Cavelight

[Tiger the Lion]

I think there is something here but it needs an overhaul. I hope it is an enjoyable read as is, but I'm very open to direction as I feel it's a little self-indulgent. Thanks.

Cavelight

Suddenly light,
through an impossible crack,
narrowly dissecting incumbent shadows
and igniting paradigms
with laser concentration.

Suddenly hope,
trucking in like Bigfoot,
muddying our floors, brash and uninvited,
where we don't usually entertain fabled notions
at the same bar where loss comes to drink.

Suddenly song,
above monotonous doubt and the static of hurt;
above tomorrow’s mumbling voices
and yesterday’s rumbling clouds,
clapping thunder for another encore

Suddenly choice,
where decisions were decidedly made
by enduring ghosts, now frustrated and grey,
now exhausted and suddenly spooked
by light and hope and song

Or suddenly dark,
and we won't be asked again to refract colour
or listen for echoes in painted caves.
We won't be asked again to stream through an impossible crack
to dissect any of it.

[LorettaYoung]

Hi, I like the imagery and rhythm of the first three verses, V4 seems confusing and contradictory; enduring ghosts suddenly frustrated; and how do ghosts fit in; is this about a cave; how does the bar fit; how does V5 relate to the topic. I do think you have something here to work with. Loretta

[ellajam]

Hi, Tiger, I need more time with this but I just wanted to say how much I like this:

Suddenly hope,
trucking in like Bigfoot,
muddying our floors, brash and uninvited,
where we don't usually entertain fabled notions (I think I'd prefer fables to fabled notions.)
at the same bar where loss comes to drink.


I'll be back.

I think there is something here but it needs an overhaul. I hope it is an enjoyable read as is, but I'm very open to direction as I feel it's a little self-indulgent. Thanks.

Cavelight

Suddenly light,
through an impossible crack,
narrowly dissecting incumbent shadows
and igniting paradigms
with laser concentration.

Suddenly hope,
trucking in like Bigfoot,
muddying our floors, brash and uninvited,
where we don't usually entertain fabled notions
at the same bar where loss comes to drink.

Suddenly song,
above monotonous doubt and the static of hurt;
above tomorrow’s mumbling voices
and yesterday’s rumbling clouds,
clapping thunder for another encore

Suddenly choice,
where decisions were decidedly made
by enduring ghosts, now frustrated and grey,
now exhausted and suddenly spooked
by light and hope and song

Or suddenly dark,
and we won't be asked again to refract colour
or listen for echoes in painted caves.
We won't be asked again to stream through an impossible crack
to dissect any of it.

[just mercedes]

This has the bones of a good poem - although, I was warned never to use the word "suddenly" in a poem, but can't remember why not. I think you have too many gerunds - 'ing' words - and maybe too many adjectives as well. Try to find the exact word rather than qualifying some that are close. I also liked the concrete images, not so much the abstracts such as 'doubt' and 'hurt', but overall strong imagery.

Thanks for posting this - I'll have another look when you revise.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi, Tiger, I need more time with this but I just wanted to say how much I like this:

Suddenly hope,
trucking in like Bigfoot,
muddying our floors, brash and uninvited,
where we don't usually entertain fabled notions (I think I'd prefer fables to fabled notions.)
at the same bar where loss comes to drink.


I'll be back.

I think there is something here but it needs an overhaul. I hope it is an enjoyable read as is, but I'm very open to direction as I feel it's a little self-indulgent. Thanks.

Cavelight

Suddenly light,
through an impossible crack,
narrowly dissecting incumbent shadows
and igniting paradigms
with laser concentration.

Suddenly hope,
trucking in like Bigfoot,
muddying our floors, brash and uninvited,
where we don't usually entertain fabled notions
at the same bar where loss comes to drink.

Suddenly song,
above monotonous doubt and the static of hurt;
above tomorrow’s mumbling voices
and yesterday’s rumbling clouds,
clapping thunder for another encore

Suddenly choice,
where decisions were decidedly made
by enduring ghosts, now frustrated and grey,
now exhausted and suddenly spooked
by light and hope and song

Or suddenly dark,
and we won't be asked again to refract colour
or listen for echoes in painted caves.
We won't be asked again to stream through an impossible crack
to dissect any of it.

Fables is much better than fabled notions, both for brevity and rhythm's sake. Thank you.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks Grace, for reading and commenting. I agree, the piece might be one stanza too long. Sadly, if I were to part with one of them, it would be the one that you liked most. The 4th stanza is the weakest to me, but I need it to change direction into the last stanza. Even as it stands, S4 doesn't do as much for S5 as I'd like it to.
Thanks, Paul

[Wjames]

I think there is something here but it needs an overhaul. I hope it is an enjoyable read as is, but I'm very open to direction as I feel it's a little self-indulgent. Thanks.

