Eyelids, edit 2

[crow]

Edit 2 (Qdeathstar, cjchaffin, __danny, billy--, justcloudy)

Eyelids

And when they come for you, you will try not to blink.

Maybe you will begin to weep.

Count ten twice.

You could run into the field of corn.
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance.
You would smell dust.
You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
You are rubbed raw by your secretion.
It feels still and uncomfortable, and
you are lonely and self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't a sidewalk, and the rattling sound is loud,
and what if there are corn snakes,
and what if they get you?
You could echo-locate the road fifty feet away, 
Maybe you are powerful that way.
You could whistle loudly.
You could whistle quietly.
You could be a soundless animal.

You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
You could stare at the thing you're worrying about.
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going in there anyway.

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

You could drink water in the shadow you have found for yourself.

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.

You could carry yourself through Minyards, practice making eye contact, decide if it's important to hold an orange.

You could find someone to love.
You could stop phoning it in.
You could make yourself open to being wounded.

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.

You have this life, and shame, 
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.

Eyelids



----------
edit 1. 

Eyelids

Eyelids

You try for what feels right.
But what feels good?

You could close your book and eyes.
Count ten twice.
The flashing lights might stop them--
Then, they might stop.

You could run into the field of corn.
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance.
You would smell dust.
You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
You are rubbed raw by your secretion.
It feels still and uncomfortable, and
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't a sidewalk, and the rattling sound is loud,
and what if there are corn snakes,
and what if they get you?
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away, 
like a bat sticker,
like a dolphin sticker--
maybe you are powerful that way.
You could stop mid-stride, and huff and pant, wondering why?.
And you could whistle quietly, just to see if anything close came closer.

You could leave the car.
You could ignore it.
You could stare at a red object intensely, worrying about it.
You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
You could act like normal.
You could yuck yuck in a gas station bathroom.
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons.

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

Will you?

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
You could carry yourself through Minyards like anyone.

Will you?

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
You are only human.
You have this life, and shame.

You will try not to blink as they come for you.

But you try for what feels good.
What feels right?


----------
Eyelids

Eyelids

You could run into the field of corn.
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance.
You would smell dust.
You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you, 
and what if there are corn snakes?
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away.
You could stop mid-stride, and huff an pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election.
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur.

You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
You could stare at a red object intensely, worrying about it.
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons.

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

You won't.

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave.

You won't. 

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
You'll have this life, and shame, 
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.

[Leanne]

There is much to like here. The senses are all included and help build a strange, flickering image almost like a series of old films or one of those flip book things. Each part of the poem connects to another and the whole is cohesive, but not overt, which means that I'll be able to come back and draw more out of it at each reading. That makes me happy.

Eyelids

Eyelids

You could run into the field of corn.
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance.
You would smell dust.
You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you,
and what if there are corn snakes? -- I really like the change in line length here -- it gives a feeling of breathlessness -- I might suggest no line break after "betrays you" and a hanging "and" instead of the question mark
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away.
You could stop mid-stride, and huff an pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election. -- huff AND pant
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur. -- what about "will occur"?

You could pretend to be mad in a public place. -- damn right!
You could stare at a red object intensely, worrying about it.
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons.

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

You won't.

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave. -- nice tie=in with the corn fields, and a powerful idea in itself

You won't.

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
You'll have this life, and shame,
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.

[billy]

i see lots of You or Me or I poetry and 99.9% of the time it doesn't work it's either cliche or trite or simply boring

this does work, it is original and it doesn't read as cliche.
some really good images, lot's of good images.

i'm not sure how to take the title i decided on thinking eyelids as a metaphor for memories and what lies behind them when they're closed. (this works well for me irrespective of the what association was implied. i also too another life as earlier in the same life; the younger person.
i picked out a few really good lines but the poem if ripe with them as the reader i found it excellent, as someone who gives feedback i found it almost nitless

thanks for the read.

