I wonder how it feels to be a bird

[Kubla Khan]

I wonder how it feels to be a bird
Surging with song,
I throw my mind into their winged bodies
To no semblance, and ere long

I'm reminded of the border of death
Which too, my knowing cannot transcend.
I, bound only to my self
And severed from all else,
Cannot even myself comprehend

[tectak]

So my last poem didn't go over so well. So I just wrote two this morning using a more contemporary mode, trial and erroring it, I guess.
OK Kubla, you really are up for this poetry trip. Good...you will get better as you improve. For now, you need to walk a bit before you run. You don't need to write mumbo-jumbo to get the "poet" medal. English is a very extensive language with  many right words for almost everything...the trick is to  find a new way of using the words. Not the wrong way. So, your first line. Look at it. Read it. How does anything hold a blue? Blue is an adjective NOT a noun, except in Australian passport control. G'day. How does the morning hold? The line is just nonsense BUT...look, how easy is it?
"The morning sky stains umber blue...."

Umber Blue Morning (I just made this titles up on the fly, I'm in a hurry) Is this part of the title? No. Then do not make it so. Who gives a shit if you are in a hurry or in an iron lung. Write the bloody poetry.

The morning holds an umber blue
As I peer from my window "as" is weak and chronologically conditional. If you STOPPED looking out of the window, would the morning sky be any different? No. So why say "as"?
To the frosted earth. Massive disconnect. Are you challenged in the sight department that like a chameleon you can look up to the sky and down to the ground simultaneously? Clarify by a simple rewrite. Look, I know what you mean but you ain't saying what you mean. This may seem pedantic (it is) right now, but go with me.
" The morning sky stains (spills, glows, dims, spreads, turns, fades etc) umber blue.
I turn my eyes and peer down from
my window to the frosted earth."
This ONLY an example but it scans out, too. No more. Your poem.


No snow, no sun is found on this January eve,Please. Stop. Think. We all have to. Sun does not tend to feature in winter evenings. Pick something which may be but isn't...wind, sound, joy, life. etc. It was a dark, starless night, may be...but a dark sunless eve?
But a layer of ice lies thick on all the withered things. You just said it was frosted earth, now suddenly we have had an ice storm. Stop. Think. Why "but"? Weak. "but" means "in spite of something" .In spite of what. Lose it. The line still works but correctly. Have you something against correct?

I wonder how we've done it, looking at the bare thrushes of trees, "it" is not called an indefinite article for nothing. "it" is indefinite...what is it? What the hell is a thrush of trees? Naked, clothed, fledged or whatever....what is a thrush of trees?
How we've built empires upon cold, indifferent nature, Please, edit out these insane capitals at the start of EVERY line. To go from looking at naked thushes, comma, to a capitalised yet disconnected grand (statemental) QUESTION, then romp forward in to the Land of Twisted  Syntax is just bizarre
This remote Galaxy,an endless universe, a mystery. You are thinking, some may say commendably, outside your own box...but you ARE thinking. Just spend more time with your friends...words. Get to know them better, find out how to manipulate them to do what YOU want them to do. At this time, you have little control. Get some. The last line of your second poem is moot.
Very best,
tectak



The next one:

I wonder how it feels to be a bird
Surging with song,
I throw my mind into their winged bodies
To no semblance, and ere long

I'm reminded of the border of death
Which my knowing cannot transcend.
I, bound only to my self
And severed from all else,
Cannot even myself comprehend.

[/b][/b][/b]

[Kubla Khan]

Thanks Tecktak, but I have to edit one of my poems out.

The first thing, is I wanted not the sky, but the actual morning to glow with blue. A fault on my part no doubt, I just wanted you to know the idea behind it.
After I posted this and was in the car, I started thinking about the poems and it hit me, umber is not the right word. I meant like somber, Umber means like brown. I was embarrassed.. Lol

In my last poem it seemed like it was taken as superflous so in these I left them much more open. Still to an irritating fault I suppose.

I'm going to explain myself some though.
The first line of the first poem I used "holds" because I like the poetry of it. Of course mornings cannot hold things, but you still get the idea I think. I never want my writing to be too straight forward, I feel like that would make it less like poetry and more like, well... Just writing.

Why would I not say as? I thought syntax was important. Do you think I should start a poem with two one line sentences?

I say the morning holds blue, not the sky, Maybe I should clarify to the ether is blue, because it was literally blue outside this morning. Probably obscurity on my part. But none the less, I can see the glow of the morning and the frost at the same time.

Maybe: "The morning air holds/glows a somber blue
As I peer from my window
To the frosted earth."

You're right about the ice in the second stanza. The "but" was referring to the lack of snow. No snow, but Ice, which I really meant to describe the frost but I didn't want to reuse the word frost. Keen eye, friend.

Lastly you say, who cares if I was in a hurry. Well, who really gives a shit about my poetry? I don't behold an Internet forum as a prestigious institution(not to disregard this site, I think it's great) I'm really looking to speak poetry with other humans casually. I'm lax in my posting.

And I hope I haven't come off the wrong way. I really appreciate your input. Thank you.
But I'm going to delete the one you critiqued because, I agree it is not very good. I just posted these, honestly to see if I was closer to hitting the mark.

