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There's No Reason To Be Nice And Good
for Sarah Ewald
I'm bad
because the orgasm of the world is death,
and I want to be good.
No vicious envy curtails my pride,
I don't use faggoty words like 'curtail';
only a master reader could be as slavish as that.
What was that someone said about indifference to your hearers.
No,
I don't even ask a question
but tell you of, in one off effort:
the secret of the curling hair,
the softness of persistent stress.
They don't make too many good things anymore,
it's so easy and so much better to be bad,
they make just enough.
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Hi rowens, I found a lot to like in this one. Sort of distracted honesty.
Left a clue of comments for your consideration.
(10-08-2014, 02:29 AM)rowens Wrote: There's No Reason To Be Nice And Good
for Sarah Ewald
I'm bad
because the orgasm of the world is death, not sure why this make one bad but I don't care I love your opening three line.
and I want to be good.
No vicious envy curtails my pride,
I don't use faggoty words like 'curtail';
only a master reader could be as slavish as that.
What was that someone said about indifference to your hearers. Would it be better than that in this line. It reads odd as it is.
No,
I don't even ask a question
but tell you of, in one off effort: this line cause my to stumble on each read through
the secret of the curling hair,
the softness of persistent stress. Love this side angle and distraction
They don't make too many good things anymore,
it's so easy and so much better to be bad,
they make just enough.
Left me with more questions than answers but some how it works for me. (But the title not so much...suggest just nice and to get the good...it is vastly overrated anyway)
AJ
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Joined: Dec 2016
This seems to lack the cohesiveness that is generally in your writing, but if one reads this as two people speaking, by alternating each line it seems more cohesive.
person won
I'm bad
and I want to be good.
I don't use faggoty words like 'curtail'; .....................................(I think on your made up word I would spell it "faggity". Of course that may simple be a providential pronunciation of my area.)
What was that someone said about indifference to your hearers. (readers?)
person tube
because the orgasm of the world is death, (I'm thinking "the orgasm of humanity is death". )
No vicious envy curtails my pride,
only a master reader could be as slavish as that.
I'm not saying it is meant to be read that way, it just leads to more comprehension at certain places. I know that comprehension is the least of your priorities
_______________________________________________________________________________
rowens,
Fragmenting the poem seems more cohesive. I think I would change the title to "mashed".
Of course you won't regard any of this, but it might benefit some novice, so they do not go down the dark and evil path as you have done.
Most people do not have the constitution for it (Whatever happened to Virginia Woolf? Such a panhandler, hey mack do you have Three Guineas to spare?). Still, all in all she was a beautiful person, and insane women are always more interesting in the sack (of course the same is true about insane men, or so I've been told). One mustn't get too attached because they will eventually kill themselves. I think the ethic would be, "let the good times roll, until they drown." Then again no one ever respond to unsolicited advice.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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The line that causes cidermaid to stumble has no comma in my own personal version.
There are two people talking, but saying the same thing, though not always agreeing. As is fit.
chris_the_princess
Unregistered
(10-08-2014, 02:29 AM)rowens Wrote: There's No Reason To Be Nice And Good
for Sarah Ewald
I'm bad
because the orgasm of the world is death,
and I want to be good.
No vicious envy curtails my pride,
I don't use faggoty words like 'curtail';
only a master reader could be as slavish as that.
What was that someone said about indifference to your hearers.
No,
I don't even ask a question
but tell you of, in one off effort:
the secret of the curling hair,
the softness of persistent stress.
They don't make too many good things anymore,
it's so easy and so much better to be bad,
they make just enough.
In a sense of context, this poem intrigues me. I am more interested in the rhythm and format at this second though. The first three lines confuse me. It seems line 3 should have followed line 1 and not line 2 following line 1. It seems more logical. Also in line two when you refer to the 'orgasm of the world' are you saying what turns earth on? Because earth is an inanimate object. If you are referring to humanity, I would like to hear your elaboration on the idea of death. In a one sentence summary for the rest of the poem, I feel that it is more of a thought process and not a structured flow of words. There is nothing wrong with free writing, I just feel that if you could improve the process to be a straight line instead of a curvy graph, it would greatly improve your poem. Nevertheless it is thought provoking.
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Joined: Sep 2014
Earth is an inanimate object? I understand that.
The world is more than the planet Earth. And, consequentially, more a self-consciously human experience than a reality.
This poem has no elaboration on the idea of death, but if you promise to stick around, I'll give you a bit more than you have now.
A one sentence summary of the rest of the poem would give more than the whole poem, which is a few sentences, gives itself. But since the poem is not addressed but for a person with a female-sounding name, you can evenly assume that the poem would be less effective if it made sense. If you assume a man is writing it, you can see why that might be.
