"De amicitia"

[kreichert]

“De amicitia”ǂ (Revision)

In the early morning
before eyes comprehend daylight,
I travel at synaptic speed
recalling,
deconstructing,
reimagining,
that which could never be,
yet still prowls the borders of my memory.
In our youth,
when time was eternal,
the curtains would briefly part
offering unfocused glimpses,
gifts of tomorrow
wrapped in translucence.

Wearing glasses
coated in the shimmering sheen of ignorance,
we spoke in black and white,
and robed ourselves
in creeds, in piety, in dogma, in
certainty.
Together we disintegrated in centrifugal rays
impelled forth as the remnants of an expiring star,
colliding with both the achievable and insurmountable,
concurrently luminous and lackluster,
drinking apocryphal water from the wells of truth
as life
evolved into lives.
Constrained by reality and grasping
for a humanity not yet ours,
echoing the words of Cicero,
“Esse quam videri.”*

*”To be, rather than to seem.”
ǂ On Friendship – A treatise by Cicero, Chapter 98




“De amicitia”ǂ

In the early morning
before eyes comprehend daylight,
while quiet rules the nether kingdom of dreams,
a mind travels at synaptic speed
recalling,
deconstructing,
reimagining,
that which could never be, but…
may have been, if only I could remember.
During our youth,
when time was eternal,
the curtains would briefly part
offering unfocused glimpses
of that which we imagined in our play.
Wearing glasses
coated in the shimmering sheen of unknown ignorance,
we spoke in black and white,
and robed in creeds, in piety, in dogma, in…certainty.
Together we disintegrated in centrifugal rays
impelled forth as the remnants of an expiring star,
colliding with the achievable and insurmountable,
concurrently luminous and lackluster,
drinking apocryphal water from the wells of truth
as life
evolved into lives.
Constrained by reality and the humanity to which we still aspire,
echoing the words of Cicero,
“Esse quam videri.”*

*”To be, rather than to seem.”
ǂ On Friendship – A treatise by Cicero, Chapter 98

[Magnum]

To me as a normal person reading this, I find it complicated. I'm lost in exactly what you're trying to say because of your usage of words that are not common, such as "synaptic", apocryphal", "nether". I personally would have to grab a dictionary to see exactly what you're trying to say. You also say "during our youth". Are you speaking of two or more of you? Who are those other "our youth" people? Otherwise, I think you are well educated, but if you are trying to reach the masses with the understanding of this, I would make it more simple for the layman...

[Leanne]

“De amicitia”ǂ

In the early morning
before eyes comprehend daylight,
while quiet rules the nether kingdom of dreams,  -- this line is cumbersome and probably unnecessary.  Taking it out does not damage the poem.  (My dreams are quite noisy and they always wake me up  )
a mind travels at synaptic speed -- minds always do.  Perhaps simply "I travel at synaptic speed".  
recalling,
deconstructing,
reimagining,
that which could never be, but… -- the ellipsis is distracting and unnecessary
may have been, if only I could remember. -- very tell-y line -- what about something like "that squats at the edge of my memory"?
During our youth, -- "during" is awkward -- why not just "in"?
when time was eternal,
the curtains would briefly part
offering unfocused glimpses
of that which we imagined in our play. -- this is another cumbersome line -- consider imagery instead of telling
Wearing glasses
coated in the shimmering sheen of unknown ignorance, -- unknown ignorance is tautological
we spoke in black and white,
and robed in creeds, in piety, in dogma, in…certainty. -- consider removing the ellipsis, breaking after dogma (maybe with a colon) and putting certainty by itself on the next line
Together we disintegrated in centrifugal rays
impelled forth as the remnants of an expiring star, -- I like these two lines a lot
colliding with the achievable and insurmountable, -- because these are opposites, you might try "colliding with both achievable and insurmountable"
concurrently luminous and lackluster,
drinking apocryphal water from the wells of truth -- nice!
as life
evolved into lives.
Constrained by reality and the humanity to which we still aspire, -- this is awkward, not doing justice to the lovely images that precede it.  Perhaps even "constrained by reality and a humanity not yet ours"?
echoing the words of Cicero,
“Esse quam videri.”*

*”To be, rather than to seem.”
ǂ On Friendship – A treatise by Cicero, Chapter 98

Hi K -- some really good metaphysics and philosophy blended together, which gets the brain ticking over, but it's not quite enough due to some of your relatively prosaic phrasing.  You would be well served by fewer words -- not simpler, mind you, because I do believe it's important to use the full extent of your vocabulary and choose precisely the right word to impart the idea you're reaching for.  It's largely a matter of injecting more imagery in a slightly less didactic manner.  It will come, though.  I enjoyed the read, thank you.

[hopefularahant]

