Canned Father (edit2)

[ChristopherSea]

Leah/brownlie/Paul edit2, Thanks guys!

Canned Father

You consumed canned doppelgangers
of vegetable forms, mushy zombies
that you made me swallow,
sodden specters of daunting childhood
recollections that I vomit up
now and then.

Thirty years later, Mom told me
you were sorry Dad, but I saw your peas,
clad in olive drab army fatigues
and shuddered at the ensuing combat.
It didn't matter that you were a war hero
who defied dispiriting Panzers,
liberated Jews from Natzwiller
and subsisted on k-rations for months.

As demoralizing as your
Battle of the Bulge,
the dinnertime Vietnam War
News, or newfangled MREs,
were your baked beans. Dodgy,
whether canned or jarred,
staining napkins burnt sienna,
your skin color every summer
slathered with baby oil and iodine
like a bronze war memorial,
burnished and unpalatable.

I cried over beans,
dreaded your lima's
sandbagging my lamb chops.
They were skin-tough and bloated,
like peas in absurd disguise. Carbuncles
removed from botanical beasts
that burst with a squirt
of gangrenous pus. I lanced
them with my incisors,
gagged on their waxy cuticles.

Dad, I am not sorry
for loving fresh vegetables
and refusing to go to Dental School,
but I think of you often
since you have passed-

even if forever reminded
of creepy canned things.


-----------------------------------------
Leah edit1, Thank you

Canned Father

You consumed canned doppelgangers
of vegetable forms, mushy zombies
that you made me swallow,
sodden specters of daunting childhood
recollections that I vomit up
now and then.

Thirty years later, Mom told me
you were sorry Dad, but I saw your peas,
clad in olive-green army fatigues,
and shuddered at the ensuing combat.
It didn't matter that you were a war hero
who faced dispiriting Panzers,
liberated Jews from Natzwiller,
subsisted on k-rations for months.

As demoralizing as your
Battle of the Bulge,
the dinnertime Vietnam War
News, or newfangled MREs,
were your baked beans. Dodgy,
whether canned or jarred,
staining napkins burnt sienna,
your skin color by late summer,
slathered with baby oil and iodine
like a bronze war memorial,
burnished and unpalatable.

I cried over beans,
dreaded your Lima's
sandbagging my lamb chops.
They were skin-tough and bloated,
like peas in absurd disguise. Carbuncles
removed from botanical behemoths
that burst with a squirt
of gangrenous pus. I lanced
them with my incisors,
gagged on their waxy cuticles.

Dad, I am not sorry
for loving fresh vegetables
and refusing to go to Dental School,
but I think of you often
since you have passed-

even if forever reminded
of scary canned things.


----------------------------------------------------

Canned Father

You consumed canned doppelgangers
of vegetative forms, mushy zombies
that you made me swallow,
sodden specters of daunting childhood
recollections that I vomit up
now and then.

Thirty years later, Mom told me
you were sorry Dad, but I saw your peas,
clad in olive green army fatigues,
and shuddered at the ensuing combat.
It didn't matter that you were a war hero
who faced dispiriting Panzers,
liberated Jews from Natzwiller,
subsisted on k-rations for months.

As demoralizing as your
Battle of the Bulge,
the dinnertime Vietnam War
News or newfangled MREs,
were your baked beans. Dodgy,
whether canned or jarred,
staining napkins burnt sienna,
your skin color late summer,
slathered with baby oil and iodine
like a bronze war memorial,
burnished and unpalatable.

I cried over beans Dad,
dreaded your Lima's
sandbagging my chops.
They were skin-tough and bloated,
like peas in absurd disguise. Carbuncles
removed from botanical behemoths
that burst with a squirt
of gangrenous puss. I lanced
them with my incisors,
gagged on their waxy cuticles.

Dad, I am not sorry
for loving fresh vegetables
and refusing to go to Dental School,
but I think of you often
since you have passed-

even if forever reminded
of scary canned things.

[Leah S.]

Canned Father

You consumed canned doppelgangers
of vegetative forms, mushy zombies 'vegetative forms' makes me think of people in comas. Maybe be plain and say 'real vegetables' or 'fresh' ? I know it pre-figures the end, but I don't know as that's bad.
that you made me swallow,
sodden specters of daunting childhood
recollections that I vomit up
now and then.

