SECOND EDIT: Sermon on the Destruction of Icons

[RiverNotch]

SECOND EDIT:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion 


From Eve in vines about her legs
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull teem with lice. These first four lines are so good! I'm a bit bothered by what sounds to me as a mildly awkward internal rhyme at this last line, but I don't think that's a problem that could, or should, be addressed. I'm also a bit bothered by the fact that, at least from how I read this, and from what I remember of Bible school, you're referring to idol worship at the time of Eve: Biblically speaking, they still knew and worshipped the one God at this time, and the fact that the laws at this point have yet been codified sort of bothers me even more. If you're trying to make a real forceful theological piece, you should try to be more accurate with your rhetoric, at least.

The Christ Himself a sack of rice, Christ sounds like a real heavy boy here. *laughs a bit*
Held in his mother's drooping arms, "Drooping" is weird for me, here. A mother would not carry her baby with weak arms, and all those images of Mary I keep seeing show her as a real proper mother. A different adjective would be better here. Of course, you may be just trying to show something here with that word, like the inherent weakness of pagan idols or something, but if so, then I don't buy it.
Will grease your eyes in Roman homes. I would go for a colon instead of a period here, just to show that the thought continues.
God is not blind to ancient charms.

These are the idols John warned us "John warned us" is such an awkward, awkward ending, and I usually here people referring to John Calvin by his last name rather than his first. 
might damn our poor flock's naive hearts. "naive hearts" is also pretty awkward, since naive is such a, er, fluid word, that even though each syllable is distinct, the two sound more like one, at least for me.
If hammers be the rage of Christ[comma] Also, "rage of Christ" is just not something I feel would be appropriate here. Rather go for something more appropriate to his character, you know? Then again, he did get sort of angry at the Temple/Marketplace thing, but still...rage is just too strong a word here.
We all must break these pagan arts. And this line feels like a dud. Doesn't have the same sense of power or, er, poetic clarity as the rest of this, and I'm sure this could be reworded something better.

The elders preached in rooms of stone,
Down aisles built for yearning sheep. These two lines evoke a very strong sense of magnificent humility that is really, really good! One problem, though: aisle is monosyllabic. Your meter's off. Maybe tunnels or apses or hallways would be better? And, I dunno, the affirmation here that they preached without idols is not that strong, for me, but that's another problem I don't think you have to address.
The rocks that make their tombs will say:
A heart of Rome will find no sleep. I prefer using a comma and quotation marks here, but that's really rather arbitrary. Also, "A Roman heart" sounds ages clearer, I think.

[Leah S.]

SECOND EDIT:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull teem with lice. What brass bull? You start out with clear and elegant images of classical art, but where the heck is the brass bull coming from? Are you thinking of the Golden Calf that the Israelites worshipped? If it's the Brazen Bull the Greeks used to execute criminals, that's really coming from left field, and has nothing to do with Christian iconography. (and Yes, I Googled it.....sorry.)
The Christ Himself a sack of rice,
Held in his mother's drooping arms,If you're thinking of the Pieta, it's Christ who is drooping. Mary is pretty strong. I like the sack of rice image. I'd lose the capital on "Himself" unless you're being deliberately facetious.
Will grease your eyes in Roman homes. Sorry, I don't immediately associate "Roman" with "Roman Catholic" so I struggled to get out of the triclinium. Not sure about 'grease your eyes'.
God is not blind to ancient charms.
These are the idols John warned us Calvin, or the Apostle?
might damn our poor flock's naive hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ Where did that come from? The only weapon Jesus used (as far as I know) was a whip.
We all must break these pagan arts.
The elders preached in rooms of stone,
Down aisles built for yearning sheep.
The rocks that make their tombs will say:
A heart of Rome will find no sleep. Sorry, I don't see why RC's are going to lose their eternal sleep over this issue.
I read all three versions, and I think you are over-editing. Let it rest for a bit. I like the snarky tone that seems to be struggling to emerge in the last edit. Bear in mind, if you're preaching iconoclasm, better make us believe you really mean it, or conversely, that you are poking fun at both the makers and breakers of both modern and classical religious art. Either you are seriously preaching Calvinism, or you are being the skeptical Critic. You are also assuming your reader is very educated in both art and religion. Carry on, though, this poem has a lot of merit.
FIRST EDIT:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull snort with life.
These are the idols John warned us
Would curse our flocks with wicked hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ
We all must break these Pagan arts.
From this meek house of stone I preach,
This pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And these bleak bricks will tell you now:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.
ORIGINAL:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
And God Himself a sack of rice,
Slid limply in His mother's arms.
These are the idols John told us
Would bring to folly naive hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ,
Let men destroy these morbid arts.
I speak to thee from place of stone,
A pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And this dark stone will teach thee well:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.

[heslopian]

Thank you both, Leah and Notch, for your really in-depth, honest and insightful critiques I'll see if I can use some of your suggestions!

[tectak]

SECOND EDIT:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion

From Eve in vines about her legs
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull teem with lice.

The Christ Himself a sack of rice,
Held in his mother's drooping arms,
Will grease your eyes in Roman homes.
God is not blind to ancient charms.

These are the idols John warned us
might damn our poor flock's naive hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ
We all must break these pagan arts.

The elders preached in rooms of stone,
Down aisles built for yearning sheep. Short by half hoof. Try "down aisles twice built for yearning sheep" Why twice?Duality of intent.
The rocks that make their tombs will say:
A heart of Rome will find no sleep.

