Like Sunlight

[BW BRINE]

Like sunlight, she dances upon the tiled floors
Her silvery shoes twinkle from the right angle
Her dress ripples in tempoed twirls

Like raindrops, her grass-green eyes form trickling pools
Her smiling cheeks bend tears at the right angle
Her teeth reflect in glittering jewels

Like wind, she seems to speak the coldest at dawn
Her shifting judgement sways the leaves
Her words rise quickly and she is gone

-BW BRINE

[Erthona]

This appears to start out in dactyl tetrameter, but fails to stay with that pattern and is hit or miss throughout the poem, sometimes dropping completely into iambic, so it is pretty much a Hodge-podge of mixed meters.
The rhyme pattern is a-b-a c-b-c d-e-d. There are some good off rhymes, floor-twirls. The S2 rhyme is also good, pools - jewels.
The B rhyme is not really a rhyme, it is just the repetition of the same word "angle". Because of this I initially thought this was one of those French forms that has all that  repetition to it, but evidently it is not. Personally I think repeating the same word at the end of a line so close together is a weakness, if for no other reason than the reader will note it and begin to wonder why it is there as it seems to serve no purpose. Any disruption such as this that takes the reader out of the poem I would consider a weakness, since the idea of any form of literature is for the reader to become immersed in the writing.

L1 is fairly well written although one would rather have a metaphor than a simile, it is somewhat understandably considering the form. I'm thinking maybe "tile floors" rather than "tiled", comes off the tongue easier. "tiled" is probably more accurate, but speaking in the vernacular most people would say "tile floors", when one uses the plural of floor, and "tiled floor" when using the singular.
L2 as no viewpoint has yet to be defined, the phrase "from the right angle" is rather awkward as well as disruptive.  
L3 I'm not sure that "tempoed" is even a word. It did not show up in two dictionary, and in the third it brought up tempo, but did not show this form, nor designate it as a proper word. Either way, it is an extremely obscure word, if it is a word at all. I would consider a different word, or a way to use tempo instead.  "Her dress rippled in tempo". Regardless, you are only using this form to make the off rhyme of "twirls". As it is an off rhyme, and as you have moved in to iambic, I see no reason to torture a word that does so little and cost so much.  
L4 Again with a simile and almost back to using dactyls. Comparing eyes to anything is pretty much a cliche, as well as the term grass green, regardless of how you write it. How eyes form "trickling pools" I have no idea (tears maybe). I get no image from this description, maybe others will.
L5 Anytime one uses the phrase "right angle", probably the first image that will arise is that of a ninety degree angle. As bad as the "right angle" thing is, the "cheeks bend tears" is good. I do not see why you think you need to qualify that statement by attaching the "at the right angle" phrase. You do not need it and it only serves to create confusion.
L6 And where are these glittering jewels, how big are they, are they in the pool???? Why would that be a positive. It doesn't even seem like a compliment. In fact it sounds creepy (I hope this is not some girl you are trying to date).
L7 Ah the next simile. I'm not sure I can agree with the statement. Generally wind, and all things being equal, would be coldest at about 3:00 in the morning when the temperature is also the coldest, or at least that was my experience during the many times I camped out in the fall and winter (I didn't like to camp out in the spring or summer as it was too hot, and too many mosquitoes to bite you, and too many snakes to do the same). Nothings better than freezing your ass off while getting the fire started to make coffee and then the wonderful sensation of searing you mouth with too hot coffee. Good times then, before they had everything roped off.
L8  This line somewhat typifies a problem that is throughout the poem, only here it seems more obvious. Although this section/stanza starts with  a simile, the second line L8 is more of a metaphor which is good, but a metaphor has to stick with what is similar between the two things being compared.
The beginning of this stanza says She is the wind. Then one should move into how she is like the wind. There is no connection between her judgement and wind swirling a pile of leaves. In fact wind really doesn't have a characteristic that would equate to human judgement. To anger, unpredictability, buffeting, assaulting, and so on, but not judging. The wind moving a pile of leaves does not speaking to judging as judging is a mental assessment. wind is all action, no mentality, a doer, not a thinker. Likewise, leaves cannot be swayed, unless you set them up as being something other than leaves that can think and thus can be swayed. You cannot used "moved" in the physical sense, and moved in the emotional sense, and then use that interchangeably as if they were the same thing.
L9 Once again, she is being compared to the wind so that certain things could be learned about her that might not otherwise be learned another way, or that through this learning other truths might also be revealed. However she is not really the wind and she cannot rise and be gone, unless at some point you identify her as a wind goddess or something similar that has the power to fly.

