Posts: 7
Threads: 3
Joined: Jun 2014
"I Think of You"
As I lay here in the luminescence
of the silver liquid moon
I think of you,
and suddenly there is no need
to etch my message on these walls.
Suddenly the air is sharp
as if I have never tasted life
before this moment.
Your image brings a light that
overbears my darkening sins,
untangles this seeded web
that consumes me.
You unravel my being and
I reform as a reflection of you,
one that I could not see
until you stood before me.
I am no longer a mere illusion of myself.
I think of us,
cotton candy laughter,
crystal gazes,
souls intertwined and tarnished by
sinners' failed retributions,
minds numbed by broken memories.
It feels like a home I have never known,
an eternity I have returned to,
here by your side.
As I lay here,
this silent hour becomes
infinite strings of vitality
that bind and form my entity,
reshape me, reform me,
as I think of you,
My Love.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(06-05-2014, 02:53 AM)shy_symphony Wrote: "I Think of You"
As I lay here in the luminescence
of the silver liquid moon
I think of you,
and suddenly there is no need
to etch my message on these walls.
Suddenly the air is sharp
as if I have never tasted life
before this moment.
Your image brings a light that
overbears my darkening sins,
untangles this seeded web
that consumes me.
You unravel my being and
I reform as a reflection of you,
one that I could not see
until you stood before me.
I am no longer a mere illusion of myself.
I think of us,
cotton candy laughter,
crystal gazes,
souls intertwined and tarnished by
sinners' failed retributions,
minds numbed by broken memories.
It feels like a home I have never known,
an eternity I have returned to,
here by your side.
As I lay here,
this silent hour becomes
infinite strings of vitality
that bind and form my entity,
reshape me, reform me,
as I think of you,
My Love. Hi shy,
This is formula crit but that should not diminish the intent. OK.This is poetry. At its core it attempts to put a single emotion in to words. It is not new, and nor are you suggesting such a thing, but it most certainly comes across as new to you. So what to say that would be worthy crit? Well, first of all it is just too poetic and not in a good way. It's that old problem of wordiness. I'm only going to cite one example and you will get the idea.
As I lay here in the luminescence
of the silver liquid moon.
Holy moses. As I lie here in the moonlight. Is that it? No. Try:
As I lie prostrate and resupinate beneath the luminescence of the mercurial quick-silver lunar orbiting object...blah blah. Come on, keep it simple. The important things can carry extra weight, but try to keep a sense of proportion.
To be fair, the thing moves forward in a controlled way and it is only when you lapse in to over-romantic hyperbole that the poem falters. I know that you wrote this from heart not head but it does show. It would not take much to make this a fine poem.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 222
Threads: 12
Joined: Apr 2014
(06-05-2014, 03:16 AM)tectak Wrote: (06-05-2014, 02:53 AM)shy_symphony Wrote: "I Think of You"
As I lay here in the luminescence
of the silver liquid moon
I think of you,
and suddenly there is no need
to etch my message on these walls.
Suddenly the air is sharp
as if I have never tasted life
before this moment.
Your image brings a light that
overbears my darkening sins,
untangles this seeded web
that consumes me.
You unravel my being and
I reform as a reflection of you,
one that I could not see
until you stood before me.
I am no longer a mere illusion of myself.
I think of us,
cotton candy laughter,
crystal gazes,
souls intertwined and tarnished by
sinners' failed retributions,
minds numbed by broken memories.
It feels like a home I have never known,
an eternity I have returned to,
here by your side.
As I lay here,
this silent hour becomes
infinite strings of vitality
that bind and form my entity,
reshape me, reform me,
as I think of you,
My Love. Hi shy,
This is formula crit but that should not diminish the intent. OK.This is poetry. At its core it attempts to put a single emotion in to words. It is not new, and nor are you suggesting such a thing, but it most certainly comes across as new to you. So what to say that would be worthy crit? Well, first of all it is just too poetic and not in a good way. It's that old problem of wordiness. I'm only going to cite one example and you will get the idea.
As I lay here in the luminescence
of the silver liquid moon.
Holy moses. As I lie here in the moonlight. Is that it? No. Try:
As I lie prostrate and resupinate beneath the luminescence of the mercurial quick-silver lunar orbiting object...blah blah. Come on, keep it simple. The important things can carry extra weight, but try to keep a sense of proportion.
To be fair, the thing moves forward in a controlled way and it is only when you lapse in to over-romantic hyperbole that the poem falters. I know that you wrote this from heart not head but it does show. It would not take much to make this a fine poem.
Best,
tectak
Hi: tetak is right; less words; important ones, I would like to see more clarity in V4; there seems a contradiction. Best, Loretta
Posts: 7
Threads: 3
Joined: Jun 2014
Thank you for the critique. I love words and sometimes get lost in them when I try to get my point across....something I need to work on.
I edited some things per your response, if you wouldn't mind reading it through I would appreciate it very much!
As I lay here in the dulled moonlight
I think of you,
and suddenly there is no need
to etch my message on these walls.
Your image unravels my being and
I reform as a reflection of you,
I am no longer a mere
illusion of myself.
I think of us,
cotton candy laughter, crystal gazes,
minds numbed to broken memories.