FIRST EDIT:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion

From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull snort with life.

These are the idols John warned us
Would curse our flocks with wicked hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ
We all must break these Pagan arts.

From this meek house of stone I preach,
This pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And these bleak bricks will tell you now:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.

ORIGINAL:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion

From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
And God Himself a sack of rice,
Slid limply in His mother's arms.

These are the idols John told us
Would bring to folly naive hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ,
Let men destroy these morbid arts.

I speak to thee from place of stone,
A pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And this dark stone will teach thee well:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.

Hi hes,
Cleaner without being clinical. There is enough clarity to
Carry me through
Your thinking even though I
Find it impossible to comment
With clarity on myths. Well
Done.
Best,
Tectak

[heslopian]

Wouldn't "twice" break the iambic string, as "twice" and "built" are both fairly stretched syllables? Thank you for helping bring my poem to the better state it's now in, tectak You're a babe ><

[tectak]

Wouldn't "twice" break the iambic string, as "twice" and "built" are both fairly stretched syllables? Thank you for helping bring my poem to the better state it's now in, tectak You're a babe ><

Hi hes,
step back. stretching a word to get iambic (sic) string is not the same as getting the emphases to match.
Read it straight and tap out the emphases. You can get the line length to match by stretching but the emphases are out.

Down aisles twice built for yearning sheep
de........da........de.....da..de..dah...de...dah is perfect 8
Now, you wrote:

Down aisles built for yearning sheep
da.........de.....da....de....da..de..da which counts out 7

Yes?
tectak

[heslopian]

I think I see what you mean. To my hearing, or the way I was sounding out the line, "aisles" was two syllables (eye - awls), the first long and the second short. Is that what you're referring to, the amount of syllables in "aisles"?

[tectak]

I think I see what you mean. To my hearing, or the way I was sounding out the line, "aisles" was two syllables (eye - awls), the first long and the second short. Is that what you're referring to, the amount of syllables in "aisles"?

Yes and no. You can, and I do, fool yourself into meter. Ay-uls is a stretch by any measure in the same way as regional accent may say dow-un for down...but it is just plain wrong contextually. Please don't get me wrong. Regional accents are just fine but you must be either a) consistent or b) insistent. To be insistent you write the word in colloquial fashion. That is:

Dow-un ay-uls built fo-ah yurnin' sheep.

...but no, that is not what you are aiming for.
Best,
tectak

[heslopian]

...but no, that is not what you are aiming for.

Best,
tectak

Absolutely not, so I take your point, and thank you

[Leah S.]

SECOND EDIT:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull teem with lice. Still disturbed by the brazen bovine and his cooties. But maybe I'm nitpicking. (Snort!)
The Christ Himself a sack of rice,
Held in his mother's drooping arms,
Will grease your eyes in Roman homes.
God is not blind to ancient charms.
These are the idols John warned us
might damn our poor flock's naive hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ
We all must break these pagan arts.
The elders preached in rooms of stone,
Down aisles built for yearning sheep. Short by half hoof. Try "down aisles twice built for yearning sheep" Why twice?Duality of intent. Leah interjects: I think "aisles" is supposed to be read as "aiyuls," which gives it the requisite number of syllabubbles.
The rocks that make their tombs will say:
A heart of Rome will find no sleep.
FIRST EDIT:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull snort with life.
These are the idols John warned us
Would curse our flocks with wicked hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ
We all must break these Pagan arts.
From this meek house of stone I preach,
This pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And these bleak bricks will tell you now:I like 'bleak bricks' as it evokes a clear image of the absence of paintings or other art.
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.
ORIGINAL:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
And God Himself a sack of rice,
Slid limply in His mother's arms.
These are the idols John told us
Would bring to folly naive hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ,
Let men destroy these morbid arts.
I speak to thee from place of stone,
A pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And this dark stone will teach thee well:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.

Hi hes,
Cleaner without being clinical. There is enough clarity to
Carry me through
Your thinking even though I
Find it impossible to comment
With clarity on myths. Well
Done.
Best,
Tectak

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind feedback, Leah S.

[Leah S.]

@tectak: What is poetry without a little esoterica, said the bratty twentysomething? I don't mind explaining the meaning of the brass bull line because there isn't really one. The brass bull is the idol the Jews worshipped in the desert after the exodus and before Moses said "no idols", and "teem with lice" is just a nasty image I liked the sound of. Also, there's allusions to a brass bull snorting in darkness in Dennis Wheatley's The Satanist, a novel I like.
"Roman" is synonymous with Catholic in both instances and for my purposes. One bit of esoterica you might have missed is the mention of John", now that I think about it. I have a sinking suspicion that readers think I'm referring to John Calvin, when in fact the passage I took the epigram from contains an allusion to John 1:21 in the Bible. From Calvin's treatise: "This undoubtedly is the reason why John ... enjoins us to beware, not only of the worship of idols, but also of idols themselves."

---

@Erthona: Thank you for your very kind, helpful and honest feedback >< If you defer to milo, I defer to you, and the three of us create a human centipede of poetry Just kidding!

The thing is, there ain't no Brass Bull what the Israelites worshipped. If it weren't for the other inference of the ancient Greek torture device called the Brazen Bull, you could probably get away with it. As far as the imagery went, I got a very clear picture of little brass lice. I liked it too, but......Oh, But! Best, Leah.