This seems too be very much a beginner love poem, on the positive side it does avoid many of the cliches that most find themselves saddled with. On the negative side, there seems to be little skill demonstrated when it comes to the meter, continuity, and comparison simile/metaphor. For a poem that obviously is relying on creating images, it does a relatively poor job in creating any. The device used dates back to at least Shakespeare as sonnet 18 would attest although older poets of the courtly love poem era also used such a device to good effect.

Welcome to the site,


Dale
 

[BW BRINE]

Hi there. I'll respond to your critiques in as much detail as I can.

This appears to start out in dactyl tetrameter, but fails to stay with that pattern and is hit or miss throughout the poem, sometimes dropping completely into iambic, so it is pretty much a Hodge-podge of mixed meters.

To be honest the metre wasn't an issue when I was writing this poem. Almost free verse, but not quite. Of course this is a sign of my noobiness. Any adherence to metre is coincidental.

The rhyme pattern is a-b-a c-b-c d-e-d. There are some good off rhymes, floor-twirls. The S2 rhyme is also good, pools - jewels.

Thanks!

The B rhyme is not really a rhyme, it is just the repetition of the same word "angle". Because of this I initially thought this was one of those French forms that has all that  repetition to it, but evidently it is not.

I am unaware of the form you are referencing. The intent was to repeat the first two sections very closely - hence the similarities and differentiation from the third section - but as far as a specific style is concerned that wasn't the intent. Read more on the intent below:

Personally I think repeating the same word at the end of a line so close together is a weakness, if for no other reason than the reader will note it and begin to wonder why it is there as it seems to serve no purpose. Any disruption such as this that takes the reader out of the poem I would consider a weakness, since the idea of any form of literature is for the reader to become immersed in the writing.

Fair enough. What I was trying to do, though, was create the first two sections as a sort of surreal infatuation. That the speaker is enamored by this girl despite any flaws that may be there (the tears, everything being at the "right" angle). Then the third section was supposed to be this realization that things weren't as they seemed.

L1 is fairly well written although one would rather have a metaphor than a simile, it is somewhat understandably considering the form. I'm thinking maybe "tile floors" rather than "tiled", comes off the tongue easier. "tiled" is probably more accurate, but speaking in the vernacular most people would say "tile floors", when one uses the plural of floor, and "tiled floor" when using the singular.

Noted. That will be in the edit.

L2 as no viewpoint has yet to be defined, the phrase "from the right angle" is rather awkward as well as disruptive.

Read above, although I understand what you're saying. I was just trying to say that her dance moves and even her tears seemed perfect, or "right".

L3 I'm not sure that "tempoed" is even a word. It did not show up in two dictionary, and in the third it brought up tempo, but did not show this form, nor designate it as a proper word. Either way, it is an extremely obscure word, if it is a word at all. I would consider a different word, or a way to use tempo instead.  "Her dress rippled in tempo". Regardless, you are only using this form to make the off rhyme of "twirls". As it is an off rhyme, and as you have moved in to iambic, I see no reason to torture a word that does so little and cost so much.  

I have to disagree here. Tempoed is most definitely a word. I use it semi-frequently, being a musician. I don't think it is obscure, and I don't think it detracts from the poem. I could have even used a different word to rhyme twirls, so I think that criticism is inaccurate; I simply used the word without thinking about someone misunderstanding it, because I use it myself, and have heard others use it.

L4 Again with a simile and almost back to using dactyls. Comparing eyes to anything is pretty much a cliche, as well as the term grass green, regardless of how you write it. How eyes form "trickling pools" I have no idea (tears maybe). I get no image from this description, maybe others will.

Yes, supposed to be tears. We'll have to see what others say about it. My opinion regarding its meaning is obviously biased. Again on metre, unintentional.
(As a side note, do you think I should try to make the poem into once metre? Or is it ok as free-verse, how it is?)

L5 Anytime one uses the phrase "right angle", probably the first image that will arise is that of a ninety degree angle. As bad as the "right angle" thing is, the "cheeks bend tears" is good. I do not see why you think you need to qualify that statement by attaching the "at the right angle" phrase. You do not need it and it only serves to create confusion.

Addressed above. The intent was to make it seem as though she can do no wrong.

L6 And where are these glittering jewels, how big are they, are they in the pool???? Why would that be a positive. It doesn't even seem like a compliment. In fact it sounds creepy (I hope this is not some girl you are trying to date).