Thirty years later, Mom told me
you were sorry Dad, but I saw your peas,
clad in olive green army fatigues,
and shuddered at the ensuing combat. I never played soldier with my peas, but I got it.
It didn't matter that you were a war hero
who faced dispiriting Panzers,
liberated Jews from Natzwiller,
subsisted on k-rations for months.

As demoralizing as your
Battle of the Bulge,
the dinnertime Vietnam War
News or newfangled MREs, This is confusing, I cant' tell if it is a separate phrase as indicated by the line break. Maybe a comma after 'News'?.
were your baked beans. Dodgy,
whether canned or jarred, Don't need both 'canned' and 'jarred'. Seems like it's just there to fill out the line.
staining napkins burnt sienna,
your skin color late summer, I don't know what color late summer is. The color is already established (image-wise) as the same color as the baked beans. Maybe use a texture word?
slathered with baby oil and iodine
like a bronze war memorial,
burnished and unpalatable.

I cried over beans Dad, I'd rather hear 'the beans' for the sake of rhythm.
dreaded your Lima's Not sure about the capitalization here.
sandbagging my chops. this might be US slang, but I thought at first 'chops' referred to your jaws, not chops on your plate. Maybe add 'pork' or 'lamb' to 'chops' ?
They were skin-tough and bloated,
like peas in absurd disguise. Carbuncles
removed from botanical behemoths Not sure about 'behemoths'.
that burst with a squirt
of gangrenous puss. I lanced Yuck! love it. 'Pus' only has one 's'.
them with my incisors,
gagged on their waxy cuticles.

Dad, I am not sorry
for loving fresh vegetables
and refusing to go to Dental School,
but I think of you often
since you have passed-

even if forever reminded
of scary canned things.

[ChristopherSea]

Canned Father

You consumed canned doppelgangers
of vegetative forms, mushy zombies 'vegetative forms' makes me think of people in comas. Maybe be plain and say 'real vegetables' or 'fresh' ? I know it pre-figures the end, but I don't know as that's bad.
that you made me swallow,
sodden specters of daunting childhood
recollections that I vomit up
now and then.

Thirty years later, Mom told me
you were sorry Dad, but I saw your peas,
clad in olive green army fatigues,
and shuddered at the ensuing combat. I never played soldier with my peas, but I got it.
It didn't matter that you were a war hero
who faced dispiriting Panzers,
liberated Jews from Natzwiller,
subsisted on k-rations for months.

As demoralizing as your
Battle of the Bulge,
the dinnertime Vietnam War
News or newfangled MREs, This is confusing, I cant' tell if it is a separate phrase as indicated by the line break. Maybe a comma after 'News'?.
were your baked beans. Dodgy,
whether canned or jarred, Don't need both 'canned' and 'jarred'. Seems like it's just there to fill out the line.
staining napkins burnt sienna,
your skin color late summer, I don't know what color late summer is. The color is already established (image-wise) as the same color as the baked beans. Maybe use a texture word?
slathered with baby oil and iodine
like a bronze war memorial,
burnished and unpalatable.

I cried over beans Dad, I'd rather hear 'the beans' for the sake of rhythm.
dreaded your Lima's Not sure about the capitalization here.
sandbagging my chops. this might be US slang, but I thought at first 'chops' referred to your jaws, not chops on your plate. Maybe add 'pork' or 'lamb' to 'chops' ?
They were skin-tough and bloated,
like peas in absurd disguise. Carbuncles
removed from botanical behemoths Not sure about 'behemoths'.
that burst with a squirt
of gangrenous puss. I lanced Yuck! love it. 'Pus' only has one 's'.
them with my incisors,
gagged on their waxy cuticles.

Dad, I am not sorry
for loving fresh vegetables
and refusing to go to Dental School,
but I think of you often
since you have passed-

even if forever reminded
of scary canned things.

Hey Leah, thanks so much for sharing your time and acumen on this one.

I suppose that I can try 'vegetables' for 'vegetative,' but you are right in that
I was alluding to my Dad's death.

Every meal with those awful canned legumes was a battle for me! I think my Dad
liked them because he ate out of cans during the War. But, why force them on us,
why weren't fresh vegetables a viable substitute? These are questions that I never
asked him. I did serve him only fresh vegetables whenever he came to my house!

I want that break on 'War' but I am glad that a comma can
fix your problem with the line.