Eyelids

Eyelids

You could run into the field of corn. this line works well because it's sort of understated.
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance. this is where the poems starts to get some teeth, (a great image)
You would smell dust.
You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you,
and what if there are corn snakes?
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away.
You could stop mid-stride, and huff an pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election. should an be [and]?
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur.

You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
You could stare at a red object intensely, worrying about it.
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom. for me this is pure insight.
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons.

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

You won't.

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave.

You won't.

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
You'll have this life, and shame,
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.

[ellajam]

Hey, crow, a fun and scary ride. Here are a few notes.

Eyelids

Eyelids

You could run into the field of corn.
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance. I couldn't imagine the leaves snapping, I wanted stalks.
You would smell dust.
You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and I'm not sure about the and.
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you, You may be able to lose the because.
and what if there are corn snakes?
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away. echo-locate is lovely.
You could stop mid-stride, and huff an pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election. My options for an were a or and, I sort of liked a.
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur. Love the hour whistling.

You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
You could stare at a red object intensely, worrying about it.
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons.

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

You won't.

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house. Great line, I especially like not jumping off the drawing.

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave. Minyards was a disappointing google.

You won't.

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly. Another really good line.
You'll have this life, and shame,
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.

Thanks for posting this, a repeatedly good read.

[crow]

What about the double title?

Billy--it references the end line.

Despite the positive feedback, I'm chalking this as a failure, because it has a narrative that wasn't deduced. I'll revise it to try to make that narrative more apparent.

[cjchaffin]

hiya crow. what i enjoyed most about your poem
is that it immediately crawled under my skin and stayed there
until i scratched it out, which is a good thing.
i like a poem that sticks around until i say when it's time for it
to go...that being said, i have a few comments and suggestions to use or lose:

Eyelids

Eyelids

You could run into the field of corn. <--a perfect way to open, sets the visual up immediately
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance.
You would smell dust.
You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you,
and what if there are corn snakes? <--at first, i hated this sentence, because it felt too manic. but after several reads, i actually think it's crucial to the poem, because it is manic...
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away. <--and because the previous section is so manic, these next three lines were a big let down for me. i would cut them and drift right into the madness of the next strophe
You could stop mid-stride, and huff an pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election.
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur.

You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
You could stare at a red object intensely, worrying about it.
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons.

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

You won't.

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave. <--i don't think this line adds anything of value to this poem. do you really need it?

You won't. <--the repetition of this phrase feels gimmicky and forced, and frankly, it distracts from the strong narrative you have going. use it once or not at all, imho.

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
You'll have this life, and shame,
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.<--and we come full circle to the poem title, which is very satisfying to readers like me who crave cyclical themes

[crow]

"You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave. <--i don't think this line adds anything of value to this poem. do you really need it?

You won't. <--the repetition of this phrase feels gimmicky and forced, and frankly, it distracts from the strong narrative you have going. use it once or not at all, imho."

Good eye.

---

Eyelids

Eyelids
-- the doubled title looks like a typo. Correct unless the doubling is meaningful, which would be kinda cool

You could run into the field of corn.
--what field?
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance.
You would smell dust.
--upon or under?
--advance feels warlike. Is there a fight somewhere? If so, follow through. If not, revise/cut

You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
--revise. The sensation of "tiny itchy cuts" could be rendered more immediately; eliminate the passive tense if possible
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and
--what would? I assume "the totality of events and whatever's going on now," but why "it"? Why not "you"?
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you,
and what if there are corn snakes?
--betrays is prolly the wrong word. Find something meaning signals
--there's no such thing as corn snakes
----consider adding "and what if corn snakes are venomous"
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away.
--echo-locate? Are you a bat? A dolphin? Is this echo-location a thing people can do? Not necessary to resolve this, but consider resolving it

You could stop mid-stride, and huff an[d] pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election.
--queer?
--election?
----why not "strange choice"?
--I'm starting to wonder if the subjunctives are a weird code for actual indicatives . . .
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur.
--seems totally out of place. What felt narrative feels suddenly random. Please revise or else make everything random. This line defeats me

You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
--wha???
You could stare at a red object
--what red object???
intensely, worrying about it.
--same question
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
--cool, but I'm jarred
You could wash off with pink soap.
--the hot-air-balloon-looking dispenser.
--washing off is a shame thing? Otw, we need a "so that"
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons.
--funny

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.
--good, but about what? Also, cool the contrast between crying out and deciding

You won't.
--won't what?