One last thing, do you care to give me an opinon on the other poem? I like it better, and would really like to hear your thoughts on the entire thing. I know you don't like the last line, and honestly I do not either .

[just mercedes]

I wonder how it feels to be a bird
Surging with song,
I throw my mind into their winged bodies
To no semblance, and ere long

I'm reminded of the border of death
Which too, my knowing cannot transcend.
I, bound only to my self
And severed from all else,
Cannot even myself comprehend

Hi - I really wish you'd remove those annoying caps at the start of each line. They really change the way a poem is read, by chopping it into stilted semi-coherence.

Your first line pulls your reader in - the constant iambs. But they vanish, never to reappear as a full line.
2nd line - I like the bird/surge near rhyme
3rd line - The image of throwing your mind doesn't work for me. Why 'winged bodies'? They're birds, aren't they?
4th line - to no semblance of what? 'ere' why the sudden archaism?

5th line - no problems
6th line - 'too'? As well as what?
7th line - unsure what the 'bound' is
8th line - does this repeat the information of the line before?
9th line - unclear - I myself cannot understand, or I cannot understand myself?

I really like your enthusiasm for writing. This exuberance needs to be tempered a little though, in your actual words.

Thanks for posting this, and keep your pen wet!

[tectak]

Thanks Tecktak, but I have to edit one of my poems out.

The first thing, is I wanted not the sky, but the actual morning to glow with blue. A fault on my part no doubt, I just wanted you to know the idea behind it.
After I posted this and was in the car, I started thinking about the poems and it hit me, umber is not the right word. I meant like somber, Umber means like brown. I was embarrassed.. Lol

In my last poem it seemed like it was taken as superflous so in these I left them much more open. Still to an irritating fault I suppose.

I'm going to explain myself some though.
The first line of the first poem I used "holds" because I like the poetry of it. Of course mornings cannot hold things, but you still get the idea I think. I never want my writing to be too straight forward, I feel like that would make it less like poetry and more like, well... Just writing.

Why would I not say as? I thought syntax was important. Do you think I should start a poem with two one line sentences?  

I say the morning holds blue, not the sky, Maybe I should clarify to the ether is blue, because it was literally blue outside this morning. Probably obscurity on my part. But none the less, I can see the glow of the morning and the frost at the same time.

Maybe: "The morning air holds/glows a somber blue
As I peer from my window
To the frosted earth."

You're right about the ice in the second stanza. The "but" was referring to the lack of snow. No snow, but Ice, which I really meant to describe the frost but I didn't want to reuse the word frost. Keen eye, friend.

Lastly you say, who cares if I was in a hurry. Well, who really gives a shit about my poetry?  I don't behold an Internet forum as a prestigious institution(not to disregard this site, I think it's great) I'm really looking to speak poetry with other humans casually. I'm lax in my posting.

And I hope I haven't come off the wrong way. I really appreciate your input. Thank you.
But I'm going to delete the one you critiqued because, I agree it is not very good. I just posted these, honestly to see if I was closer to hitting the mark.

One last thing, do you care to give me an opinon on the other poem? I like it better, and would really like to hear your thoughts on the entire thing. I know you don't like the last line, and honestly I do not either .

Universal Critical Analysis.

I give a shit about your poetry...why the fuck do you think I spend my dimishing minutes on earth critting it? If you think no one gives a shit then what do you want from me? For the record, and I risk my reputation for perceptive analysis here, most of the members of this site are human. I cannot prove that...but can you prove the contra?
I gave you my opinion on the second poem in the first poem's dissertation.
A point. I don't overtly "like" any of my poems...they get conceited. You need to thrash them daily to make them buckle under. You are in charge of the poetry...not vice versa. If you don't believe that then anything sub-standard is not your fault...so go home happy. Me? I am pissed off most of the time but I am damned if poetry will beat me.
Again,
best,
tectak
I love Balvenie Double Wood.
I'd sink another if I could.
In vino veritas (and grain),
the truth will never bow to blame.

[Kubla Khan]

I wonder how it feels to be a bird
Surging with song,
I throw my mind into their winged bodies
To no semblance, and ere long

I'm reminded of the border of death
Which too, my knowing cannot transcend.
I, bound only to my self
And severed from all else,
Cannot even myself comprehend

Hi - I really wish you'd remove those annoying caps at the start of each line. They really change the way a poem is read, by chopping it into stilted semi-coherence.

Your first line pulls your reader in - the constant iambs. But they vanish, never to reappear as a full line.
2nd line - I like the bird/surge near rhyme
3rd line - The image of throwing your mind doesn't work for me. Why 'winged bodies'? They're birds, aren't they?
4th line - to no semblance of what? 'ere' why the sudden archaism?

5th line - no problems
6th line - 'too'? As well as what? I cannot throw my consciousness into another body nor can I comprehend death
7th line - unsure what the 'bound' is
8th line - does this repeat the information of the line before?
9th line - unclear - I myself cannot understand, or I cannot understand myself?

I really like your enthusiasm for writing. This exuberance needs to be tempered a little though, in your actual words.

Thanks for posting this, and keep your pen wet!

Yeah, I always keep my pen wet