I wanted 'canned or jarred' for two reasons: they come in
both and being forced to eat them was absolutely 'jarring'.' It is not filler.
I will consider dropping one maybe.

It's his skin that is burnt sienna in/by late summer because of his deep tan.
I shall insert one of those two prepositions (in/by) for clarity. I need that
reference to his tan.

I had 'lima's' but it looked odd. 'Lima's' may be OK, since they are named 'after 'Lima, Peru.'
I will take another look. I do like 'lamb'-ing those chops though. It paints the
vulnerable child better.

Don't you like the alliteration of botanical bohemoths? I had monsters originally.

Thanks for catching that 'pus' if they actually tasted like 'puss' I would have loved them!!!  

I will have a new edit up shortly based upon your critique. Much obliged./Chris

---

Leah edit1 is posted. Thank you kindly!/Chris

[Leah S.]

Canned Father
You consumed canned doppelgangers
of vegetative forms, mushy zombies 'vegetative forms' makes me think of people in comas. Maybe be plain and say 'real vegetables' or 'fresh' ? I know it pre-figures the end, but I don't know as that's bad.
that you made me swallow,
sodden specters of daunting childhood
recollections that I vomit up
now and then.
Thirty years later, Mom told me
you were sorry Dad, but I saw your peas,
clad in olive green army fatigues,
and shuddered at the ensuing combat. I never played soldier with my peas, but I got it.
It didn't matter that you were a war hero
who faced dispiriting Panzers,
liberated Jews from Natzwiller,
subsisted on k-rations for months.
As demoralizing as your
Battle of the Bulge,
the dinnertime Vietnam War
News or newfangled MREs, This is confusing, I cant' tell if it is a separate phrase as indicated by the line break. Maybe a comma after 'News'?.
were your baked beans. Dodgy,
whether canned or jarred, Don't need both 'canned' and 'jarred'. Seems like it's just there to fill out the line.
staining napkins burnt sienna,
your skin color late summer, I don't know what color late summer is. The color is already established (image-wise) as the same color as the baked beans. Maybe use a texture word?
slathered with baby oil and iodine
like a bronze war memorial,
burnished and unpalatable.
I cried over beans Dad, I'd rather hear 'the beans' for the sake of rhythm.
dreaded your Lima's Not sure about the capitalization here.
sandbagging my chops. this might be US slang, but I thought at first 'chops' referred to your jaws, not chops on your plate. Maybe add 'pork' or 'lamb' to 'chops' ?
They were skin-tough and bloated,
like peas in absurd disguise. Carbuncles
removed from botanical behemoths Not sure about 'behemoths'.
that burst with a squirt
of gangrenous puss. I lanced Yuck! love it. 'Pus' only has one 's'.
them with my incisors,
gagged on their waxy cuticles.
Dad, I am not sorry
for loving fresh vegetables
and refusing to go to Dental School,
but I think of you often
since you have passed-
even if forever reminded
of scary canned things.

Hey Leah, thanks so much for sharing your time and acumen on this one.
I suppose that I can try 'vegetables' for 'vegetative,' but you are right in that
I was alluding to my Dad's death.
Every meal with those awful canned legumes was a battle for me! I think my Dad
liked them because he ate out of cans during the War. But, why force them on us,
why weren't fresh vegetables a viable substitute? These are questions that I never
asked him. I did serve him only fresh vegetable whenever he came to my house!
I want that break on 'War' but I am glad that a comma can
fix your problem with the line.
I wanted 'canned or jarred' for two reasons: they come in
both and being forced to eat them was absolutely 'jarring'.' It is not filler.
I will consider dropping one maybe.
It's his skin that is burnt sienna in/by late summer because of his deep tan.
I shall insert one of those two prepositions (in/by) for clarity. I need that
reference to his tan.
I had 'lima's' but it looked odd. 'Lima's' may be OK, since they are named 'after 'Lima, Peru.'
I will take another look. I do like 'lamb'-ing those chops though. It paints the
vulnerable child better.
Don't you like the alliteration of botanical bohemoths? I had monsters originally.
Thanks for catching that 'pus' if they actually tasted like 'puss' I would have loved them!!!  
I will have a new edit up shortly based upon your critique. Much obliged./Chris

---

Leah edit1 is posted. Thank you kindly!/Chris

You are welcome....I like it very much! I still think that you established the color of his skin with great skill, without the reference to late summer. You've got the beans, burnt sienna, and the bronze statue: all vivid clear images. I still think the 'late summer' image isn't up to the standard you've already set. I think your idea about using 'by' helps. I love the alliteration of 'botanical behemoths', but it took my mind off on a tangent, imagining what sort of beast might have boils that were really lima beans. I came back from that excursion safely, but you have to admit, it's a bit off the subject of your poem. I'm not adamantly against you using it, maybe it's just my overly vivid imagination.