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.
--lost me

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl [who?] until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
--was she joyful already? Why?

You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave.
--carriage is an odd consideration here . . . So is what follows . . . Consider beefing this up. Otw cut it

You won't.
--won't what???

You'll continue not to have past lives,
--???
or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
--???
You'll have this life, and shame,
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.
--???

This ending is fun, but its mysteriousness seems to be effective only because it contrasts to the specified images of S1. I don't know what it means.

---

All--this is intended to be a mentally disabled man stealing a car and hiding in a cornfield after having attempted public masturbation. I didn't get the idea across. I'll try again!

[QDeathstar]

I read the original when you first posted it, and loved it. I didnt have much to critique. I enjoyed it's existentialist quality. I have to say, i feel like the edit is a huge step backwards. Its too unsure of itself to draw conclusions.


For example, i disagree that the last stanza in the original edit is meaningless. It is saying that because "you" fail to step outside your concert zone, you fake to do those things that make life special, and you'll continue to fail to do those things because you are afraid, and ashamed.

I agree that the "you wont" line could have been improved, I don't think replacing that with "will you" makes the poem better. It makes it worse.


"you are only human" stumbles into cliche in the edit, despite the fact it draws a different conclusion than what is typical.

The first stanza of the edit is also cliche, and I went "ugg" after reading the first two stanza's. The original drew me in with the interesting imagery associated with the corn field. Now you have to slug through two stanzas of mediocre lines to get to that imagery.

The original was pretty solid.

[cjchaffin]

i really really really want to like the edit. but i don't.

it's lacking the punch in the gut of the original version, the rawness that made me keep coming back to it several times before i offered critique.

the edit is tedious and slightly confusing.

for example:

like a bat sticker,
like a dolphin sticker--

i don't get that at all and i don't know why it's there.

what i do get is the feeling that you want to lead the reader to a foregone conclusion rather than letting him get there on his own, which seems counterproductive to me and defeats the purpose of the wonderful images that you wove together in the original.

just my two cents. i hope you don't give up on this. it's worth revisiting.

[danny_]

when i first saw this huge poem i wasn't sure... but i like it way more than i expected. nice imagery.

original is better (starts off more visual and drew me in). only thing i liked in edit was:
"And you could whistle quietly, just to see if anything close came closer."
except that this line in either version seems a little odd. i believe this poem is about either someone escaped from an asylum or someone faking to be crazy (let me know if i'm really wrong lol), so everything is very intense, but the idea of just standing whistling seems contrary. what's the point in making a whistling sound especially if the loud corn stalks were a noise already?

in my opinion, you're really close with this, just needs a polish and a little clarity.

Eyelids

Eyelids double title? nah

You could run into the field of corn.
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance. stalks instead of leaves? nit
You would smell dust.
You would get tiny, itchy cuts. very nice
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and want to add a little drop of sweat clinging to forehead? something complimenting that humid still moment in the stalks?
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you, what a long line. a little problem with tense. "would be..." as if hasn't happened but then "betrays" as if happening.
and what if there are corn snakes?
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away. nice image.. echo-locate, just hearing the road sounds, but nice way to say it
You could stop mid-stride, and huff an pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election. maybe decision instead. also you could stop twice seems like .. stopping twice
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur.nah. it's too intense for that

You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
You could stare at a red object intensely, worrying about it.
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons. i like all those lines except this one because i don't see how it relates to the central craziness

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

You won't.

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave.

You won't. not sure about using this twice so outstanding from other lines, also so close to the first one.