“De amicitia”ǂ   (Revision)
In the early morning
before eyes comprehend daylight,
I travel at synaptic speed
recalling,
deconstructing,
reimagining,
that which could never be,
yet still prowls the borders of my memory.  
In our youth,
when time was eternal,
the curtains would briefly part
offering unfocused glimpses,
gifts of tomorrow
wrapped in translucence.
Wearing glasses
coated in the shimmering sheen of ignorance,
we spoke in black and white,
and robed ourselves
in creeds, in piety, in dogma, in
certainty.
Together we disintegrated in centrifugal rays
impelled forth as the remnants of an expiring star,
colliding with both the achievable and insurmountable,
concurrently luminous and lackluster,
drinking apocryphal water from the wells of truth
as life
evolved into lives.
Constrained by reality and grasping
for a humanity not yet ours,
echoing the words of Cicero,
“Esse quam videri.”*
*”To be, rather than to seem.”
ǂ On Friendship – A treatise by Cicero, Chapter 98
“De amicitia”ǂ
In the early morning
before eyes comprehend daylight,
while quiet rules the nether kingdom of dreams,
a mind travels at synaptic speed
recalling,
deconstructing,
reimagining,
that which could never be, but…
may have been, if only I could remember.
During our youth,
when time was eternal,
the curtains would briefly part
offering unfocused glimpses
of that which we imagined in our play.
Wearing glasses
coated in the shimmering sheen of unknown ignorance,
we spoke in black and white,
and robed in creeds, in piety, in dogma, in…certainty.
Together we disintegrated in centrifugal rays
impelled forth as the remnants of an expiring star,
colliding with the achievable and insurmountable,
concurrently luminous and lackluster,
drinking apocryphal water from the wells of truth
as life
evolved into lives.
Constrained by reality and the humanity to which we still aspire,
echoing the words of Cicero,
“Esse quam videri.”*
*”To be, rather than to seem.”
ǂ On Friendship – A treatise by Cicero, Chapter 98

Seeing as i do not nearly have half the vocabulary you do, i understood almost none of this poem. Lines like
Together we disintegrated in centrifugal rays
impelled forth as the remnants of an expiring star,
colliding with both the achievable and insurmountable,
concurrently luminous and lackluster,
drinking apocryphal water from the wells of truth
as life
The only meaning i gained from this was to demonstrate an enourmous grasp of the english dictionary. And (more of an off the record opinion than a critique) i personally enjoy poetry more with some kind of governing foot or meter. Back to critiques, since I(and most of the world) have not read the treatise you quote, the last line ,and arguably the whole poem, flys over my head. Though i do thank you for introducing me to some creative new words. Take this how you will.

[Erthona]

I have little problem with the first stanza.

Wearing glasses
coated in the shimmering sheen of ignorance,   ("tinted in ignorance")
we spoke in black and white,
and robed ourselves ("and clothed ourselves" robed often seems problematic for the reader. It is a complaint I have heard often in the past)
in creeds, in piety, in dogma, in
certainty.                                              ("in creeds, piety, dogma and certainty.")
Together we disintegrated in centrifugal rays  (I fail to see how this can apply unless you are trying to imply that the "rays" are all the youths. Still it seems poorly handled.)
impelled forth as the remnants of an expiring star,
colliding with both the achievable and insurmountable,
concurrently luminous and lackluster,
drinking apocryphal water from the wells of truth
as life
evolved into lives.   (In other words "we" live provincial lives, then go into the wider world and get smacked by realities of life. This needs to be shown not told, especially as this idea is well covered ground.)
Constrained by reality and grasping
for a humanity not yet ours,  (Seems like you are just throwing words together to get to the Cicero quote.)
echoing the words of Cicero,
“Esse quam videri.”*
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Although there are some technical things wrong with the poem, I do not think that is it's failing. This seems to be that the poem runs out of steam, so to speak, in the latter half and becomes unnecessarily wordy, but says little, as opposed to the first half which was a pertinent and concise extended metaphor. The line of demarcation seemed to be between talking about youth and talking about facing the realities of life. I am uncertain if this occurs because the writer is simply unable to come up with a similar metaphor as was in the first stanza, if the inspiration simply ran out, or if the author is simply lacking in the necessary experience to be able to follow through. Of course the first two are not easy to resolve as both involve the creative process, so it is not something one can think their way out of. The third involves needing more experience which could take years. Hopefully it is none of these and just an inaccuracy in word usage. Regardless, the trouble starts with "Together we disintegrated in centrifugal rays". Firstly why use such a metaphor, and secondly, light (rays) would not be effected by centrifugal forces any more than it is effected by gravity. The only reason light might appear to be effected by gravity is that massive objects bends space and light follows the straightest route, i.e., the curved space. I did do a search on "centrifugal rays" and the first thing that came up was this poem, "De amicitia”.  Beyond that were a few pictures of "centrifugal rays". I do not think this is a very well known idea and "radial rays" better describes what you are talking about, at least it doesn't involve a contradiction. The point is the idea that is trying to be made, that is rays extending outward from a common center in straight lines,  did not come across with the wording of  "centrifugal rays". The thing is a substitute could easily be had that does not confuse and is more appropriate to the topic. Something like:

We spread out like the rays of the sun, full of energy, yet having no idea where we were heading.

Of course a better metaphor could hardly help what follows:

"...colliding with both the achievable and insurmountable, concurrently luminous and lackluster, drinking apocryphal water from the wells of truth as life evolved into lives."

Aside from this being seemingly endless, there are several problematic parts.  "apocryphal" = false; spurious. i.e.,  

"drinking false water from the wells of truth"  -this seems somewhat contradictory-

"as life evolved into lives"   This does not seem to refer to anything in this poem, nor even if it did, would it be a pertinent statement? Anything living has a life, so life and lives are pretty much inseparable. If it was written correctly as "lives evolved from life" does that make sense? The response would probably be, "Yeah, and...?" 

For the purpose of the poem, a different translation of the Cicero quote might work better:  "To be, rather than to pretend."

Although the idea of a single "humanity" seems very much from a position of being on the outside and looking in, as this is some idealization that does not exists. It is possible that the writer is confusing humanity with empathy. The speaker already has humanity if he/she is human, regardless of age. Humanity does not mean we are more truthful to ourselves or others, in fact lying is a very human trait.  In the future I would suggest looking up any word of which there is uncertainty, as several words in this poem are used incorrectly, and some are used in disregard to the definition of the word.

Dale