[ChristopherSea]

Hey Leah, thanks so much for sharing your time and acumen on this one.
I suppose that I can try 'vegetables' for 'vegetative,' but you are right in that
I was alluding to my Dad's death.
Every meal with those awful canned legumes was a battle for me! I think my Dad
liked them because he ate out of cans during the War. But, why force them on us,
why weren't fresh vegetables a viable substitute? These are questions that I never
asked him. I did serve him only fresh vegetable whenever he came to my house!
I want that break on 'War' but I am glad that a comma can
fix your problem with the line.
I wanted 'canned or jarred' for two reasons: they come in
both and being forced to eat them was absolutely 'jarring'.' It is not filler.
I will consider dropping one maybe.
It's his skin that is burnt sienna in/by late summer because of his deep tan.
I shall insert one of those two prepositions (in/by) for clarity. I need that
reference to his tan.
I had 'lima's' but it looked odd. 'Lima's' may be OK, since they are named 'after 'Lima, Peru.'
I will take another look. I do like 'lamb'-ing those chops though. It paints the
vulnerable child better.
Don't you like the alliteration of botanical bohemoths? I had monsters originally.
Thanks for catching that 'pus' if they actually tasted like 'puss' I would have loved them!!!  
I will have a new edit up shortly based upon your critique. Much obliged./Chris

---

Leah edit1 is posted. Thank you kindly!/Chris

You are welcome....I like it very much! I still think that you established the color of his skin with great skill, without the reference to late summer. You've got the beans, burnt sienna, and the bronze statue: all vivid clear images. I still think the 'late summer' image isn't up to the standard you've already set. I think your idea about using 'by' works very well. You might think about 'colored by' since it still scans. I love the alliteration of 'botanical behemoths', but it took my mind off on a tangent, imagining what sort of beast might have boils that were really lima beans. I came back from that excursion safely, but you have to admit, it's a bit off the subject of your poem. I'm not adamantly against you using it, maybe it's just my overly vivid imagination.

OK Leah, I am always up for continuous editing, even if I mark a poem as final version! I will review those points and lines again. Cheers/Chris  

[Leah S.]

Hey Leah, thanks so much for sharing your time and acumen on this one.
I suppose that I can try 'vegetables' for 'vegetative,' but you are right in that
I was alluding to my Dad's death.
Every meal with those awful canned legumes was a battle for me! I think my Dad
liked them because he ate out of cans during the War. But, why force them on us,
why weren't fresh vegetables a viable substitute? These are questions that I never
asked him. I did serve him only fresh vegetable whenever he came to my house!
I want that break on 'War' but I am glad that a comma can
fix your problem with the line.
I wanted 'canned or jarred' for two reasons: they come in
both and being forced to eat them was absolutely 'jarring'.' It is not filler.
I will consider dropping one maybe.
It's his skin that is burnt sienna in/by late summer because of his deep tan.
I shall insert one of those two prepositions (in/by) for clarity. I need that
reference to his tan.
I had 'lima's' but it looked odd. 'Lima's' may be OK, since they are named 'after 'Lima, Peru.'
I will take another look. I do like 'lamb'-ing those chops though. It paints the
vulnerable child better.
Don't you like the alliteration of botanical bohemoths? I had monsters originally.
Thanks for catching that 'pus' if they actually tasted like 'puss' I would have loved them!!!  
I will have a new edit up shortly based upon your critique. Much obliged./Chris

---

Leah edit1 is posted. Thank you kindly!/Chris

You are welcome....I like it very much! I still think that you established the color of his skin with great skill, without the reference to late summer. You've got the beans, burnt sienna, and the bronze statue: all vivid clear images. I still think the 'late summer' image isn't up to the standard you've already set. I think your idea about using 'by' works very well. You might think about 'colored by' since it still scans. I love the alliteration of 'botanical behemoths', but it took my mind off on a tangent, imagining what sort of beast might have boils that were really lima beans. I came back from that excursion safely, but you have to admit, it's a bit off the subject of your poem. I'm not adamantly against you using it, maybe it's just my overly vivid imagination.