This line was tampered with excessively. It is the one in the poem that I don't feel really fits. At first I was trying to give an image of a girl crying from gifted jewels, and the jewels are reflected in her teeth. But then I changed it to her teeth in the jewels, and then I kind of just ended up with this. Again, the pools are tears (specifically welling tears).

L7 Ah the next simile. I'm not sure I can agree with the statement. Generally wind, and all things being equal, would be coldest at about 3:00 in the morning when the temperature is also the coldest, or at least that was my experience during the many times I camped out in the fall and winter (I didn't like to camp out in the spring or summer as it was too hot, and too many mosquitoes to bite you, and too many snakes to do the same). Nothings better than freezing your ass off while getting the fire started to make coffee and then the wonderful sensation of searing you mouth with too hot coffee. Good times then, before they had everything roped off.

Lol. Ok, noted.

L8  This line somewhat typifies a problem that is throughout the poem, only here it seems more obvious. Although this section/stanza starts with  a simile, the second line L8 is more of a metaphor which is good, but a metaphor has to stick with what is similar between the two things being compared.
The beginning of this stanza says She is the wind. Then one should move into how she is like the wind. There is no connection between her judgement and wind swirling a pile of leaves. In fact wind really doesn't have a characteristic that would equate to human judgement. To anger, unpredictability, buffeting, assaulting, and so on, but not judging.

OK. I understand. A better word would be, maybe, unpredictability. Quickness to change her mind, just as the direction or velocity of the wind may change abruptly, or die altogether.

The wind moving a pile of leaves does not speaking to judging as judging is a mental assessment. wind is all action, no mentality, a doer, not a thinker. Likewise, leaves cannot be swayed, unless you set them up as being something other than leaves that can think and thus can be swayed. You cannot used "moved" in the physical sense, and moved in the emotional sense, and then use that interchangeably as if they were the same thing.

Read above.

L9 Once again, she is being compared to the wind so that certain things could be learned about her that might not otherwise be learned another way, or that through this learning other truths might also be revealed. However she is not really the wind and she cannot rise and be gone, unless at some point you identify her as a wind goddess or something similar that has the power to fly.

I don't understand. I'm likening her to the wind (able to change abruptly, cold in the mornings). The wind can all of a sudden die down and leave (or pick up and leave, same meaning). Of course she is not really the wind, but she can act like the wind.

This seems too be very much a beginner love poem, on the positive side it does avoid many of the cliches that most find themselves saddled with. On the negative side, there seems to be little skill demonstrated when it comes to the meter, continuity, and comparison simile/metaphor. For a poem that obviously is relying on creating images, it does a relatively poor job in creating any. The device used dates back to at least Shakespeare as sonnet 18 would attest although older poets of the courtly love poem era also used such a device to good effect.

A beginner poem. I try to avoid the cliches, if possible. Definitely little skill with the metre. Continuity was intentional (1,1,2). I think the similes/metaphors just take some smoothing out. I might change the grass-green adjective (although her eyes really are grass-green).

I think the failure to create images may be in part due to misunderstanding, in part due to the brevity of the poem, and in part due to my relative incompetence. I hope to get better at the latter; I enjoy writing and reading short poems, because I feel they may actually take more thought and effort to be concise.

I will definitely read (or re-read, as the case often is) the sonnet. It's been several years since I've cracked open any Shakespeare.

Thanks for the critique. I'm interested to see what you think about my reply, and I hope that others will chime in, too.

-BW

[Leah S.]

Is she crying? If so why? Crying and dancing.......intriguing.
Find another adjective besides "grass" to go with green.
I'm thinking most of your meter was accidental. Time to start counting syllables and accents!
I like the line about her being like the cold dawn wind, but I think you could go ahead and say "blows" instead of "speaks".
I love the line about her teeth. Lovers seldom think teeth are praiseworthy, and it's definitely an arresting image.
I like "tempoed twirl" also. I think "tempo'd" would be better grammatically, though.

In the first line the meter is thus:
ta DUM DUM, ta DUM ta ta DUM ta DUM DUM. Tough meter to stick with! It's also very catchy, rhythm-wise, and puts your poem at risk of becoming doggerel, which doesn't fit your theme.....or does it? Keep working on it, it's worth it!

[BW BRINE]

Is she crying? If so why? Crying and dancing.......intriguing.

She is in the second part. The intention was to have each section as distinct time periods, so first the reader sees her dancing and thinks she is beautiful, next they see her crying, and finally she is gone before they know what happened, mirroring the brevity of the poem itself.