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
You'll have this life, and shame,
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you. good ending line!

[billy]

i have to admit, i never saw him coming

you state the first one was a failure, i'm not sure it was. it may have been to you the poet but i found it to be pretty good. i also felt you can have just added one or two lines to make the mad guy less ambiguous. i do prefer the original crow.

---

ps, use the the title to let the reader know what it's about. 'confessions of a willy waggler' or not but you get the point i'm making. i hope.

[justcloudy]

So I guess I'm with everyone else-- I was looking forward to the edit (not because I really thought it needed to be improved, but because yay edits!) but this one went the wrong direction. But hey, it happens sometimes.

One thing I've realized posting my own stuff here is that sometimes the narrative I have in my mind doesn't come across AT ALL, and how that isn't necessarily a bad thing. The original version of this was a bit random but in a very good way. Reading the "story" you were trying to tell in the comments just sort of cheapened it for me. I read an innocence into the first one, and even if that's not what you intended, I liked it. ;p

There were some changes worth keeping though, for sure-- "what if they get you?" (deliciously childlike and fits the mood nicely), the whistle line (I'm with danny there), plus "yuck yuck" is perfect.

Hoping to see edit 2!

-justcloudy

[crow]

Thanks all! Superlatively helpful!

Qdeathstar--
"The first stanza of the edit is also cliche, and I went "ugg" after reading the first two stanza's. . . . Now you have to slug through two stanzas of mediocre lines to get to that imagery."
--thank you thank you! it was surprisingly hard to make the "stupid or intriguing?" diagnosis

cjchaffin--
"like a bat sticker,
like a dolphin sticker--"
--I need something like that, but you're right. It's confusing without much to redeem it

"what i do get is the feeling that you want to lead the reader to a foregone conclusion rather than letting him get there on his own, which seems counterproductive to me and defeats the purpose of the wonderful images that you wove together in the original."
--please please let me know if this is still a problem in the next draft

__danny--
"You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance. stalks instead of leaves? nit"
Good nit. I don't like stalks because it'd make the narrator seem like a giant potentially

"It would feel still and uncomfortable, and want to add a little drop of sweat clinging to forehead? something complimenting that humid still moment in the stalks?"
--yes

"A little problem with tense. "would be..." as if hasn't happened but then "betrays" as if happening."
--good catch

".nah. it's too intense for that"
--you and cjchaffin both think so. I'm with it.

"You won't. not sure about using this twice so outstanding from other lines, also so close to the first one."
agreed

billy--
"ps, use the the title to let the reader know what it's about. 'confessions of a willy waggler' or not but you get the point i'm making. i hope."
let me know if I get this right in the next draft

justcloudy for the win!
"I read an innocence into the first one"
--this is what I've been trying to figure out, and I didn't even realize it. thanks sooo much!

[billy]

this edit is much different as its a lot nearer the original. it's the reason i like it. the new opening draws the reader in in a more curious way. (in a good more curious way)

[crow]

Was it clear that, once you reach the end of the poem, you're meant to read it backward? That's what the closing line and extra title are meant to suggest . . .

[billy]

it does act as a hook that takes you back to the top but it didn't make me read. or want to read it backwards.

[ChristopherSea]

Hey Crow, Why not make some distinctions between your title, your opening and your close? I don't get much from 'eyelids' in all three cases.  Some variation could improve the poem. For example, if the title were 'Wink' you would add some irony and mockery and more of a humorous tone to match the crime. Also, something like 'eyes open' to begin the poem and 'eyes closed' to end it, may bring the poem towards that closed circle that you intended. See what you think. Cheers/Chris

[cjchaffin]

Was it clear that, once you reach the end of the poem, you're meant to read it backward? That's what the closing line and extra title are meant to suggest . . .

not particularly. edit #2 is much tighter and i like it more so than edit #1 but what brings it full circle for me is this line:

and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.


that right there is what makes me want to go back to the beginning and reread, not necessarily backward, and not based on the repetition of the title.


it's not a dealbreaker though. good edit.