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Edit 2
Reaching the highest point,
spiderling balloonists
hold tight to gossamer draglines
fly-fishing on springtime thermals,
always falling.
Opening the car door
a money spider crashlands
across my eyelash,
runs for cover
and tickles my ear.
Edit1 Aj
Spiderling balloonist
drift gossamer from coastal cliffs
wonders-is the earth flat.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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First off- loved the title.
(10-15-2014, 08:02 AM)Keith Wrote: Spiderling balloonist
floats gossamer over the ocean Not so convinced about this line. Love gossamer as a word - the reast of the line does not live up to the rest of the poem imo, but the image is great.
wonders if the earth is flat. Think this line could be pruned wonders - Is the Earth flat. (the thoughts could be in italics but not nessasary for my read).
All the best AJ.
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Keith,
Evidently there is an intent to this, as the two stanzas are juxtaposed to one another by the introduction of the "or". The why it is done completely bypasses me. If it is simply a choice, I would choose the first one, as it is a better image than the second one.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(10-15-2014, 04:25 PM)cidermaid Wrote: First off- loved the title.
(10-15-2014, 08:02 AM)Keith Wrote: Spiderling balloonist
floats gossamer over the ocean Not so convinced about this line. Love gossamer as a word - the reast of the line does not live up to the rest of the poem imo, but the image is great.
wonders if the earth is flat. Think this line could be pruned wonders - Is the Earth flat. (the thoughts could be in italics but not nessasary for my read).
All the best AJ.
Hi AJ Thanks for posting your comment, I agree totally with your comments and I made some changes. Thanks Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 865
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Joined: Oct 2012
(10-16-2014, 01:48 PM)Erthona Wrote: Keith,
Evidently there is an intent to this, as the two stanzas are juxtaposed to one another by the introduction of the "or". The why it is done completely bypasses me. If it is simply a choice, I would choose the first one, as it is a better image than the second one.
Dale
Hi Dale
It was a choice and you made it
so I did some work, Thank you, Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
