Unread Epitaph edit 0.0000001 requiem

[tectak]

I say this to the world whilst part of it still listens:

when I die please don't remember me.
I do not want remembrance but only to be free.
Freedom is a fallacy as long as we survive
but Death make me a promise, not of peace or paradise.
I beg to be permitted to vanish without trace;
to be as if I never was, no words, no voice, no face.
No letters carved on sandstone, no texts, no notes, no fax.
No photographs or epitaphs, no effigies in wax.
We live to create memories. We hold them tight from age
but time becomes vexatious, and in its cage we rage.
So let my thunder wander, far away until unheard.
Let my lightning sputter out, my winds lie still, unstirred.
Though now I rant against my slot, allotted without choice,
let someone with dementia hear my plaintive, dying voice.
This page on which I'm writing, please cast into a fire,
then I will be forgotten and can happily expire.
tectak
2014
Fit and well.

[Requiem]

Aw. Sad face. But its got feels and imagery, so I like it a lot. A few suggestions:
Lines 2 and 3 are contradictory - the narrator says they long to be free, but in the next breath calls freedom a fallacy. Pick one. That part will make more sense, and if you need something else to call a fallacy, there are lots of options to choose from.
From the beginning, go 14 lines down... "and in a cage, we rage..." Rage Cage... Nick Cage... Ugh... But I digress. Why does the "vexatious" (it's a "t," not a "c") good catch. Thanks.nature of time make people so angry in your poem when, from the people I know, it's pretty much accepted as a part of life, without much quarrel? Clarification would be nice.
And... maybe this is just a "me" problem, but I don't like how "cage" and "rage" rhyme with each other as well as "age" from the previous line... it's also the only triple-rhyme-y thing in the poem. Maybe put a different emotion in there and switch things around so that the line ends with "cage," keeping the regular rhyme scheme... or just find another word instead of cage, such as "grasp" or "clasp."
Moving down some more, "Though now I rant against my slot..." Maybe "lot" instead of "slot," as one's lot is their luck or whatever fate has decided for them (and that seems to be what you're going on about).
Finally, the next line - the specificity (is that a word?) of "dementia" is off-putting... ONLY the demented are allowed to hear your voice... if you're looking to keep the same syllable count that the line already has, consider changing its beginning to "Let one with insanity" or something.
Other than that, great job. Good luck! (and remain fit and well )
Many thanks for this considered crit. Credit for vexatious....not a word I use often!
The dementia is moot as I couldn't fit in Altzheimers.
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

Aw. Sad face. But its got feels and imagery, so I like it a lot. A few suggestions:

Lines 2 and 3 are contradictory - the narrator says they long to be free, but in the next breath calls freedom a fallacy whilst we survive . Pick one. That part will make more sense, and if you need something else to call a fallacy, there are lots of options to choose from.

From the beginning, go 14 lines down... "and in a cage, we rage..." Rage Cage... Nick Cage... Ugh... But I digress. Why does the "vexatious" (it's a "t," not a "c") nature of time make people so angry in your poem when, from the people I know, it's pretty much accepted as a part of life, without much quarrel? Clarification would be nice.
And... maybe this is just a "me" problem, but I don't like how "cage" and "rage" rhyme with each other as well as "age" from the previous line... it's also the only triple-rhyme-y thing in the poem. Maybe put a different emotion in there and switch things around so that the line ends with "cage," keeping the regular rhyme scheme... or just find another word instead of cage, such as "grasp" or "clasp."

Moving down some more, "Though now I rant against my slot..." Maybe "lot" instead of "slot," slot as in "slotted in" as one's lot is their luck or whatever fate has decided for them (and that seems to be what you're going on about).

Finally, the next line - the specificity (is that a word?) of "dementia" is off-putting... ONLY the demented are allowed to hear your voicebecause they will forget... if you're looking to keep the same syllable count that the line already has, consider changing its beginning to "Let one with insanity" or something.

Other than that, great job. Good luck! (and remain fit and well   )

[Erthona]

Tom,

Granted,
although I am dubious about your winds ever expiring
after your gone, they'll continue to sculk without retiring.

dale

[tectak]

Tom,

Granted,
although I am dubious about your winds ever expiring
after your gone, they'll continue to sculk without retiring.

dale

Yep...I thought of you when I wrote this. Then I stopped thinking of you and thought about Lana del Ray. I considered deleting the poem but then thought of you again.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Tommy Gun,

"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin' ain't worth nothin' but it's free"
Kris Kristofferson - Me and Bobby McGee

It's sad, I used to sing that a lot, and I had to look up the lyrics because I couldn't remember them. Can you believe he actually dated Janis Joplin. I'd rather date Madonna...well...


dale

[tectak]

Tommy Gun,

"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin' ain't worth nothin' but it's free"
Kris Kristofferson - Me and Bobby McGee

It's sad, I used to sing that a lot, and I had to look up the lyrics because I couldn't remember them. Can you believe he actually dated Janis Joplin. I'd rather date Madonna...well...


dale

Muscles Madonna? Meh. Lana wouldn't put up a fight...and she's weird.A bonus

[tectak]

Aw. Sad face. The avatar? Lingua in maxillam...not sad But its got feels and imagery, so I like it a lot. A few suggestions:
Lines 2 and 3 are contradictory - the narrator says they long to be free, but in the next breath calls freedom a fallacy whilst you survive. Different thing altogether.. Pick one. That part will make more sense, and if you need something else to call a fallacy, there are lots of options to choose from. but only one means "fallacy"
From the beginning, go 14 lines down... "and in a cage, we rage..." Rage Cage... Nick Cage... Ugh... But I digress. Why does the "vexatious" (it's a "t," not a "c") good catch. Thanks.nature of time make people so angry in your poem when, from the people I know, it's pretty much accepted as a part of life, without much quarrel? Clarification would be nice. Do you know anyone over 70?
And... maybe this is just a "me" problem, but I don't like how "cage" and "rage" rhyme with each other Why? I'm curious as well as "age" from the previous line... it's also the only triple-rhyme-y thing in the poem. Maybe put a different emotion in there and switch things around so that the line ends with "cage," keeping the regular rhyme scheme... or just find another word instead of cage, such as "grasp" or "clasp."
Moving down some more, "Though now I rant against my slot... as in "slotted in" aliteration is one of my things. slot-allotted" Maybe "lot" instead of "slot," as one's lot is their luck or whatever fate has decided for them (and that seems to be what you're going on about). No. You have no choice of birth or not....that is all
Finally, the next line - the specificity (is that a word?) of "dementia" is off-putting... ONLY the demented are allowed to hear your voice and would then forget it, which is the whole point of the piece..and Altzheimers didn't fit if you're looking to keep the same syllable count that the line already has, consider changing its beginning to "Let one with insanity" or something.
Other than that, great job. Good luck! (and remain fit and well )
Many thanks for this considered crit. Credit for vexatious....not a word I use often!
The dementia is moot as I really couldn't fit in Altzheimers.
Best,
tectak

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