable too many - can probably cut the "-god"
Deity of the cloud?
Within his grasp lies lightning strong,
Throned, he sits so proud.
I now have the image of Zeus sitting on the throne and holding a lightning in his hand

And whom would swim to Poseidon? The way you normally emphasize Poseidon makes this sound weird in my head. "And who'd swim to Poseidon" works better for me.
To try his trident true?
He rides upon great steeds of foam, cool
With mood he makes storms brew. Awkwardly worded
This is the best one - I imagine Poseidon surfing massive waves with his trident pointed forward. What a bro.

Tell who would play to Apollo,
With hopes to best his art?
Patron protector of poets, I stumble here - too many syllables
With bow and deadly dart
In my head Apollo throws darts and is kind of a dweeb.

I mere mortal, I cannot stand,
To deities as these.
The pantheon stands much too strong, On close inspection the double "stand" trips me up, but tbh I didn't notice it when I went through this part at normal speed
And I'm no Hercules This ending line is wonderful, however
This is not a very visual stanza. However, the rhythm works really well and the ending line is a nice payoff

[Erthona]

I know we aren't suppose to comment on other posters comments, but I like the idea and wanted to through some names in the hat.

"I'd either focus on his artistry or pick a God with a more clear-cut and impressive domain."

That would be Hades. They were brothers you know and are the three most powerful gods in the Greek pantheon. Of course Hera is pretty scary and Aphrodite is the scariest of the bunch. No god can screw you over as badly as she can.
That's kind of silly, but I do like Hades as a choice.

dale