Cavelight

Suddenly light,
through an impossible crack,
narrowly dissecting incumbent shadows
and igniting paradigms
with laser concentration. The last three lines are wordy - but they work.

Suddenly hope,
trucking in like Bigfoot,
muddying our floors, brash and uninvited,
where we don't usually entertain fabled notions
at the same bar where loss comes to drink.

Suddenly song,
above monotonous doubt and the static of hurt;
above tomorrow’s mumbling voices
and yesterday’s rumbling clouds,
clapping thunder for another encore

Suddenly choice,
where decisions were decidedly made I don't like decidedly here, but maybe that was the point.
by enduring ghosts, now frustrated and grey,
now exhausted and suddenly spooked I don't think now or suddenly are needed again here.
by light and hope and song

Or suddenly dark, Perhaps something like "tranquil and" could be used here in place of suddenly to further the contrast.
and we won't be asked again to refract colour
or listen for echoes in painted caves.
We won't be asked again to stream through an impossible crack
to dissect any of it.

I like this poem a lot - it reminds me of one of my favorite songs "After Hours" by The Velvet Underground. I agree that your 4th stanza's the weakest, but can't think of anything to help you out with it aside from cutting a few words.

[Tiger the Lion]

I think there is something here but it needs an overhaul. I hope it is an enjoyable read as is, but I'm very open to direction as I feel it's a little self-indulgent. Thanks.

Cavelight

Suddenly light,
through an impossible crack,
narrowly dissecting incumbent shadows
and igniting paradigms
with laser concentration. The last three lines are wordy - but they work.

Suddenly hope,
trucking in like Bigfoot,
muddying our floors, brash and uninvited,
where we don't usually entertain fabled notions
at the same bar where loss comes to drink.

Suddenly song,
above monotonous doubt and the static of hurt;
above tomorrow’s mumbling voices
and yesterday’s rumbling clouds,
clapping thunder for another encore

Suddenly choice,
where decisions were decidedly made I don't like decidedly here, but maybe that was the point.
by enduring ghosts, now frustrated and grey,
now exhausted and suddenly spooked I don't think now or suddenly are needed again here.
by light and hope and song

Or suddenly dark, Perhaps something like "tranquil and" could be used here in place of suddenly to further the contrast.
and we won't be asked again to refract colour
or listen for echoes in painted caves.
We won't be asked again to stream through an impossible crack
to dissect any of it.

I like this poem a lot - it reminds me of one of my favorite songs "After Hours" by The Velvet Underground. I agree that your 4th stanza's the weakest, but can't think of anything to help you out with it aside from cutting a few words.

Thank you so much Wjames. I was going over all the comments before sitting down to do an edit, and I was fixed on your suggestion about the first line of the last stanza. I really liked your suggestion of "tranquil and dark" and the logic behind it. I was almost inclined to use it verbatim when I decided on "Or finally dark", which is (at least for my intents) far superior to the original write "Or suddenly dark." It never would have occurred to me but for your advice about contrast. Very grateful. Thank you. Edit coming soon, I hope.- Paul

[Keith]

Hi TTL You have some interesting images here but some of the lines need pairing back to really bring out the meaning. I have left some comments below. But I feel you have something here that is worth working on. Best Keith

I think there is something here but it needs an overhaul. I hope it is an enjoyable read as is, but I'm very open to direction as I feel it's a little self-indulgent. Thanks.

Cavelight

Suddenly light,
through an impossible crack,
narrowly dissecting incumbent shadows
and igniting paradigms
with laser concentration.

S1 You capture the burst of light well not sure about paradigms or impossible in this context but it could just be me.

Suddenly hope,
trucking in like Bigfoot,
muddying our floors, brash and uninvited,
where we don't usually entertain fabled notions
at the same bar where loss comes to drink.

S2 the best stanza for me, the last two lines could be reduced.

Suddenly song,
above monotonous doubt and the static of hurt;
above tomorrow’s mumbling voices
and yesterday’s rumbling clouds,
clapping thunder for another encore

S3 this feels outside, some nice lines but what happened to the cavelight oris it some kind of liberation a rising above ground ?

Suddenly choice,
where decisions were decidedly made
by enduring ghosts, now frustrated and grey,
now exhausted and suddenly spooked
by light and hope and song

S4 Is a little confusing but again you have some interesting word choices that keep the reader interested, the last line sounds a bit Hey Nonny No.

Or suddenly dark,
and we won't be asked again to refract colour
or listen for echoes in painted caves.
We won't be asked again to stream through an impossible crack
to dissect any of it.

S5 this stanza needs the most work for me, it only repeats what we know by saying that dark prevents us from having it, and there is that impossible crack again.

[stajas]

I like it! You have a very visual way of writing, which makes it
a very interesting read. Also you're not shy of long sentences. I like that