I'm thinking most of your meter was accidental. Time to start counting syllables and accents!
In the first line the meter is thus:
ta DUM DUM, ta DUM ta ta DUM ta DUM DUM. Tough meter to stick with! It's also very catchy, rhythm-wise, and puts your poem at risk of becoming doggerel, which doesn't fit your theme.....or does it? Keep working on it, it's worth it!

I will work on the meter. Any meter was mostly accidental.

And no, it was not intended to be doggerel, although I'm not entirely certain what it is other than intentionally without meter for comical reasons.

I like the line about her being like the cold dawn wind, but I think you could go ahead and say "blows" instead of "speaks".
I love the line about her teeth. Lovers seldom think teeth are praiseworthy, and it's definitely an arresting image.
I like "tempoed twirl" also. I think "tempo'd" would be better grammatically, though.

I was trying to us anthropomorphism throughout - like sunlight, she dances - like raindrops, she cries - like wind, she speaks. [Insert comical statement about her blowing]

I also like tempo'd! Thank you

-BW

[just mercedes]

Like sunlight, she dances upon the tiled floors Why the word inversion?
Her silvery shoes twinkle from the right angle 'the right angle' is part of her shoes?
Her dress ripples in tempoed twirls
Like raindrops, her grass-green eyes form trickling pools Again, why inverted? 'grass-green' is cliched. If her eyes formed pools like raindrops do there would need to be more than two of them.

Her smiling cheeks bend tears at the right angle this doesn't mean anything to me.
Her teeth reflect in glittering jewels where did the 'glittering jewels' come from, to reflect her teeth?
Like wind, she seems to speak the coldest at dawn By now I'm tired of the repetition and inversion. Some anaphora just don't work.
Her shifting judgement sways the leaves
Her words rise quickly and she is gone
-BW BRINE

Hi BW - I admire the way you've tried to capture an elusive person by description, but I feel you need to work harder at this. If you meant to show that the girl who attracted you was not what she seemed to be, the tense feels wrong. This is in my opinion anyway.

[tectak]

Like sunlight, she dances upon the tiled floors You positively do not need "the" in a distinguishing role. Does she not dance on other floor surfaces? There ARE other floors. You say so by using "the tiled floorS".If you want to preserve meter there are opportunities..."Like sunbeams she dances on shining tiled floors"...your poem.
Her silvery shoes twinkle from the right angle I do not know why you obsessively cling to this awkward and obscure expression "..from the right angle" It has too much perpendicularity to be meaningful. Do you mean 90 degrees or just "correct"?..."Her silver shoes twinkle, like prisms in light"....or something.
Her dress ripples in tempoed twirls You can argue all day about the dubious jargon of the "tempoed" word but whatever you have decided it means it cannot modify "swirls". Tempo indicates a time-base, swirls indicates a motion. It is an angry banana..."Her dress swirls and ripples, as tempo unites". No more.

Like raindrops, her grass-green eyes form trickling pools No. No. A cIiche too far. As for the simile it is just bizarre. You need to reconsider how someone looks with trickling pools (whatever can that mean) for eyes.I KNOW what you are trying to say but L2 of this stanza should be L1 so that we know about the tears....but you loose me with smiling cheeks, bending at right angles, crying whilst dancing. It is a muddle of extraordinary proportions...almost skilfully manufactured to perplex.
Her smiling cheeks bend tears at the right angle
Her teeth reflect in glittering jewels Enough already. Where are these jewels that reflect teeth? You said it. READ what you write OUT LOUD to your pizza delivery boy and see if he can fathom it. I cannot

Like wind, she seems to speak the coldest at dawn
Her shifting judgement sways the leaves
Her words rise quickly and she is gone Nicely observed but just too late. Overall, you would help yourself by using some, any, disciplined punctuation...if just to clarify your intent. The little dot after "intent" is a "period".  

Hi bw.
A eulogy. All the CORRECT words but not necessarily in the RIGHT order. It does not say much but takes a while about it. The last stanza, though simple (nothing wrong with that) expresses a neat thought (or two). The rest is a little self indulgent at best...uncontrolled at worst. If you do not want rhyme, meter or clarity you have a winner here....but I just cannot get the poetry "hit". AIO,
Best,
tectak

-BW BRINE

[Leah S.]

Nobody answered you about 'those French forms' but I think he might have meant the Villanelle.
Hate to tell you, but you will have to be meter and rhyme conscious to post here. I suggest reading lots of formal verse by lots of different poets, and maybe buying a book about meter and versification. There are some really good ones out there, but I hesitate to tout one on an open thread. If you want a title or author, PM me.
Above all, don't give up on this poem, even if it gets workshopped to death. You will learn a lot, and your poetry will thank you. Carry on. Leah.