OK Leah, I am always up for continuous editing, even if I mark a poem as final version! I will review those points and lines again. Cheers/Chris  

Hey Chris, recheck my reply, I edited it a bunch, and you might have read it before I fixed my goofs. Best, Leah

[ChristopherSea]

You are welcome....I like it very much! I still think that you established the color of his skin with great skill, without the reference to late summer. You've got the beans, burnt sienna, and the bronze statue: all vivid clear images. I still think the 'late summer' image isn't up to the standard you've already set. I think your idea about using 'by' works very well. You might think about 'colored by' since it still scans. I love the alliteration of 'botanical behemoths', but it took my mind off on a tangent, imagining what sort of beast might have boils that were really lima beans. I came back from that excursion safely, but you have to admit, it's a bit off the subject of your poem. I'm not adamantly against you using it, maybe it's just my overly vivid imagination.

OK Leah, I am always up for continuous editing, even if I mark a poem as final version! I will review those points and lines again. Cheers/Chris  

Hey Chris, recheck my reply, I edited it a bunch, and you might have read it before I fixed my goofs. Best, Leah

Oh yes, thanks again for sticking with me on this one! I like 'colored by summer' and I will attempt to prune back that botanical behemoth.

[Brownlie]

Leah edit1, Thank you

Canned Father

You consumed canned doppelgangers -- I think one of these descriptions may be good to start on, but the poem may improve with a subsequent clear description of the beans and veggies. 
of vegetable forms, mushy zombies -- I suppose mushy zombies gives a parallel sort of construction in sound, but it seems too much in combination with canned dopplegangers. Though, I will say that Franken Foods seem to be a relatively hot topic.
that you made me swallow,
sodden specters of daunting childhood -- One critique could be that there is too much redundant description here.
recollections that I vomit up -- This "vomit up" is interesting because it adds a gastric level to memories about food.
now and then.

Thirty years later, Mom told me
you were sorry Dad, but I saw your peas,
clad in olive-green army fatigues, --  I like the sound of olilve-green, but olive is a more specific shade of green on its own.
and shuddered at the ensuing combat.
It didn't matter that you were a war hero
who faced dispiriting Panzers, -- Perhaps a better verb than faced. Plus, Panzers are arguably dispiriting by their nature as threatening war machines.
liberated Jews from Natzwiller, -- I like these specific references they add a lot of weight to the poem to me.
subsisted on k-rations for months. -- Would you put an and  before subsisted? I suppose that is a stylistic issue.


As demoralizing as your -- Demoralizing is arguably a useful word here, due to the nature of morale.
Battle of the Bulge,
the dinnertime Vietnam War -- I like this line a lot.
News, or newfangled MREs,
were your baked beans. Dodgy,
whether canned or jarred,
staining napkins burnt sienna,
your skin color by late summer,
slathered with baby oil and iodine
like a bronze war memorial,
burnished and unpalatable. -- This stanza outdoes the first.

I cried over beans,
dreaded your Lima's -- Cried over beans and dread your Limas says the same thing twice right?
sandbagging my lamb chops.
They were skin-tough and bloated,
like peas in absurd disguise. Carbuncles
removed from botanical behemoths
that burst with a squirt
of gangrenous pus. I lanced
them with my incisors,
gagged on their waxy cuticles.

Dad, I am not sorry -- I don't think you need to add this bit. On one level, I think its a nice thing to say. However, this makes a very imaginative and thought provoking poem more "personal" (looking for a better word than personal) than it needs to be.
for loving fresh vegetables
and refusing to go to Dental School, -- Dental school may work in here. This is partly because of the association with teeth.
but I think of you often
since you have passed-

even if forever reminded
of scary canned things. -- I don't like the word scary.



----------------------------------------------------

Canned Father

You consumed canned doppelgangers
of vegetative forms, mushy zombies
that you made me swallow,
sodden specters of daunting childhood
recollections that I vomit up
now and then.

Thirty years later, Mom told me
you were sorry Dad, but I saw your peas,
clad in olive green army fatigues,
and shuddered at the ensuing combat.
It didn't matter that you were a war hero
who faced dispiriting Panzers,
liberated Jews from Natzwiller,
subsisted on k-rations for months.