It feels like an eternity I lived once before,
intertwined with yours.
As I lay here,
this silent hour becomes
infinite strings of vitality
that bind and form my entity,
reshape me, reform me,
as I think of you,
My Love.
(06-05-2014, 03:16 AM)tectak Wrote: (06-05-2014, 02:53 AM)shy_symphony Wrote: "I Think of You"
As I lay here in the luminescence
of the silver liquid moon
I think of you,
and suddenly there is no need
to etch my message on these walls.
Suddenly the air is sharp
as if I have never tasted life
before this moment.
Your image brings a light that
overbears my darkening sins,
untangles this seeded web
that consumes me.
You unravel my being and
I reform as a reflection of you,
one that I could not see
until you stood before me.
I am no longer a mere illusion of myself.
I think of us,
cotton candy laughter,
crystal gazes,
souls intertwined and tarnished by
sinners' failed retributions,
minds numbed by broken memories.
It feels like a home I have never known,
an eternity I have returned to,
here by your side.
As I lay here,
this silent hour becomes
infinite strings of vitality
that bind and form my entity,
reshape me, reform me,
as I think of you,
My Love. Hi shy,
This is formula crit but that should not diminish the intent. OK.This is poetry. At its core it attempts to put a single emotion in to words. It is not new, and nor are you suggesting such a thing, but it most certainly comes across as new to you. So what to say that would be worthy crit? Well, first of all it is just too poetic and not in a good way. It's that old problem of wordiness. I'm only going to cite one example and you will get the idea.
As I lay here in the luminescence
of the silver liquid moon.
Holy moses. As I lie here in the moonlight. Is that it? No. Try:
As I lie prostrate and resupinate beneath the luminescence of the mercurial quick-silver lunar orbiting object...blah blah. Come on, keep it simple. The important things can carry extra weight, but try to keep a sense of proportion.
To be fair, the thing moves forward in a controlled way and it is only when you lapse in to over-romantic hyperbole that the poem falters. I know that you wrote this from heart not head but it does show. It would not take much to make this a fine poem.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(06-05-2014, 05:45 AM)shy_symphony Wrote: Thank you for the critique. I love words and sometimes get lost in them when I try to get my point across....something I need to work on.
I edited some things per your response, if you wouldn't mind reading it through I would appreciate it very much!
As I lay here in the dulled moonlight As I lie here in the muted moonlight...if you MUST modify try alliteration.
I think of you,
and suddenly there is no need
to etch my message on these walls. A little obscure but enough to confuse. You KNOW which walls but I do not
Your image unravels my being and
I reform as a reflection of you,
I am no longer a mere
illusion of myself.
I think of us,
cotton candy laughter, crystal gazes,
minds numbed to broken memories.
It feels like an eternity I lived once before, "It"? What is "it"?
intertwined with yours.
As I lay here, lie
this silent hour becomes
infinite strings of vitality
that bind and form my entity, You have now reformed (S2), formed and are about to reshape and reform again. You are just repeating yourself to no great effect.
reshape me, reform me,
as I think of you,
My Love. You will be lucky if she recognises you
...but yes, it is getting better. This is a simple theme and would not/does not need great complexity or duration. Go for brevity and clear meaning. This is not the only poem you will write so don't dwell on it...move on.
Best,
tectak
(06-05-2014, 03:16 AM)tectak Wrote: (06-05-2014, 02:53 AM)shy_symphony Wrote: "I Think of You"
As I lay here in the luminescence
of the silver liquid moon
I think of you,
and suddenly there is no need
to etch my message on these walls.
Suddenly the air is sharp
as if I have never tasted life
before this moment.
Your image brings a light that
overbears my darkening sins,
untangles this seeded web
that consumes me.
You unravel my being and
I reform as a reflection of you,
one that I could not see
until you stood before me.
I am no longer a mere illusion of myself.
I think of us,
cotton candy laughter,
crystal gazes,
souls intertwined and tarnished by
sinners' failed retributions,
minds numbed by broken memories.
It feels like a home I have never known,
an eternity I have returned to,
here by your side.
As I lay here,
this silent hour becomes
infinite strings of vitality
that bind and form my entity,
reshape me, reform me,
as I think of you,
My Love. Hi shy,
This is formula crit but that should not diminish the intent. OK.This is poetry. At its core it attempts to put a single emotion in to words. It is not new, and nor are you suggesting such a thing, but it most certainly comes across as new to you. So what to say that would be worthy crit? Well, first of all it is just too poetic and not in a good way. It's that old problem of wordiness. I'm only going to cite one example and you will get the idea.
As I lay here in the luminescence
of the silver liquid moon.
Holy moses. As I lie here in the moonlight. Is that it? No. Try:
As I lie prostrate and resupinate beneath the luminescence of the mercurial quick-silver lunar orbiting object...blah blah. Come on, keep it simple. The important things can carry extra weight, but try to keep a sense of proportion.
To be fair, the thing moves forward in a controlled way and it is only when you lapse in to over-romantic hyperbole that the poem falters. I know that you wrote this from heart not head but it does show. It would not take much to make this a fine poem.
Best,
tectak
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