Her Last Night Without Him

[Owl]

editing . . .

[crow]

sorry for the delay, owl--this is a strong poem, and I'll give you a full edit in the next 24hrs (and I'll delete this post then, too).

[billy]

the thumb pulls down the hammer, the finger squeezes the trigger :J:
no other feedback as it's in miscellaneous except to say it was as bad or as good as it could have been

[azure]

I feel that this topic is kind of overused, but I did enjoy your use of language to give it a solid expression. Then again most of themes that I draw upon are like that too... I think the last stanza could have been executed in a more jarring manner. I will be coming back to this a few more times and try to be of more use to its development and refinement.

[shemthepenman]

As this is in Misc. only a couple of things.
It's a bit wordy. Things like 'cylindrical metal' and 'the device' are a bit clunky. And far too many adjectives... or maybe just bad adjectives, I can't decide.

Also, the physics of the process you are describing just doesn't seem to work (it would be hard enough writing on a bullet with a ballpoint, but in blood with a quill?), and although the idea is there, if something seems infeasible then it can be very distracting, or at least detracts from the merit of the idea.

another thing, I assume this poem is supposed to be a serious one. And for the most part it reads as such. But then there is this punchline:

She whispered, "So they'll know he was
the last thing that went through my head".

which just sounds a bit silly, as if it was all leading up to this cymbal crash.

it reminded me of this really bad schoolboy joke:

Q: What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a car windshield?
A: His arse.