As demoralizing as your
Battle of the Bulge,
the dinnertime Vietnam War
News or newfangled MREs,
were your baked beans. Dodgy,
whether canned or jarred,
staining napkins burnt sienna,
your skin color late summer,
slathered with baby oil and iodine
like a bronze war memorial,
burnished and unpalatable.

I cried over beans Dad,
dreaded your Lima's
sandbagging my chops.
They were skin-tough and bloated,
like peas in absurd disguise. Carbuncles
removed from botanical behemoths
that burst with a squirt
of gangrenous puss. I lanced
them with my incisors,
gagged on their waxy cuticles.

Dad, I am not sorry
for loving fresh vegetables
and refusing to go to Dental School,
but I think of you often
since you have passed-

even if forever reminded
of scary canned things.

 
I like the idea of this poem and think there is definitely some stuff to work with.

[ChristopherSea]

Much obliged for the read and fine critique brownlie! Your advice is always useful and welcome.

Yes, there is 3-fold repetition in stanza one, but it is there to emphasize my absolute repulsion to canned peas
and beans, as well as my Dad’s obsession with me eating them. Also, they are employed in three different contexts:
‘you’, ‘me’ and ‘recollections.’ I believe that I may be trying to ram them down my Dad’s throat! The ‘poor man’ is actually
my greatest hero and inspiration in life, but nobody is perfect and this is just a poem (right?).

I am taking your advice and drooping ‘green.’ I agree that ‘faced’ is weak, I shall use ‘defied’ to add some belligerence and alliteration.
I can add ‘and’ to the final line of the stanza.

I need ‘cry’ in there for authenticity and it implies more than just ‘dread’, but I will take another look at it.

Yes, this is a personal poem and I need to tell my Dad those two lines.

Now that you mention it, ‘scary’ does not quite cut it for me either. I think ‘Creepy’ better captures those canned things
for me and my Dad’s strange behavior concerning them.

Grateful as always, my friend in pen. A credited edit will be up shortly!/Chris

[Tiger the Lion]

Olive drab?

[ChristopherSea]

Olive drab?

Yes, there's nothing more drab than their olive color. Thanks Paul!

[Tiger the Lion]

Sorry for the short comment. I believe "Olive Drab" is the actual name for the colour of fatigues. Drab also carrying a nice connotation for canned peas.

[ChristopherSea]

Sorry for the short comment. I believe "Olive Drab" is the actual name for the colour of fatigues. Drab also carrying a nice connotation for canned peas.

No need to apologize- thanks so much for reading the poem and contributing a nice element!  

[Brownlie]

Much obliged for the read and fine critique brownlie! Your advice is always useful and welcome.

Yes, there is 3-fold repetition in stanza one, but it is there to emphasize my absolute repulsion to canned peas
and beans, as well as my Dad’s obsession with me eating them. Also, they are employed in three different contexts:
‘you’, ‘me’ and ‘recollections.’ I believe that I may be trying to ram them down my Dad’s throat! The ‘poor man’ is actually
my greatest hero and inspiration in life, but nobody is perfect and this is just a poem (right?).

I am taking your advice and drooping ‘green.’ I agree that ‘faced’ is weak, I shall use ‘defied’ to add some belligerence and alliteration.
I can add ‘and’ to the final line of the stanza.

I need ‘cry’ in there for authenticity and it implies more than just ‘dread’, but I will take another look at it.

Yes, this is a personal poem and I need to tell my Dad those two lines.

Now that you mention it, ‘scary’ does not quite cut it for me either. I think ‘Creepy’ better captures those canned things
for me and my Dad’s strange behavior concerning them.

Grateful as always, my friend in pen. A credited edit will be up shortly!/Chris

Sounds good.

[Leah S.]

It's tightening up nicely. I wasn't sure about adding 'army fatigues' but it alliterates nicely with 'peas' in an internal rhyme sort of way. I'd still lose the capital on "Lima's." There are no Peruvian cities on the plate. I'm sort of sad to lose 'scary' but 'creepy' is okay too. Carry on. Best, Leah

[ChristopherSea]

It's tightening up nicely. I wasn't sure about adding 'army fatigues' but it alliterates nicely with 'peas' in an internal rhyme sort of way. I'd still lose the capital on "Lima's." There are no Peruvian cities on the plate. I'm sort of sad to lose 'scary' but 'creepy' is okay too. Carry on. Best, Leah

OK, I'll give you your 'lima's'!