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Tired
My eyes had grown autumn
from staring too long into the brown leaves of your wearing
out. I said, Go ahead and die
or leave me if you have it in you;
I don't think you have enough left.
And you wouldn't.
So I spent the night waiting
while you took our time elsewhere,
my eyes were stung and smoky and when you came back,
through a trail of dry tears over the wet curve
of fumes and chemicals to find me,
again arched
in the position between you and myself,
you didn't smile, you couldn't sigh or whimper,
you didn't care.
When love dies the whole world is revived with suspicion and lust;
who would want you now, is what you ask with your unconscious
silence.
Go ahead, you say, you're alive,
you're the one that can leave.
But love dies a long time ago.
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Rowens,
Yes, I have been tired most of my life thinking that one could actually possess love, rather than it possess you, and then being tossed to the curbside when love had drained all the vitality from my body, leaving me powerless to deal with the self castigation at the end of Eros' minefield, deep within the depression of loves Armageddon and all her numerous children: despair, hopelessness, self-absorption, et.al.. Until at some point love has suck dry the energy of youth, leaving only the tiredness of old age. Yes, I can relate to "Tired"
dale or so
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(11-04-2014, 06:15 AM)Erthona Wrote: Rowens,
Yes, I have been tired most of my life thinking that one could actually possess love, rather than it possess you, and then being tossed to the curbside when love had drained all the vitality from my body, leaving me powerless to deal with the self castigation at the end of Eros' minefield, deep within the depression of loves Armageddon and all her numerous children: despair, hopelessness, self-absorption, et.al.. Until at some point love has suck dry the energy of youth, leaving only the tiredness of old age. Yes, I can relate to "Tired"
dale or so Sorry if one word is all but ditto.
tectak
(..and I am happy)
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Oh gosh, this thread just brutally murdered my youthful fantasies of what life will be. It can't be that bad!
Back!
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(11-04-2014, 12:19 PM)brandontoh Wrote: Oh gosh, this thread just brutally murdered my youthful fantasies of what life will be. It can't be that bad!
It's not, they're just moaning and groaning. Sure, love can suck the life out of you, but then you take a deep breath and fall again. The good thing about older love is if you can make it work for a while you may not have to do it again, a lifetime relationship isn't as long as it used to be. 
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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I know it's miscellaneous Rowens, so I'll keep this light. I enjoyed the content and imagery. Consider cutting S6. It changes the focus and steals some of the poem's power by moving from the back and forth to relatively flat statements.
Just some thoughts...
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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My eyes had grown autumn
from staring too long into the brown leaves of your wearing
out. I said, Go ahead and die
or leave me if you have it in you;
I don't think you have enough left.
And you wouldn't.
So I spent the night waiting
while you took our time elsewhere,
my eyes were stung and smoky and when you came back,
through a trail of dry tears over the wet curve
of fumes and chemicals to find me,
again arched
in the position between you and myself,
you didn't smile, you couldn't sigh or whimper,
you didn't care.
Go ahead, you said, you're alive,
you're the one that can leave.
Love died a long time ago.
It would be something like that then. But I don't know if I can get away with it, it leaps over the problem.
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(11-05-2014, 04:39 AM)rowens Wrote: My eyes had grown autumn
from staring too long into the brown leaves of your wearing
out. I said, Go ahead and die
or leave me if you have it in you;
I don't think you have enough left.
And you wouldn't.
So I spent the night waiting
while you took our time elsewhere,
my eyes were stung and smoky and when you came back,
through a trail of dry tears over the wet curve
of fumes and chemicals to find me,
again arched
in the position between you and myself,
you didn't smile, you couldn't sigh or whimper,
you didn't care.
Go ahead, you said, you're alive,
you're the one that can leave.
Love died a long time ago.
It would be something like that then. But I don't know if I can get away with it, it leaps over the problem.
For me its better, because I think the exposition in the original hurts it. That said, if it isn't satisfying what you're trying to say the "fix" may not work. I like it but I'm just one reader. Maybe others have some ideas.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
just mercedes
Unregistered
(11-05-2014, 04:39 AM)rowens Wrote: My eyes had grown autumn
from staring too long into the brown leaves of your wearing
out. I said, Go ahead and die
or leave me if you have it in you;
I don't think you have enough left.
And you wouldn't. I get stuck with this 'wouldn't' because it seems to refer back to 'go ahead and die' as well as 'I don't think you have enough left'.
So I spent the night waiting
while you took our time elsewhere, Period or semi colon here?
my eyes were stung and smoky and when you came back,
through a trail of dry tears over the wet curve
of fumes and chemicals to find me,
again arched
in the position between you and myself, I love that! It makes me see the Goddess Nut. http://www.fromcairo.com/images/papyrus_nut_goddess.jpg
you didn't smile, you couldn't sigh or whimper,
you didn't care.
Go ahead, you said, you're alive,
you're the one that can leave. who can leave?
Love died a long time ago.
It would be something like that then. But I don't know if I can get away with it, it leaps over the problem.
I like it without stanza 6. which for me moved away from the mood.
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I don't think it's a very good poem one way or the other. It's low, too quiet.
who can leave?
The speaker. There's only one speaker. The speaker speaks for the other. At least as far as anyone can tell.
just mercedes
Unregistered
Sorry, I wasn't very clear there - I think it should be 'who can leave' rather than 'that can leave' as it speaks of a person, not a thing. And I think the poem has effect with its quiet.
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I try to stick with the common usage I hear around me. On the rare occasions I read things out loud, I feel and think I sound stilted when I stray too far from the dialect I grew up with. 'That' is a big word where I'm from. It might be wrong, but I don't do much but twist things to my needs anyway. I still don't like many poems lately. I'm writing angry letters to poetry itself since God started blocking my messages and screening calls. Technology ruins everything.
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