Red White and Blue

[Deadrise]

Red white and blue the cardinal and the jay,
crows dressed in black are more fitting today.

Under ghost grey she hangs limp at half mast
as two rows of three escort him past.

Breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack,
those twenty four notes will not bring him back.

Red white and blue is now folded by six
a gift for a loss that nothing can fix.

[SameName]

why was it beautiful, how did it paint such a pic for you, try and give a bit more of yourself in the feedback as to how/why the poem affects you as it does. in general we need a bit more from feedback/mod

Red white and blue the cardinal and the jay,
crows dressed in black are more fitting today.

Under ghost grey she hangs limp at half mast
as two rows of three escort him past.

Breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack,
those twenty four notes will not bring him back.

Red white and blue is now folded by six
a gift for a loss that nothing can fix.

this poem paints a beautiful picture, very descriptive for the length. but I was a little lost with the "twenty four notes"

[Deadrise]

Hello SameName,

Thank you for the reply. There are 24 notes in Taps.

[just mercedes]

You show a military funeral, and leave your readers to supply their own responses to the sadness. I like the way the flag is a major part of the poem, more so than the (presumed) widow. At least, I'm supposing that the shoulders belong to a human, and not a personification of the flag. I think your way of dealing with this subject is very effective.

[hopefularahant]

Red white and blue, the cardinal and the jay,
crows <<should this be crowds? I was slightly confuseddressed in black are more fitting today.

Under ghost grey she hangs limp at half mast
as two rows of three escort him past.

Breath through the bugle,her shoulders fall slack,
those twenty four notes will not bring him back.

Red white and blue is now folded by six
a gift for a loss that nothing can fix.

though i understand that this is a military funeral, i still felt very little at reading this poem, the lines didnt bring me to any sort of emotion.  Also, some of your lines are written in dactyl, (red white and blue is now folded by six) (breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack) though others are not.  It takes away from the rythm.  Theres alot of great directions this poem could go, if you add a meter to more lines, and maybe a stanza or two with more feeling. Though take my words with a grain of salt

[Deadrise]

mm

You show a military funeral, and leave your readers to supply their own responses to the sadness. I like the way the flag is a major part of the poem, more so than the (presumed) widow. At least, I'm supposing that the shoulders belong to a human, and not a personification of the flag. I think your way of dealing with this subject is very effective.

Hello Mercedes,

Thank you for the kind words. Yes the shoulders are those of the widow as Taps plays. Those 24 notes are like a punch in the gut when you hear them at a funeral.

[just mercedes]

mm

You show a military funeral, and leave your readers to supply their own responses to the sadness. I like the way the flag is a major part of the poem, more so than the (presumed) widow. At least, I'm supposing that the shoulders belong to a human, and not a personification of the flag. I think your way of dealing with this subject is very effective.

Hello Mercedes,

Thank you for the kind words. Yes the shoulders are those of the widow as Taps plays. Those 24 notes are like a punch in the gut when you hear them at a funeral.

Yes, Taps was played at my father's funeral, and I can't hear it now without being there again.

[Deadrise]

Red white and blue, the cardinal and the jay,
crows <<should this be crowds? I was slightly confuseddressed in black are more fitting today.

The crows represent death and a crowd dressed in black. The cardinal and the Jay in their bright and cheery dress are inappropriate for the day.

though i understand that this is a military funeral, i still felt very little at reading this poem, the lines didnt bring me to any sort of emotion.  Also, some of your lines are written in dactyl, (red white and blue is now folded by six) (breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack) though others are not.  It takes away from the rythm.  Theres alot of great directions this poem could go, if you add a meter to more lines, and maybe a stanza or two with more feeling.  Though take my words with a grain of salt

Hello hopefularahant

Thank you for the feedback, I appreciated you taking the time to read and reply.
I will attempt to add a stanza at the end that speaks of hope which could be represented by the cardinal, Jay and flag.

[Erthona]

Deadrise,


Red white and blue the cardinal and the jay,   "Red white and blue the cardinal and the jay,"
crows dressed in black are more fitting today.

Under ghost grey she hangs limp at half mast    Is this the flag? If it is it is, it is easily confused with the "her" two lines down.
as two rows of three escort him past.                Seems to be missing a foot


Breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack,
those twenty four notes will not bring him back.

Red white and blue is now folded by six    Red white and blue is now folded by six
a gift for a loss that nothing can fix.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I do not think it is undeserved criticism to point out, especially in light of the flag later on, that the reader would initially think the red, white and blue referred to the flag, despite the reference to the bluejay, cardinal and crow. It is also unfortunate that the bird metaphor is abruptly dropped instead of being extended throughout the poem, as it could easily be.
I question the order in: "Breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack".    As it is easy to conclude that the "breath" is coming through her shoulders. Plus this seems solely done in order that the two lines come out correctly, so it is similar in mechanism to a forced rhyme.
Then once again, the red, white and blue is identified with the flag which might cause the reader to reevaluate what that meant initially and cause confusion in the initial two lines, thus putting the casting the poem in a light that it was not meant to be in.

I think the idea is a solid one, archetypal even, as it has been dealt with often (although not so often as to become trite or cliche) in poetry as well as prose, not to mention in  the theatre. One of the older motifs is the fisherman's wife waiting for him to return and he never does, yet she continues to go down to the sea every day. This usage is more modern (Taps, introduced circa 1862) as it incorporates "Taps" into it's framework. I doubt there is any other music that so captures the poignancy and loneliness as does Taps.  

Look forward to future revisions,

Dale

[10BIT]

Red white and blue the cardinal and the jay,
crows dressed in black are more fitting today.

Under ghost grey she hangs limp at half mast
as two rows of three escort him past.

Breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack,
those twenty four notes will not bring him back.

Red white and blue is now folded by six
a gift for a loss that nothing can fix.


Very nice imagery you have here!
I really like the contrast of crows to the cardinal and the jay as it immediately paints the image in your head.
Additionally i enjoy the rythm of your poem as it feels like a song a group of sailors would chant.
This, for me, is clearly seen in the second stanza.

I really enjoyed the read!
Thanks for sharing.