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Threads: 90
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1st Edit
I don't sing, I shout.
All day, all night.
Sleep is for the weak,
I have fire on my belly.
I am pugnacious,
I evict trespassers.
Look at him with his spade.
Doesn't he know?
This is my garden.
Original
I don't sing, I shout.
All day, all night.
Sleep is for the weak,
I have fire on my belly.
Property is my game,
to the death I will fight.
Look at him with his spade.
Doesn't he know?
This is my garden.
wae aye man ye radgie
just mercedes
Unregistered
I like this - birds can be very territorial, and never shut up about it - but the first two lines of the second stanza feel weak to me.
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I agree with JM, this bird needs to go back to school, "to the death I will fight" is indeed awkward.
"I have fire on my belly" A clever usage of what would be a cliche. It gives a great visual.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
(10-30-2014, 04:28 AM)just mercedes Wrote: I like this - birds can be very territorial, and never shut up about it - but the first two lines of the second stanza feel weak to me.
Hi JM, thanks for the comments, this was based on an actual encounter with a Robin who eventually became known as Pugnacious, who was indeed very feisty and I'm fairly certain he never went to sleep. Eventually his curiosity got the better of him and he decided that we could become friends and share the garden.
Point taken about those two lines being weak, I will look at it and post and revised version.
Thanks for reading,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
(10-30-2014, 07:44 AM)Erthona Wrote: I agree with JM, this bird needs to go back to school, "to the death I will fight" is indeed awkward.
"I have fire on my belly" A clever usage of what would be a cliche. It gives a great visual.
dale
I see now that the beginning of the second stanza does read awkwardly. I will definitely take a look at it and post a revised version.
As regards the 'nearly cliche', it actually started out as the obvious "I have fire in my belly", until my cliche alarm kicked in and I changed it to 'on'. So I guess in some ways it was dumb luck, because if I had of been wise enough in the first place to not write a cliche I would have never come up with what looks like quite a clever use of it.
Thanks for reading,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
Posted an edited version.
Thanks to Just Mercedes and Dale for pointing out the awkward lines at the start of the second stanza that needed changing.
Much appreciated.
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
a good edit the 2nd stanza reads much better now, the death line of the original felt too cheesy and trite.
(10-25-2014, 04:33 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: 1st Edit
I don't sing, I shout.
All day, all night.
Sleep is for the weak,
I have fire on my belly.
I am pugnacious,
I evict trespassers.
Look at him with his spade.
Doesn't he know?
This is my garden.
Original
I don't sing, I shout.
All day, all night.
Sleep is for the weak,
I have fire on my belly.
Property is my game,
to the death I will fight.
Look at him with his spade.
Doesn't he know?
This is my garden.
